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S/O What Others Think

Posted by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:04 AM
  • 71 Replies

A conversations in another post got me thinking.

One poster asked something along the lines of: "Doesn't BM care what SM thinks about her parenting and lack of discipline?"

Something like that...

Got me thinking.  I am a SM and have two kids with my DH.  I'm not a perfect mother by any stretch but I'm doing my best and I've never really worried about what BM thinks of my parenting.  I've also never really spent much time thinking about or caring about how BM chooses to parent SD.

There are similarities between our houses but there are differences more often than not.

The only time I've really given it any space was times when BM's actions were clearly hurting SD but, even then, there was nothing we (DH or I) could do to change BM so we've just always focused inside our own house and provided the most loving stable environment we could for the three children that live here.

So.... as a SM do you judge BM on what you see as her parenting fails and shortcomings?  Do you feel judged by BMs when it comes to parenting your own biokids (not skids... that's a whole 'nother ball game)?  


BMs do you judge or critique SM on her parenting skills with her own children?  Do you feel like she is judging  you?

And if you do feel judged by the other house how do you react to that?  Do you care?  Do you just ignore it and go about your day?  

by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Pero3
by Silver Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:10 AM

I never met BM ... SD is an adult, she is a stunning, clever, successful young lady (well, nearly 30 now). Whilst I would have chosen a different approach from the one BM chose, I have to wait and see until my DD turns 30 to be able to say "well, I could have done so much better".

As for SM, I don't know her either ... all I know about the way she parents her children is hearsay through DD, and based on that I'd say the same ... I wouldn't do it that way! Again, only the future will tell which child turns out better ... not that I care how hers turn out, so it's a moot point.

twinklebites
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:14 AM

SO's kids are grown, but I have heard stories and situations that BM has done and I think I would have made a different choice that she did however my kids are only 7 now so I keep that in mind. SM makes all kind of comments some are supportive some are passive aggressive. I try not to let it bother me and am getting better about brushing it off , I need to get better at that.

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:15 AM
But even how a child turns out isn't all about parenting. I know it plays a big role but my MIL raised both her kids exactly the same-ish and they turned out vastly different.
Quoting Pero3:

I never met BM ... SD is an adult, she is a stunning, clever, successful young lady (well, nearly 30 now). Whilst I would have chosen a different approach from the one BM chose, I have to wait and see until my DD turns 30 to be able to say "well, I could have done so much better".

As for SM, I don't know her either ... all I know about the way she parents her children is hearsay through DD, and based on that I'd say the same ... I wouldn't do it that way! Again, only the future will tell which child turns out better ... not that I care how hers turn out, so it's a moot point.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:19 AM

I don't judge BM's parenting, I don't think there is a reason why she would lose custody of SS but I am biased as I prefer her being CP. 

I don't think any of the children will be ashamed to share the same surname so I am good with the situation and I kinda care about that.

BM doesn't judge my parenting.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

daddysgf
by and that's all on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:22 AM

I'm SM only.

I try not to judge BM on her parenting. She is a first time Mom, doing it all on her own the best way she knows how. I don't think she's always the best decision maker but I never express that outside of here and it takes up very little of my headspace. 
I also don't feel she judges the way things are done at our house. Maybe she does but I really could care less.  

LilMamaK
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:53 AM

 I judge BM. My situation is way different. She doesn't parent SS she is his friend and does and gives anything to him to make him like her. She allowed her BF to abuse him verbally and physically and she plays him against his half brother. I judge her at every turn, NEVER to SS, but, to myself, DH, and our social workers, GAL,  est. SS has made his own mind up of what he thinks of his BM. I don't influence that, but, I do know she lacks parenting skills, hince why she lost custody of SS.

*~*Mommy to Allyana(7.5.08), StepMom to Aidan(6.5.07), & My Angel Baby Jovanny(3.6.10)*~*

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:03 AM
1 mom liked this



Quoting AmericanDream:

So.... as a SM do you judge BM on what you see as her parenting fails and shortcomings?  Do you feel judged by BMs when it comes to parenting your own biokids (not skids... that's a whole 'nother ball game)?  

