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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Not really "Step" mom

Posted by on Nov. 12, 2013 at 11:50 PM
  • 201 Replies

 

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Question: Would you consider me a Stepmom?

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Hello,

I am 28 years old and married to a man that had a child at a young age with a previous girlfriend. The "mother" of his child has not seen, talked or even cared for her own child in over a year. I have been part of Landen's life since he was 3 years old and have helped raised him fulltime eversince. I still get labeled by him "stepmom" eventhough his father has supported me in trying to explain to him that eventhough I didnt give birth to him that I am more of a mother to him than his birth mother has ever or will be or lack of therefor. I have never pressured him to call me mom but lately his words have really hurt. Leaving me crying at night. He refuses to let me claim him as my son. He says I am not your son and now it is step everyone in my family. My sister's kids "stepcousins". I want so bad to argue back that "Im sorry, your right Im not your mom eventhough your mom doesnt seem to care about you and I have been picking up the slack for the last 3 almost 4 years". I would never say such a thing to him. Nothing makes me more upset when he puts her up on a pedistol and can be so cold to me. My husband is so supportive and does his best to help make it better for me. He says in time it will get better and he will realize. No one has told him that his mother has left for good, so the child is so confused. I have never felt so distant from Landen and I hate it. I love him to death but lately with the things he has been saying has made me want to put some distance between us. I dont feel so "step"mom when I do it all. Any advice?

by on Nov. 12, 2013 at 11:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kristinbugg
by on Nov. 12, 2013 at 11:54 PM
3 moms liked this
You are not his mother. The child has made it clear to you that you aren't and that he doesn't want you to be.

Back off and leave him alone. He has a mother and it's not you.
NotSoStep
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:03 AM
5 moms liked this

I am the only "mother" he has. He has once went through a time when he called me mom but it was only in from of other kids. Now he is in a stage where he wants to be cold to me. You must be a mother that could never understand why a mother would leave their child, neither can I. That is why I have stepped up in his life and taken on that roll. Any woman can give birth to a child but it takes a real woman to raise a child. I am raising someone else's child and that is extremely difficult.

paulswifey11
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:06 AM
2 moms liked this
Its so hard to be a bonus mom. Especially with no consideration from the kids. I'm sure he is just trying to figure out where he fits in. Just bsck done for a while and let him come to you. If he can be respecful then listen to him.
NotSoStep
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:06 AM

He has a mother? Where? I havent seen her or talked to her in over a year and neither has two of her children. The other child from another father hasnt seen her in 2 years. Thats a mother he has?

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:09 AM
6 moms liked this
Any woman can birth a child blah blah yes we all know. It takes a real woman to be a mom. But the simple fact is HE does not see you as his mom because he has a mom. From a child's perspective who yearned for her daddy, it won't matter what you do or how often or how much ... You won't be able to fill that void if he isn't willing to let you. Now after 30 years I've let my stepdad step in to a dad role for me. But not when I was a kid because I was so terrified that if he replaced my dad then that would be permanent. This kid has the rest of his life to build a relationship with his mom and maybe he wants that chance one day. He doesn't see you as his mom. You can spout off about all the things that make you a mom but the most important thing is if he feels that you are a mom and unfortunately he doesn't. Because he is still holding a candle for his mom and he probably always will.


Quoting NotSoStep:

I am the only "mother" he has. He has once went through a time when he called me mom but it was only in from of other kids. Now he is in a stage where he wants to be cold to me. You must be a mother that could never understand why a mother would leave their child, neither can I. That is why I have stepped up in his life and taken on that roll. Any woman can give birth to a child but it takes a real woman to raise a child. I am raising someone else's child and that is extremely difficult.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:09 AM
5 moms liked this

You're the SM, not the only mother he has.  He has a mother - she sucks, no one will dispute that, but that doesn't mean you're his mom.  

The child doesn't want you to be his mom, he's let you know that.  Not all kids want redo parents - most don't, really.  Like I've told my kids  - you don't get to pick the hand you're given, you just get to play it.  I apply that to their parents... so what if one of us doesn't show up and is there?  That is still your father and to pretend otherwise is to deny part of you.

kristinbugg
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:10 AM
1 mom liked this
You are Dad's wife who is attempting to force herself upon a child who doesn't want you.


Quoting NotSoStep:

I am the only "mother" he has. He has once went through a time when he called me mom but it was only in from of other kids. Now he is in a stage where he wants to be cold to me. You must be a mother that could never understand why a mother would leave their child, neither can I. That is why I have stepped up in his life and taken on that roll. Any woman can give birth to a child but it takes a real woman to raise a child. I am raising someone else's child and that is extremely difficult.


kristinbugg
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:12 AM
His mother is the woman who conceived, carried and gave birth to him. You will never be able to replace her or to be this child's mother.


Quoting NotSoStep:

He has a mother? Where? I havent seen her or talked to her in over a year and neither has two of her children. The other child from another father hasnt seen her in 2 years. Thats a mother he has?


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:13 AM
2 moms liked this
Yes. Unfortunately that is what kind of mother he has. I don't understand it. But you can't erase it. She is his mother and he knows it. Do you even consider that maybe he is hurting for his mom? That this is not easy on him? Maybe he pushes you away because the one female in his life has pretty much abandoned him so why would he let someone else in? If he could just see what you would like to be for him right? But you can't force that. You have to get to a point where you just accept that he does have a mom. She isn't a great mom and she really isn't deserving of his loyalty. But the fact of the matter is you cannot change his feelings. She is his mom whether you like it or not and he isn't wanting her place to be filled.


Quoting NotSoStep:

He has a mother? Where? I havent seen her or talked to her in over a year and neither has two of her children. The other child from another father hasnt seen her in 2 years. Thats a mother he has?


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
NotSoStep
by on Nov. 13, 2013 at 12:15 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree to let things be and I have. Wait for him to get out of his funk because he is so loving otherwise. I just dont like the distance between us. Almost a line he has drawn. It is hard to help him through knowing you can not explain things to him like you understand it. I think it is a wall he has put up because he does not know how he feels or if he understands what is going on. I respect that wall and he will figure it out his own way, just the distance he has put between us and the cold words he uses. He is a kid I understand, I am just venting how I feel.

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