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Apparently, I got my hopes up more than I realized. *11/13/13 Update*

Posted by on Nov. 12, 2013 at 5:48 PM
  • 56 Replies

 Where to start... MIL did a complete 180 in her feelings toward me a few years ago, she hasn't liked me at all since but tells everyone she does and makes it seem like I'm the problem and the one who has issues with her. At first, I thought it had something to do with my surgery and the stress it caused her not having me at work for her. After some time passed and consulting with some friends, I think it stems from some bull my family pulled that she blames me for. After all, if it weren't for me, her son wouldn't have been involved at all.

Anyway... long story short, MIL doesn't like me and has been causing issues since because she can. By she can, I mean my husband lets her. She's a perfect angel in his eyes, no matter what. Which is the bone of contention I've had, the real issue I've had the last few years. Last Thursday, the stress of everything just came to a head and I blew up. I admit it was my fault, I'd been bottling things up inside for too long and exploded. I was also stressed about the surgery he had yesterday (which hadn't happened yet at the time of this blow up) so that didn't help. We had a long talk Thursday night, I got a few things out and was able to talk a little bit about how I feel.

We both agreed that things will take time and we'll need to work together but we decided that we were going to make some changes. I was going to be able to come to him for everything, not just things that do NOT concern or involve his mom, and we would work on our communication. We planned things out for his surgery and things ended nicely that night.

Last night, after work, I picked the kids up from his parents and went to see him. We got there right after the morphine kicked in so he was really out of it, we only stayed a few minutes then left. Today, I went up to see him and it was really obvious that he didn't want me there because he was just in so much pain and wanted to rest. I stayed for ten minutes and left.

Stupidly, I stopped by his parents' house to pick up his clothes. MIL said that it would be better if he stayed in the hospital another night, FIL agreed. They also felt that it would be better if someone else drove him home because it's "a long drive." No matter how nicely they put it, the gist of it was that I'm not even a halfway decent wife so it would be better for him to stay in the hospital to recover. I won't take care of him very well, I won't stop the kids from hurting him and I'll hurt him myself bringing him home with how horrible of a driver I am. They decided to take his clothes to him themselves.

This was at 12 30pm. I called his room at 2pm to see how things were going and what the plan was, he said that his parents got there around 1pm and he was still visiting with them but that he wouldn't be coming home tonight because it would be better for him to recover in the hospital, also that he's probably going to have his parents pick him up when the doctor releases him tomorrow.

I'm confused and hurt. I'm confused because I thought... well, obviously I thought wrong. I guess I got my hopes up after our talk about things changing last Thursday, apparently things have not changed. Or maybe I'm just expecting changes way too soon, it's only been five days. I'm hurt for the obvious reasons...

And no, it was already decided before I'd talked to him that I won't be bringing the kids up to see him this evening either. I'm not sure how to explain that to the kids, though I'm hoping to get away with "Daddy is in a lot of pain right now and needs more time in the hospital to recover."

 

***Update ~ 1/13/13 1 56pm***

I just got permission from MIL to call the hospital and talk to my husband, so I did and let the kids talk to him. After they did, I spoke with him and, according to him, he was unaware of any changes to the decision he and I made for his care upon release. He said the only thing he was considering changing about our decision was who brought him home but that he wanted to talk to me about that first, he thinks having his dad bring him home would be the better choice since his truck provides a smoother ride and his dad is closer to the hospital than I am to go get him.

I told him that I saw and understood their point so whatever he felt would be best for his recovery is fine with me, that I'll support his choice because I want him to be comfortable so that he can recover quickly. He said that he would rather be home, he can take care of himself while I'm at work and the kids are at school. He won't be able to care for the kids by himself until he's mobile again but that won't be an issue since they'll be at school while I'm at work and he's home resting.

He also said he's feeling much better so he hasn't taken as much medication today, therefore he's a lot more lucid now and he's confident he can take care of himself while I'm at work.

