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Perhaps the final update on SD16 in the mental hospital

Posted by on Nov. 21, 2013 at 9:00 PM
  • 34 Replies
I know there are a few of you who have followed this and have really helped me with your words of support and advice, so I thought I'd add the last chapter.

SD16 is due to discharged on Friday. Quite honestly, I don't think she is much better, but she is medicated to the teeth and she is acting better, so she gets out. In September, after yet another session where SD refused to participate, the decision was made for her to go live with MIL. This will give her a fresh start of sorts at a new school and let her live in a house that has no other children to compete with for attention. It also gets her away from the evil stepmother. In one of the last sessions, SD did reveal that I was the only person who really knew her and who she couldn't lie to. This makes her uncomfortable and that's why she doesn't like me.She admitted that it is easy to lie to DH and MIL aand they don't really know her, nor does anyone else. Once she was not coming back to our home, SD became completely compliant with all therapy. DH then asked that I not participate on anything. He feels that it is too damaging to our relationship. Also, MIL hates me and she doesn't want me to have any contact. The therapist was not happy.
We did participate in one session in the last two months where SD discussed some of the abuse at her mom's house. DH wanted to ask about it and I was present to support him, but didn't really participate. SD was the exact same personality she was when she was admitted. The lack of progress really concerns me, but I am told it is not my problem. DH and MIL have decided that the problem is that SD has been made to talk about these upsetting things and that is why she is not making progress. If she would just keep it all in and forget it, she could move on and live a happy life. So...yeah...wth. That should work really well with a bipolar teen, doncha think?

DH has been having trouble dealing with SD not coming back to live here, combined with her bipolar diagnosis. He does not accept the diagnosis. He blames me for her not being able to live here. He has a lot HE has to work through. I am at peace with what I have done and have no regrets.

My kids are healing and getting past all of this. Once SD's living situation was worked out, the uncertainty in their lives was settled. DD is flourishing. She has come back to life. I am glad to see the cloud lifted from her life. DS is having issues, but with his Aspergers, things are always more complicated.

SD will have in home therapeutic services. I am hoping some of these will be used for our family. DH wants her to be included in holidays and vacations. Right now, that isn't possible. She has had extensive therapy - we have had none and we all have things we need to work out with her.

So that's where we are. Not sure if I am still a SM. Honestly not very sure if I will even see her more than once or twice a year.
by on Nov. 21, 2013 at 9:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Boobear110
by Audra on Nov. 21, 2013 at 9:17 PM
2 moms liked this

I have followed your story but have never commented because , quite frankly, I had no advice to give except chin up. I still don't. But I do have a better idea of the chaos your life can become because of mental illness. Not to your extreme.

My SO Mom had paranoid delusions. I have never known her off her meds until about 6 months ago. He has had to deal with it his entire life.

I became the target of her illness this time. I guess this is how it goes. It's a sad and difficult process. Getting her help is almost impossible. We have gotten her into the hospital 3 times already but they can only keep her for so long then release her.

So the point of my post is not to offer advice because I still have no idea what to even begin to tell you. But to say good luck to you and in my way I know what you are dealing with 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 21, 2013 at 11:57 PM
1 mom liked this
It took me a while to respond. I really needed to think about this post. I feel like you are blamed a lot. And you seem ok with it? Or maybe you are just accepting? I really don't know your entire story. But I really feel angry for you because I don't understand why you are the reason for all the blame and I wonder how you will continue in a marriage where all of this is laid on you.
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:09 AM
I remember your story.
Honestly it's best for everyone, SD is going to live with MIL.
You did a lot for her.
Now it is time to heal and give your best to your kids. Your H will get over SD staying with him mother, after all it's enough putting all energy for one child in expense of the rest of the family.
Good luck and much happiness to you all!
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:10 AM
So many "all" :)


Quoting annabl1970:

I remember your story.

Honestly it's best for everyone, SD is going to live with MIL.

You did a lot for her.

Now it is time to heal and give your best to your kids. Your H will get over SD staying with him mother, after all it's enough putting all energy for one child in expense of the rest of the family.

