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Was this choosing favorites?

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:01 PM
  • 67 Replies
I still don't know if Dh was right or not. A fight we had earlier bugged me and I just want another opinion, because I posted this in MC and all hell broke loose because I'm apparently an evil sm who hates her ss and such.... Instead of just wanting to teach the kids that sometimes someone may get a toy and the other may not.


Basically, dd3 fell and had stitches. She was so brave- didn't cry on the ride to the ER or even during the stitches.
Ss5 flipped out. The nurse were taking time away from getting dd checked in to calm him down, he was hysterical. He's always much more emotional than dd though, so I'm not really surprised he had such an emotional reaction.

Long story short, I decided to go to the store and pick up a stuffed animal as a comfort to dd because she was so brave and still in a lot of pain.

Dh felt that I needed to get ss something as well for being compassionate. I disagreed, because compassion is a behavior we always expect from the kids. I didn't think he needed a toy just for acting like he is being raised to behave. I ended up picking the kids up doughnuts as a treat, ss a small toy (to keep the peace with Dh), and dd got a stuffed lambie from doc mcstuffins- because she really did need a cuddle!

Would you have bought something for both kids or just one?


by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:04 PM
1 mom liked this

 i prob would have teken them both for a treat after and skipped toys altogether.

dawnnamarie
by Silver Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:05 PM
It was late and she was hurting quite a bit, so they just headed home. We picked up the special doughnuts this morning for them though :)

Quoting faerie75:

 i prob would have teken them both for a treat after and skipped toys altogether.

DLMsMommy
by Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Just one... not because of "favorites" or anything, but because SS was not being good and was not letting the Drs and Nurses focus on his sister like he should have.

KenneMaw
by on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree that DD needed  special cuddly animal tohelp her deal with the stitches.   As for SS, I don't see why he needed a toy.  I think going for donuts or ice cream or french fries..whatever...shoudl have been enough for him.  Once you were home and DD was asleep, I think I would hug and cuddle with SS .   I imagine he was scared particularly if there was blood.   Our neighbor accidently hit our DD with a big stick and she had to get stitches.   The litlte boy was WAY more upset than our DD when he saw all of the blood on her clothes, in her hair, etc... I thouight he was going to pass out and we ended up comforting him almost as much as DD.

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:11 PM
This is probably a personal call. In general we buy things for the kid who needs it. For example, if one child has outgrown shoes, I don't buy shoes for ALL the kids. In this case, I don't think you were trying to short change SS. But he was upset so I'm guessing DH felt he needed comforting too?
pepper504
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:12 PM
1 mom liked this

If it keeps the peace, then so be it. 

Personally, everything in life is not equal regardless of whether you come from an intact home or a broken home.  Someone is always going to get something extra, but it all equals out in the end, if that makes sense?

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:16 PM

I don't think your actions were unreasonable.  Your DD was hurt and got stitches.  That's a big event for a 3yo. 

When my SS was a baby and prior to my DH gaining custody, SD sometimes found herself home alone trying to care for him.  Consequently, she has always felt very responsible for him, and that's something we've worked to diffuse since her idea of protecting tends to be over-the-top controlling and problematic.  He's had some big (nothing life threatening) booboos in the past wherein he was scared and crying, and she was absolutely flipping out.  Now, they're older than the two you describe.  Nonetheless, a flipping out by-stander is not a help, compassionate or otherwise, and she was scolded for her reaction, not rewarded.  My patience with a 5yo would be far greater than it has been with my SD since 8+, but I would want to see him removed from the scene and comforted away from the injured child so as not to add additional stress.  Buying a toy wouldn't cross my mind, though cuddling and comforting the non-injured child later to ensure they were okay with events and stress of the day would be a high priority as soon as injured kiddo was settled (regardless of step, bio, etc.).

dawnnamarie
by Silver Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:16 PM
That was my line of thinking too.

Dh got defensive and tried to make it into something about them being equal. I know we were both emotional, but it just seemed a bit more dramatic than it needed to be.


Quoting DLMsMommy:

Just one... not because of "favorites" or anything, but because SS was not being good and was not letting the Drs and Nurses focus on his sister like he should have.

dawnnamarie
by Silver Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:18 PM
I made sure to give ss some special one on one time this morning to talk to him about what happened and make sure he understood that it was really good of him to be concerned about dd

Quoting KenneMaw:

I agree that DD needed  special cuddly animal tohelp her deal with the stitches.   As for SS, I don't see why he needed a toy.  I think going for donuts or ice cream or french fries..whatever...shoudl have been enough for him.  Once you were home and DD was asleep, I think I would hug and cuddle with SS .   I imagine he was scared particularly if there was blood.   Our neighbor accidently hit our DD with a big stick and she had to get stitches.   The litlte boy was WAY more upset than our DD when he saw all of the blood on her clothes, in her hair, etc... I thouight he was going to pass out and we ended up comforting him almost as much as DD.

ramita
by Silver Member on Nov. 19, 2013 at 5:18 PM
1 mom liked this
Just DD.
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