Oh, and the reason he hasn't called me is because the hospital phones don't allow patients to call outside of the area code they're in. So he's going to call his dad when he knows what's going on with his release, have his dad call me so I can call his room, then probably have his dad bring him home.

by on Nov. 12, 2013 at 5:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:18 PM
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Sorry, but it sounds like you might want to focus some of your energy on getting your DH better. This sounds petty.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:28 PM
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You keep saying 'obvious reasons' but, not being in your situation, they're not necessarily obvious to me (maybe others too?). 

So, he wants his parents to drive him home.  Great!  You get your home and kids ready for him to recover in nicely, and accept their help graciously (with a smile on your face and no anger/sarcasm in your voice) when they get him home.  Don't drag the kids along on the long drive and have them prepared (mentally) for dad being home and not feeling up to being his normal self, in pain, etc.  Find a bright side to the situation.  Now you've got more 'you' time while you wait for them to bring him home.  You can take some time to relax and unwind and lose your pissy attitude (deserved or not) while you wait. 

Yes, expecting big changes in one week for things that have been bothering you for a long time that you didn't bother to share IS expecting too much too soon.  Your DH and his parents will need time to change their relationship, if it's to change at all.  Baby steps, not leaping off cliffs because you told him to.  Let him recover at home, let him work on small changes at home, and let this one go.  I'm going to guess (not knowing/remembering your situation) that his parents have been 'in control' for a bit?  If so, it takes a bit for someone who's let others control them to step up and say no (and not be guilted into saying yes or standing up to the person more than once).  Also consider, he's in the hospital, on drugs for pain, he's not likely in a position to argue with his parents who are 'right there' when you aren't.  Cut him some slack this close to his surgery.  Cut them some too.  Actually, cut yourself some as well. 

Take a long, hot shower, let the anger leave you and relax before he comes home.  He's not going to recover well or quickly if you're holding all this anger and resentment inside but he also won't recover well if you share it all with him right away too. 

I hope his recovery is quick and easy, once he's home. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:30 PM

Sounds to me like his folks just wanted to be the ones that drove him home and didn't know any other way to tell you so just asked HIM since they knew he'd probably just let them.

Some parents are weird and have a difficult time giving up caring for their "kids" to someone else...even after they're grown.

I wouldn't focus on it too much.  You need to focus on getting him better, not haranguing him about how you think his parents treat him.  He doesn't need grief right now, he needs rest.  Let it be until he's back on his feet again, or you run the risk of him blowing up at you and rightfully so if you choose to use his healing time to discuss family matters that can wait.

miapia1020
by Bronze Member on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:33 PM
2 moms liked this
Have you thought that maybe he really does need an extra night in the hospital to recover, and it has nothing to do with you? Generally hospitals won't let you stay just because you want to. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. it seems you are letting the past dictate your impression of what's happening in the present.
Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:34 PM

 It is petty, I know. I've been talking to my friend about it since I posted this though and I'm going to just accept it for what it is and let it go. I have a couple hours to be all butthurt about it before I get the kids and go to class then come home so...

Quoting baparrot2:

Sorry, but it sounds like you might want to focus some of your energy on getting your DH better. This sounds petty.

 

Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:38 PM

 

Quoting jules2boys:

You keep saying 'obvious reasons' but, not being in your situation, they're not necessarily obvious to me (maybe others too?). 

So, he wants his parents to drive him home.  Great!  You get your home and kids ready for him to recover in nicely, and accept their help graciously (with a smile on your face and no anger/sarcasm in your voice) when they get him home.  Don't drag the kids along on the long drive and have them prepared (mentally) for dad being home and not feeling up to being his normal self, in pain, etc.  Find a bright side to the situation.  Now you've got more 'you' time while you wait for them to bring him home.  You can take some time to relax and unwind and lose your pissy attitude (deserved or not) while you wait.  He's not coming home. They're going to pick him up and take him to their house for his recovery, which we'd already talked about together with the doctor before the surgery and recovery could take anywhere from three weeks to six months.

