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Everyone said it would be tough... everyone was right!

Posted by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:38 PM
  • 57 Replies
I am 26. Never been married. Have no children of my own. Never wanted any children. I made ONE exception and now I have been with my soul mate for almost two years. I never dreamed there was someone so perfect for me.... except for his situation. He has a crazy obsessive compulsive ex wife he's trying to help raise three (very very good) kids with 7, 11, & 16. I love his kids but when his kids are around he goes from this fun loving playful man I want to spend my life with to an absolute hurtful/disrespectful jerk to me. He is still loving and playful with his children. I've tried to talk about it but he says I'm jealous of his kids and I make everything up. When the kids are with us, I do everything for/with them more than any dad's gf would. I love spending time with them until their father is around. I hate having them see how awful he treats me. Then the second they leave, he is back into the man I want to marry. It's hard for me to want the kids around. I get stressed out easily. And look forward to when they leave. What's bad is that they are great kids and I love being around them as long as their dad isn't around. It isn't fair to me or them. He had an insane marriage and an even worse divorce. I just feel like when his kids are around, he treats me like he treated their lying cheating mother. Am I crazy for feeling this way or have any advice?
by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PinkButterfly66
by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:45 PM
5 moms liked this

Get a video camera set up and film his behavior so he can see it for himself.

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:48 PM
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If he treats you like he did his "lying cheating" wife then why are you even thinking about marriage?

My advice is to have a chat with him. If he keeps on being a douche then walk. This doesn't have anything to do with his ex this is all on him.
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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:49 PM
2 moms liked this

Visit with a counselor.  Truly.  You need to work this out with your soon to be DH BEFORE he is your DH. 

It's not fair to carry around baggage and lug it at others.  Which is what it sounds like he may be doing--totally subconsciously btw.  It may have nothing to do with you but it still AFFECTS you.  Talk to a counselor.  Get some tools to deal.

NTMBeth
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:53 PM
2 moms liked this

 He may not even be aware that he is changing how he is behaving. Maybe he is over compensating... wanting to make sure the kids are secure and meanwhile you are left in the dust?

No matter what, try to speak with him constructively. You can even wait and write down a few examples and then talk it over with him. All I know is, don't wait until the heat of the moment... that won't get you anywhere lol.

Good luck!

DDDaysh
by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:54 PM

How exactly does he treat you when they are around?  What exactly does he DO?  Are you sure this isn't just a perception issue on your part?  

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:56 PM
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You mean he treated his wife badly, when they were married? Is that why she left him?

if he treated his wife badly, you can expect he will treat you the same way.

Quoting hrisl2:

I hate having them see how awful he treats me. Then the second they leave, he is back into the man I want to marry. It's hard for me to want the kids around. I get stressed out easily. And look forward to when they leave. What's bad is that they are great kids and I love being around them as long as their dad isn't around. It isn't fair to me or them. He had an insane marriage and an even worse divorce. I just feel like when his kids are around, he treats me like he treated their lying cheating mother. Am I crazy for feeling this way or have any advice?



Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this
Now that I've been on CM a couple of years I would really give the advice to leave if it continues. It will only get worse. And imagine when or if the kids catch up on it and start treating you the same way he does! Kids change and if they see dad treating you like this,they will prob. Do the same to you. Do you want that? Imagine you talking to your dh and he still tells you you are crazy or being dramatic or being jealous 5 years from now. Do you want that??

He either needs to see a counselor or you need to leave. You don't deserve that.
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 1:57 PM


That's  my question. If he treats women badly, he's not such a good candidate for marriage.

Quoting saywhat2102:

If he treats you like he did his "lying cheating" wife then why are you even thinking about marriage?




OkieMommyOf6
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 2:03 PM
Maybe if his kids see it they can maybe mention something to him? My girls will sometimes ask dh why hes being so mean to me when hes on a rampage from time to time. I know hes not doing it because hes mad me but because he just had a bad day or someone pissed him off and i happen to be in the line of fire. Just a thought
spicy0425
by Silver Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 2:15 PM
4 moms liked this

If you allow me to be blunt, you are delusional for forcing yourself into thinking this man is your soul mate. Do you know the definition of a soul mate? Men normally don't change their personality the way you described your soul mate. He sounds more like a man who knows his priority and you are not very high on his list. Or lightly put, your relationship with him is not high on his list. If he couldn't differentiate that you are an entirely different person than his ex-wife, what makes you think he will be a soul mate to you in the long run?  When his kids are not there, he might cling on you because he doesn't want to be alone/lonely. When his kids or the replacements are closed by, he puts you in the back burner. Is this how a soul mate should treat you? I hope you'll realize if this relationship is one-sided more from you  to him than him to you. If I were you, I'd get out of this relationship and go find another man who will deserve me and treat me more decent.  I hope you forgive me for being so straight forward. Things only get worse once you are in too deep or once you get married. Now you no longer have any leverage to negotiate for the right position in his heart.

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