Good luck and much happiness to you all!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 12:49 AM
Glad to hear that you are surviving this and your kids are doing ok. Mental illness effects the whole family. So glad to hear that mil is stepping up to have sd at her home and in therapy. You have a tough situation and I wish you the best.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 2:12 AM

I have struggled with a child and mental healt issues and the complete lack of any therapeutic support for the rest of the family.  I feel it is a huge missing piece.  I can only hope I have done right by DDs and that they got the tools they needed to understand their stepbrother, who they love and worry about.  But they are 17 and 19.  Your kids are younger, right?

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 4:54 AM
I was very VERY angry at all the blame flung my way for quite some time. Then, my mom said to me 'Don't let their problems become your problems'. In short, don't let their inability to accept or deal with this be dumped on me or used to hurt me. When I have I bad moment, I whisper that to myself.

I know I handled things well. I have the backing of many therapists, doctors, and specialists telling me that I handled things well. In truth, DH and MIL are the ones who have not handled things well in the past. Now it is all on them. Let see how it goes now that they will not have me (or BM) to blame.

I hope my marriage will be okay. SD is the only real issue. I'd like to get therapy centered around that, but he has not yet accepted she has a mental illness - how could we possibly need counseling to deal with issues stemming from something she doesn't have??? I have concerns for down the road. Her diagnosis is one that has life long implications and she will need firm limitations from us. He is not yet ready to see that.


Quoting momof2ex1:

It took me a while to respond. I really needed to think about this post. I feel like you are blamed a lot. And you seem ok with it? Or maybe you are just accepting? I really don't know your entire story. But I really feel angry for you because I don't understand why you are the reason for all the blame and I wonder how you will continue in a marriage where all of this is laid on you.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 4:57 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you!

Quoting annabl1970:

I remember your story.

Honestly it's best for everyone, SD is going to live with MIL.

You did a lot for her.

Now it is time to heal and give your best to your kids. Your H will get over SD staying with him mother, after all it's enough putting all energy for one child in expense of the rest of the family.

Good luck and much happiness to you all!
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 5:02 AM
MIL has no idea what she is in for and neither does SD.

MIL thinks most of the issues were because of an evil stepmom and if she controls every last thing, there will be no issues. SD will spend every mom orbit not in school with her.

SD thinks she is going to live like a princess. In reality, it will be jail. No Internet, no phone, no social life, no time out of MIL's sight!

Instead of teaching how to live safely, MIL wants to put her in a bubble. SD will withdraw, get depressed, get symptomatic, then rebel. She is already doing some of the small behaviors that she did when she first came to live here, but no one wants to hear it. I worry about it, but an trying to just focus on my house.


Quoting OvrMyHead:

Glad to hear that you are surviving this and your kids are doing ok. Mental illness effects the whole family. So glad to hear that mil is stepping up to have sd at her home and in therapy. You have a tough situation and I wish you the best.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 22, 2013 at 5:10 AM
I find it amazing that they think it is acceptable to just drop these teens back into their homes when the families have had zero counseling in conjunction with the teen's! Why is there no coordinated care???

I have 'two sets' of kids: DS16, DD14, DS2, and DD1(almost). The teens really could use some counseling. The babies don't even know SD. Honestly, her behavior around them has been worrisome in the past, so I prefer her to either keep her distance or be supervised by me. DH is so blinded by the situation, he doesn't see when she is manic around the babies or when they are uncomfortable.

I feel like her services were so centered on her that they never considered how to fit her back into her family. I feel like that is why it didn't work. Like they let her be in charge of so much that she just led them away from reality and no one could steer things back.

I hope your DDs are doing well!


Quoting pdxmum:

I have struggled with a child and mental healt issues and the complete lack of any therapeutic support for the rest of the family.  I feel it is a huge missing piece.  I can only hope I have done right by DDs and that they got the tools they needed to understand their stepbrother, who they love and worry about.  But they are 17 and 19.  Your kids are younger, right?

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