Yes! Im a Judgey McJudgenstien! totally. I judge my stepkids mother, I judge the lady down the street, I judge random people on message boards. I thinkn it's normal to judge and "discuss" (aka gossip).  However, I don't expect her to care or value my opinion, and I would never share it with her because I know that what she does is not my business.

I don't know if other moms judge me, and I dont' care. I imagine they do, because people like to judge! but so what.


BMs do you judge or critique SM on her parenting skills with her own children?  Do you feel like she is judging  you?

I might judge my kids' SM, but I really don't know enough about how she raises her kids (they are babies).  From what I have seen so far, I don't see her doing anything all that bad.

And if you do feel judged by the other house how do you react to that?  Do you care?  Do you just ignore it and go about your day?  

I don't pay attention.. I just go about my day. The only judgers that might concern me are my parents, and maybe some close friends or relatives.



SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:08 AM

 

Quoting AmericanDream:

So.... as a SM do you judge BM on what you see as her parenting fails and shortcomings?  Do you feel judged by BMs when it comes to parenting your own biokids (not skids... that's a whole 'nother ball game)?  

Yes. I have judged BM based solely on her parenting. She was a very energetic, friendly person who was the life of a party socially...but those traits didn't generally cross over into her parenting. It is the main reason I could never be friends with her. BMs main reasoning (given to me by her), that she considered me a good mom was simply because I had a child. Otherwise, she never gave any indication that she felt any specific way about my parenting of DDs and SS overall.

And if you do feel judged by the other house how do you react to that?  Do you care?  Do you just ignore it and go about your day?  

The only time BM ever said anything about my parenting, was when I told DH that I couldn't handle SS5 for a week while he was gone hunting. I said it would be better for SS (who would cry himself to sleep every night), to stay with BM and DH (long story), than for me to keep him so he could go to school. BM threw a fit about how I needed to concern myself with my own kid, blah blah blah...I thought that was what I was doing? It all worked out though. I wasn't stressed, SS wasn't either and his parents took care of him.

 

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:10 AM
Good point. Gossip is sort of how women bond. :P I'm sure I'm being judged by others as I have judged others... but I just can't wrap my mind around caring about it. Especially when it comes to BM/SM situations I don't understand why someone would care (or think someone else cares) about their parenting when that someone isn't even a friend or someone whose opinion they value?
Quoting whatIknownow:



Quoting AmericanDream:

So.... as a SM do you judge BM on what you see as her parenting fails and shortcomings?  Do you feel judged by BMs when it comes to parenting your own biokids (not skids... that's a whole 'nother ball game)?  

Yes! Im a Judgey McJudgenstien! totally. I judge my stepkids mother, I judge the lady down the street, I judge random people on message boards. I thinkn it's normal to judge and "discuss" (aka gossip).  However, I don't expect her to care or value my opinion, and I would never share it with her because I know that what she does is not my business.

I don't know if other moms judge me, and I dont' care. I imagine they do, because people like to judge! but so what.


BMs do you judge or critique SM on her parenting skills with her own children?  Do you feel like she is judging  you?

I might judge my kids' SM, but I really don't know enough about how she raises her kids (they are babies).  From what I have seen so far, I don't see her doing anything all that bad.

And if you do feel judged by the other house how do you react to that?  Do you care?  Do you just ignore it and go about your day?  

I don't pay attention.. I just go about my day. The only judgers that might concern me are my parents, and maybe some close friends or relatives.



packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:26 AM

I didn't really react.  I knew she did.  I got to hear about it from my ex and my kids and, on occasion, her.  

Her kids were no angels, but it wasn't my place to act like she was a bad mom or could do better.  I wasn't those kids mom and I assumed she was doing what she could with her children, the same as me.  We were both just doing the best we could even if we had different ideas on how children should be raised.

The only time I cared was if she tried to undermine me with my kids because she thought her way was better.  My ex and I would have words or I'd tell my kids that they were to listen to me and not her on the topics that were being undermined.  That it was up to them to do what I said or they would be in trouble with me.  I raise my kids knowing they are responsible for themselves and that if they know they are doing something they aren't supposed to do that isn't on whoever told them it was okay - it was on them.  

After getting in trouble a couple of times with me they got the message and that was when "my mom said..." started coming out.  

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