Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Don't know what to do anymore

Posted by on Nov. 18, 2013 at 10:12 AM
  • 4 Replies
I am a custodial step mom and have been in SS6's life since he was almost 2 years old. Now he is almost 7. Well we have custody because BM is in prison. Long story short we gave BM's mom (SS's GM) typical dad visitation EOW and holidays. Well she lied all the time, about where she lived (over 100 miles got more visits), then she slapped SS in the face. We then decided enough was enough and hired a lawyer. Well we went to court about a month ago and now she only gets one weekend a month (temporary) and she is not allowed to bring child in the middle of the litigations and talk bad about us etc. She also is not allowed to take SS to see his mom in prison. We did this because my husband took him and we saw the emotional toll first hand it takes on him. It is only temporary till he goes to a psycologist so they can make their professional opinion on if he is stable enough emotionally to visit his mom in jail. Well this past weekend was her first weekend taking him for her one weekend a month thing. SS asked us to call him Saturday because he would miss us so we did and he asked to talk to me SM. I get on the phone and before he even says Hi he says "Why do you not want me to come to GM's house" and pretty much goes on to explain that they don't lie to him and that they said it's all my fault and that he wanted to know why.

That is putting him in the middle. And why all of a sudden is it my fault. They think I want to be his mom. I am not his mom, do I love him? YES! With all my heart but I have accepted that I am SM and will never add up to his mother and how much he loves her. Does he love me? YES! But not like he loves his mom and dad and I am okay with that. I grew up around people who had SP's and I know that no matter what his mom does she will always be his mom and I have come to terms with that. Well they think that it's because I want to push them all out of the picture so I can be Mom. If I did that it would break SS's heart. I just wish I could say this to them but everytime I try to explain myself I just dig a whole and put my foot in my mouth. But they are telling my SS who I TAKE CARE OF that it is all my fault. When in the end it is what they are doing to him that is giving them less time. We never would have changed the originial orders if she wouldn't have done all the things she did.

Just venting and need advice.
by on Nov. 18, 2013 at 10:12 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-4):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Nov. 18, 2013 at 10:42 AM
1 mom liked this

Let the professionals evaluate the situation.  What you're describing is pretty common when there is custody in play.  Professionals will see it and make decisions based on it.

As hard as it is, just take the high road. Let your SS know that you care about him and that you guys are trying to do what you can to keep him safe and happy.  Gma is digging her own hole.  You don't need to break out a shovel.  Just document. 


LilMamaK
by Member on Nov. 18, 2013 at 11:15 AM
1 mom liked this

 I agree! Document everything and let them know they are talking badly about you (going against court order!) and they are putting SS in the middle! He is 7 and shouldn't be told things like this.

Quoting Birdseed:

Let the professionals evaluate the situation.  What you're describing is pretty common when there is custody in play.  Professionals will see it and make decisions based on it.

As hard as it is, just take the high road. Let your SS know that you care about him and that you guys are trying to do what you can to keep him safe and happy.  Gma is digging her own hole.  You don't need to break out a shovel.  Just document. 

 

 

 Mommy to a beautiful daughter (7.5.08), Stepmom to an amazing son(6.5.07), and Angel baby boy(3.6.10)

DisabledVet
by on Nov. 18, 2013 at 2:34 PM
1 mom liked this

It's a shame that others don't seem to put him first. Just hang in there and let the professionals do their job. I would however get ss counseling so he can vent safely. I agree with the other comments. Good luck.

MammaPK
by Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 10:31 AM

I agree with Birdseed, LilmamaK, and DisabledVet.

I have experienced a similar situation with my oldest stepson.  He is 13 now, but about 3 years ago his BM put us in a similar situation.

Background:

BM had supervised visitation (her mother, the 2 boys' gm was the one court-ordered to supervise the visits), no overnights, 1st, 3rd, & 5th Saturdays & Sundays from 8:00 A.M. to 6 P.M. BTW: She had been in jail and rehab on separate occassions and has since gone to prison and is now in a half-way house.

I am not saying that you should do this, but, with my stepson and me, it was the best course of action.  We are very close and he trusts me - more than anyone else.  So, when BM was bad mouthing DH b/c he would not allow SS to do something with her, he got mad at his dad (DH) about it, I asked my SS, "Do you want to know the truth?" The thing that she was proposing was never going to happen, anyway, b/c the GM would have to be present and go with them to an activity and she was NOT planning to do this.  I know b/c she and I talked about it.

Well...my SS was tentative, but he said, "Yes."  So I told him about the court orders that we were following and a little (not everything) about the situation.

Then, I asked him if that was something that he wanted to hear about or know about.  He said, "No."  I explained to him that this is the reason that we do not share some information with him.  We know that it would only hurt him and that he does NOT need to be put in the middle.

I told SS that he must trust dad and me to take care of him and that he should just just love his mom for what she can give.

The Thing is, if I am wrong about something, I will tell him that I messed up.  If he needs me, I am there.  If he needs to get his "stuff" together and stop blaming someone else for his troubles (or whatever), I tell him.  I am tough, but I never stop trying to do what is right for him and I never stop loving him, and I do NOT put him in harms way.  He knows and appreciates this (even when I P*$$ him off - lol).

Sorry so long, just wanted to share.  Maybe it will help a bit.  The thing is you are not alone out there.

Best Advice I have seen these gals give you, already:

1) Document

2) Take the high road

3) Let the professionals evaluate the situation

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS! group hug

Quoting Birdseed:

Let the professionals evaluate the situation.  What you're describing is pretty common when there is custody in play.  Professionals will see it and make decisions based on it.

As hard as it is, just take the high road. Let your SS know that you care about him and that you guys are trying to do what you can to keep him safe and happy.  Gma is digging her own hole.  You don't need to break out a shovel.  Just document. 




Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)