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Unsure how i should feel.?

Posted by on Nov. 11, 2013 at 11:58 AM
  • 34 Replies
I am looking for some info here on others feelings on this subject.

My husband and i both were previously married, i have three kids and he has one. Well my husbands mom never thinks of my three kids, all she ever calls to have sleep over or see is my husbands daughter. My three are never invited. Here xcuse is that it doesnt feel like a family or close to my three.

Now my husband agrees that we are all family and he has tried to say something to his mom but it gets us no where.. She always says she is doing all she can and says she doesnt know what else she could do.

Even though DH states he told her she needed to include all our kids.

My question is... Is this something that will never change and that we have to just live with. It bothers me more than it does my three kids, my three sY its just how its always been and they arent worried about it.

Will there always be a difference in the kids and should i just stop letting it drain my energy because it will never change?
by on Nov. 11, 2013 at 11:58 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Platinum Member on Nov. 11, 2013 at 11:59 AM

How old are your kids and how long have you been married?

by on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:03 PM

How long have you been married?

If fairly recent, I would just give her time to adjust to her new additions.

by Silver Member on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:03 PM
I think it's something you should just let go. I definitely wouldn't want to send my kids somewhere where they aren't wanted, you know?
by Bronze Member on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:05 PM
My families ( both sides) know it is all or none
by Platinum Member on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:05 PM

I don't have that issue.  But, he chose you and you kids.  His Mom didn't.  Maybe she will get closer to them, but I wouldn't push it.

I actually have the opposite issue. BM's Grandmother even considers my kids her grandkids.

by on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:16 PM

You can't force your DH's mother to feel the way you want her to feel! You can only control what you sell your kids, and it seems that selling them the "we are family, there are no steps in this set-up" is going to set you (and them) up for failure.

by on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:17 PM

I would let it go and not let it get in the way of her having time with her biological grandkids. Hopefully with time she will adopt that same mindset as you and DH.

But if it is any consolation,  I can see how it would hurt your feelings. Our kids are our pride and joy... so it's only natural to expect that other people should feel damn lucky at the opportunity to have a relationship with them! (lol That is how I feel, anyhow.)

Just be thankful that your kids don't seem very hurt or disappointed by it. And it sounds like DH has voiced his feelings and that's about all that can be done.

It's too bad she can't open her heart a bit more, but I guess that is her choice to make.

by Platinum Member on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:32 PM

Knowing how old your kids are (versus his child) and how long you've been married would help.  Also, was his mother heavily involved with his child prior to your marriage? 

xMIL (whom I'm very close to still as well) is very close to my YDS11.  She used to be with ODS15 but his EC takes him away so often that he's not even home that often, much less with her often.  xMIL and YDS do a lot together.  She's disabled (permanently) and he helps her a great deal around her house but they also have some special times together (he'll push her in her wheelchair when they go to the movies - I don't typically take my kids to the movies, not my thing, but it is a 'thing' for xMIL and YDS so I let them have it).  xMIL is not particularly close to BF/SMs girls.  The girls are 5 (or 6?) and 3 I think.  For one, they live over an hour away (versus me, we're within 2 miles of each other, very close, my mom and I are always over at xMILs helping her out too).  BF/SMs girls aren't as well disciplined as my boys are, and always have been (we have different parenting styles - not better, not worse, just different) and xMIL can't handle their girls for long periods of time.  The ODD is asking, lately, to stay the night with xMIL but xMIL says no.  Now, ODD also still has to sleep with a light on, she has to fall asleep with one of her parents there of she 'won't' sleep, and she wakes during the night and wanders around.  This won't work at xMILs house.  It's not 100% childproof (just the areas the girls are in are childproof) but, xMIL can't move well enough to stop her if she decided to leave the house at 3am (if she even heard her then!)...  BF has begun arguing with his mom about it but so far she's been adament that she can't do it, not yet.  Maybe when she's older.  BF argued that YDS started staying when he was MUCH younger, which is true, but again, as she's pointed out, I'm 5 minutes away (or less) and he's over an hour away, should something happen.  Also, my boys wouldn't dream of leaving the house whereas their ODD has even tried it at their place.  xMIL just doesn't feel comfortable with it, yet anyway.  (and, if you knew xMIL you'd know how long she's waited to finally have granddaughters but, they're just too much for her to handle all alone at night yet).  I'm sure it'll happen soon, likely within the next year or two, but not this year, and not this summer... not unless BF also stays at xMILs to help out at night.  (There's nothing YDS11 can't do for xMIL and he knows all of her neighbors, including one who is a nurse, should something major happen, as well as knowing I'm just minutes away, along with the fire department if 911 had to be called). 

Will it ever change in your situation?  Who knows... but that decision is up to MIL, not you, not DH, but your MIL.  What do any of your kids and MIL have in common that you could build on?  Do your kids go to see your parents or your XH's parents when your SD isn't included?  How about your siblings or DH's siblings?  Are there others that include your kids but MIL doesn't?  Is SD the only GC, or only girl GC?  About the only thing BF could do would be to prevent his DD from going to his moms place too... But, what would that solve?  Would that be beneficial to his DD or to his mom?  Would that truly be beneficial to your kids, if he bullies his mom into taking your kids too?  I wouldn't think so. 

This may be one of those points you just have to let go of and get over it.  You even said it's not bothering your kids as much as it is you.... maybe THEY don't feel any closer to your MIL than she does to them??? 

by Gold Member on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:35 PM
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This is an issue that I would not force.  I know that it is might be hurtful for you guys and the kids and you and your DH decided to be one big family and treat everyone the same.  The truth of the matter is that you and your DH decided to be together and join your families and your MIL did not.  She very well might warm up to your children but she also may not.  Just do the best you can to make sure that your house is a warm loving environment where everyone is included.

by on Nov. 11, 2013 at 12:42 PM
Apparently Grandma doesn't consider your children her grandchildren. That is her perogative. She didn't choose you, SD didn't choose you....DH did.

Just let Grandma spend time with her grandchild, without forcing her to take yours too. I'm sure there are things that your children get to do that SD doesn't.
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