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Just wondering....

Posted by on Nov. 10, 2013 at 9:33 AM
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4 moms liked this

You know, I was NOT a step-mom to young children, and actually I am very thankful for that. 

I sometimes wonder if step-moms really understand what a bio mom must go through when they talk about her being a b....., etc. I mean seriously.....let's think about this for a moment.

You bring this baby into the world, your love is overflowing, filled up, and is like nothing you have ever felt before. You want everything good for this little life that has been given to you to raise. You feel so very protective......

Then something goes terribly wrong with the man in your life and you end up without him (doesn't matter the reason, leave that behind for a moment and stay with me). Then he decides to re-marry and suddenly your precious baby (even if older) has to be shared with a woman you don't know anything about. Your child will go to a home where you have no idea what is going on, how he/she is being treated, fed, loved, disiplined, etc. 

How very heart wrenching to sit at home wondering how that baby you birthed is doing, feeling, etc. 

Not only that, but even if SM is the most wonderful woman in the world.....then...you suddenly feel left out, you feel replaced, your heart aches....someone is enjoying your baby and your baby is enjoying them...oh the sinking feeling that must be.

Can you now understand why so many BM's seem to be "B's" . They must be so conflicted....I want the best for my baby when with their Dad, but I don't want them to enjoy my baby too much, because it isn't with me...their momma.

As for all the SM that get treated poorly just because of who they are.......IT STINKS! We did nothing but marry their Dad....I get it completely. I am on the receiving end of a BM that is hateful. Fortunately (if there is such a thing), my steps were all adults and so I could completely step back and let BM have her rightful place with her kids. DH has his place too (well, except when StepDad gets a little gung ho.....thats for them to work out).

BLENDED LIFE STINKS! But, you are here now and so I would say......the old saying "do unto others" still applies. When you are feeling like the BM is a "B".....just try to think how it feels to let your own children go to another home for a period of time. 

In closing, I do think with time things get better for both BM and SM. There tends to be an understanding, even if they still don't like each other. 

I am not sure even why I posted this....but my heart just aches when I read about how many women hate each other. If we just stopped and looked to the reason maybe we could be a little more understanding, even if we didn't like being on the receiving end of it. 

Happy Veterans Day to all our Veterans!

by on Nov. 10, 2013 at 9:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
newstepmom61811
by on Nov. 10, 2013 at 9:49 AM
2 moms liked this

drinking

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 10:04 AM
3 moms liked this

This is really good. I think to further expand on that.....think of how it feels to send your child off to someone who hates you. The worry is not so much about the hatred of that person to you, but what if that hatred is rubbing off on how they treat my child? That is even worse.

I have never experienced that as the SM figure we had for a few years was great but, it doesn;t mean I can;t imagine how it would feel for me knowing that she actually despised me....but I still HAD to send my baby to her household.

The only experience I do have though is having been raised by a SM who hated my mother more than she liked me and let me know it at every turn. I couldn;t win no matter how good I was to her.

jessica.kaye08
by Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 10:15 AM
2 moms liked this

I love this, it explains both sides very good. It's hard being a SM but it would also be hard not having your baby with you while they spend time with their 'other' family.

runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Great post! 

I'm not a BM myself, but I completely empathize with how hard it must be for BM to share her kids with another woman/family. 

As an SM, I so often feel left out of this family that BM is a part of, and have definitely felt criminalized just for falling in love and getting married.

You're right, there is no good position to be in - BM or SM. I feel it can be made easier if the two women get along, but that still doesn't make it a perfect situation.




Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 11:01 AM

It took time for things to settle when I became a stepmom to 3 young kids.  But when I came into the picture, BM had no chance of ever getting the kids back. So I was a step up from that.

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 11:04 AM

I think considering this helped our situation. Once BM realized I was not their to push her out and was respectful of her relationship with the kids despite how neglectful and idiotic I thought she was things got a lot better.

The kids need their mother in their life even if they need their mother not to play the mother role.

Quoting baparrot2:

This is really good. I think to further expand on that.....think of how it feels to send your child off to someone who hates you. The worry is not so much about the hatred of that person to you, but what if that hatred is rubbing off on how they treat my child? That is even worse.

I have never experienced that as the SM figure we had for a few years was great but, it doesn;t mean I can;t imagine how it would feel for me knowing that she actually despised me....but I still HAD to send my baby to her household.

The only experience I do have though is having been raised by a SM who hated my mother more than she liked me and let me know it at every turn. I couldn;t win no matter how good I was to her.


USBrit
by Silver Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 11:12 AM

Parrot....I can't imagine how that must have made you feel. :( When my own parents divorced I was already married with children. My Dad did remarry, but lived in another State. She was only 3 years older than me so I didn't consider her a stepmother, but rather my Dad wife. I treated her kindly out of respect for my Dad, but didn't really have a relationship. Sorry, as a child you had to deal with that. Very sad indeed. 

I would never ever think of saying a harsh word in front of my adult steps about their Mom, that would only create a bigger divide between the families.

Quoting baparrot2:

This is really good. I think to further expand on that.....think of how it feels to send your child off to someone who hates you. The worry is not so much about the hatred of that person to you, but what if that hatred is rubbing off on how they treat my child? That is even worse.

I have never experienced that as the SM figure we had for a few years was great but, it doesn;t mean I can;t imagine how it would feel for me knowing that she actually despised me....but I still HAD to send my baby to her household.

The only experience I do have though is having been raised by a SM who hated my mother more than she liked me and let me know it at every turn. I couldn;t win no matter how good I was to her.


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 11:13 AM
1 mom liked this

Great post. 

And to follow up on Parrot's post...I really do think that even if SM has a strong dislike for BM, it doesn't necessarily get taken out on or presented to the kids.  (if SM is mature)  You can not like someone very much but that doesn't mean you have to be nasty or talk badly about them to people in the circle.  To me, venting about an issue here does not necessarily translate into anything that will be said or done IRL.


runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Nov. 10, 2013 at 11:20 AM


I agree. I disike BM but her kids have nothing to do with that and therefore will never know how I feel. BM does speak badly about DH and I to the kids, but that is much more a reflection of who she is than DH or I, and the kids see that. 

Quoting Birdseed:

Great post. 

And to follow up on Parrot's post...I really do think that even if SM has a strong dislike for BM, it doesn't necessarily get taken out on or presented to the kids.  (if SM is mature)  You can not like someone very much but that doesn't mean you have to be nasty or talk badly about them to people in the circle.  To me, venting about an issue here does not necessarily translate into anything that will be said or done IRL.




crazymomma87
by on Nov. 10, 2013 at 11:47 AM
This post doesn't apply to everyone. BM left SO while he was at work one day and didn't let him see his son for months. She was instantly with another guy and married and pregnant 8 months after she left. So yeah SO did eventually find someone else. Then BM took it upon herself to send her son to live with us immediately after she had her baby and then hardly ever see him. She doesn't hate me and I don't hate her. She appreciates the fact that I take care of her son but I don't care for her much because of everything she's put her son through.
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