Yes, expecting big changes in one week for things that have been bothering you for a long time that you didn't bother to share IS expecting too much too soon.  Truth is, I tried years ago when his mom's dislike of me became apparent to talk about it, I even tried to talk to her and find out what I did, but he didn't want to hear anything negative about his mom and she refused to talk to me. Your DH and his parents will need time to change their relationship, if it's to change at all.  Baby steps, not leaping off cliffs because you told him to.  Let him recover at home, let him work on small changes at home, and let this one go.  I'm going to guess (not knowing/remembering your situation) that his parents have been 'in control' for a bit?  If so, it takes a bit for someone who's let others control them to step up and say no (and not be guilted into saying yes or standing up to the person more than once).  Also consider, he's in the hospital, on drugs for pain, he's not likely in a position to argue with his parents who are 'right there' when you aren't.  Cut him some slack this close to his surgery.  Cut them some too.  Actually, cut yourself some as well.  I know it's a big change, which is why I'm kicking myself now and venting here over it. I realize that I'm expecting too much to change too soon. It's been this way for years and I need to make changes myself to show them all that I AM responsible and reliable before I should expect them to make some changes, regardless of how big or small.

Take a long, hot shower, let the anger leave you and relax before he comes home.  He's not going to recover well or quickly if you're holding all this anger and resentment inside but he also won't recover well if you share it all with him right away too. 

I hope his recovery is quick and easy, once he's home. 

 

Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:41 PM

 

Quoting sandeeyo:

Sounds to me like his folks just wanted to be the ones that drove him home and didn't know any other way to tell you so just asked HIM since they knew he'd probably just let them. My problem was that he and I had already made the decision about his coming home and recovery, I thought it was final. I totally understand wanting to have family take care of you when you're not well, I get it and I'm like that too, I just didn't expect the first decision that we made together after having a discussion about him making a decision with me then making a different decision with his mom being a problem right away. Did that make sense? lol

Some parents are weird and have a difficult time giving up caring for their "kids" to someone else...even after they're grown.

I wouldn't focus on it too much.  You need to focus on getting him better, not haranguing him about how you think his parents treat him.  He doesn't need grief right now, he needs rest.  Let it be until he's back on his feet again, or you run the risk of him blowing up at you and rightfully so if you choose to use his healing time to discuss family matters that can wait. No, I get this. Completely. Like I told baparrot, I've been discussing this with a friend and I have a couple of hours before I get the kids and go to class so I'm going to take that time to let this go.

 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Nov. 12, 2013 at 6:56 PM

I didnt realize that he is going to mommy and daddy's house to recover. I thought they were just picking him up. That changes things a bit.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 12, 2013 at 7:29 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree on his parents taking him to their house to recover. That's kind of silly? It's one thing to let them help and to let them bring him home for you but since he isn't even coming home I would be upset too. Is he scared to stand up to his mom? Or would he really be comfortable being somewhere else. I love my bed and my home. There is no way I would want to go stay somewhere else to recover. My mom did this to me once. Last summer. I was very sick and while dh was at work I decided to go to the dr. I ended up having pneumonia and needed to go over to another facility for x rays. I really couldn't drive plus I need my prescriptions and then I also had to get both kids from school. So I called my mom. She drove me around - and got the kids and then started heading towards her house. I was like what!? Wait? No! She said I can take care of you let me take care of you! No way! Take me home. HOME!! My home. I don't want to stay away from home. I had to put my foot down and my moms feelings were hurt but... She got over it. I had always been kind of scared to go against my mom because she wears her feelings on her sleeves. But I didn't feel good so I had to stand up and say no. It was hard but well worth it. I think when our babies or their babies even grown children - they just want to take care of us. I know I would. But it doesn't excuse your husband going against your agreement. I would be very upset.
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Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Nov. 12, 2013 at 7:38 PM

 I was just told that it would be better for him because he won't be able to get up and move around much (other than like bathroom and food, think bedrest).

Quoting baparrot2:

I didnt realize that he is going to mommy and daddy's house to recover. I thought they were just picking him up. That changes things a bit.

 

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