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Struggling Step Mother

Posted by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:06 PM
  • 65 Replies

I am 21 and have a 14 month old daughter with my husband.  He has an almost two year old with his ex and it has been a rollar coaster within our family.  I love my step son to death but it seems for the most part everyone on my husbands side focuses on him and not my daughter also.  I have been struggling for a while to find my role in his life and no one i know seems to know an exact answer.  I feel like a built in babysitter and when it comes to any decisions it is not my place to say.  My biggest problem right now is he has been getting violent with my daughter and she has gotten really hurt.  I have tried talking to my husband but he brushes it off like I hate his son.  That is not at all the case I just fear for my daughter right now. I could really use some advice!

by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:12 PM
Keep her away from your step son
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:17 PM
1 mom liked this
So you got pregnant right after his son was born? Do you think his family has trouble taking you seriously or blames you for that relationship ending?

You all are very very young to have made this many life mistakes in such a short period of time. This could be what the family sees too. I can't stop shaking my head and feeling sad for the innocent babies.

Also, it is normal for a toddler to be rough with a baby. They have to be taught over and over again every day how to be gentle.

You are very young. Do you have the support of your family?
DeliteCrazy
by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:19 PM
This is going to be interesting.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
DaniBennett12
by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:20 PM

I did not break up their relationship.  They were completely over by the time we met.  His ex got pregnant on purpose so she could give the baby to her mother because she couldn't have kids. I don't consider my daughter a mistake and yes I am young but I love her with all my heart. It is a complicated situation. 

DaniBennett12
by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:22 PM

I would also like to add that I would never ever hurt a child.  He learns his behavior from his mothers side and he is only with us part time so whatever we try to teach him doesn't do much good because we don't have him full time.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:25 PM
1 mom liked this

You are so young.  At your age, my biggest concern was a term paper or making sure I got payroll done before I went out to the bar.  I can't imagine having been a wife, a mother, or a step mother at your age.  So I'm sorry. I just don't have the ability, much as I could try, to truly understand where you're at in life.

I waited a long time (into my 30's) to get married.  So I'm not sure I can be of much help.

1) Protect your child.  If your DH won't talk to you about your concerns, you have big issues. You may want to involve a counselor or leave if you're truly concerned.

2)  I find it hard to believe that a 2YO is truly violent.  You may need to modify your expectations.


jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:26 PM
2 moms liked this

How old is your DH?  How long have you two been together and how long have you two been married?  How often is your SS with you and DH?  Is there a set schedule? 

And Hopes is right... your SS's behavior is quite normal for 'almost 2' but the lessons on how to treat others, your DD or you or anyone, need to be repeated for a long time to come.  At his age he won't remember from visit to visit how to treat your DD. It'll take consistency from you and DH to correct his behavior. 

How has he been violent with your DD?  Were the children left alone or did this happen with you and/or DH right there?  At his age it's not 'intent' (his intent isn't to harm your DD, it's not personal on his part, even when it may look like it is) and you have to remember that EACH time something happens. 

What are your DH's family members doing that make you thnk they're solely focusing on your SS?  What do you expect them to do to focus on your DD?  Perhaps they feel sorry for him so they feel they need to 'make up' for something he doesn't even realize (yet) he's missing?  This doesn't make it 'right' but, you aren't going to change others, you can only change how you react to others. 

Why do you feel like a built in babysitter?  Who makes you feel this way and why do you allow it? 

You ARE very young but that doesn't mean things can't improve.  What prior experience around infants/toddlers do you or DH have? 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:30 PM
3 moms liked this

No, he behaves this way because of his AGE.  This is completely NORMAL for this age.  Your own precious DD will do it too, and it'll still be completely normal then too.  Normal doesn't mean acceptable, that's where the teaching comes in that parents do. And, yes, even the part time parents can have an impact if they're consistent. 

Quoting DaniBennett12:

I would also like to add that I would never ever hurt a child.  He learns his behavior from his mothers side and he is only with us part time so whatever we try to teach him doesn't do much good because we don't have him full time

momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:32 PM

Just how is an almost 2 year old violent?

DaniBennett12
by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 5:35 PM

My husband is 21. We have been together 2 years  married for 1. We get his son every other weekend. There was a set schedule but his ex is so unpredictable she hasn't had her son for a weekend in 2 months all she wants to do is party. I have tried getting some help on how to get his son to be nicer but he doesnt think its his job. I have been in the room playing with my daughter and he has come up knocked her off the couch and kicked her and slapped her. I can no longer be a couple feet away before something happens. I don't leave them alone and he still gets violent.  They buy him toys and clothes but not much for my daughter they only ask to see my step son and very rarely my daughter.  Im not the only one noticing this my husband has seen this too but he doesn't mind.  I have been his main caretaker when he is here but lately my husband says it is not my place to say no to conor but then turns around and gets mad when I can't take him for a day when I have homework. I have been working with kids for 7 years. I love my step son but i don't know my place anymore.

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