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(UPDATE also Pgs3-4 more info)BM split with her boyfriend, Now lets SD stay the weekend at his house??!

Posted by on Nov. 23, 2013 at 3:06 AM
  • 42 Replies

Ok here's whats new.

BM kicked out her boyfriend about a month ago. Nothing was brought to my DH's attention about this but we didn't really care. We found out when SD came to us on DH's parenting time and told us her BM kicked her boyfriend out (2 weeks ago SD told us but it happened 3 weeks prior to that). BM had another child with this boyfriend/ex which is 3 years old now. After the split BM takes DS to see his BF every weekend and stays the night. Ok, none of our business.

Well a few months ago BM finally after years of mooching, got a job! Was actually happy for her for doing her job to take care of her kids and not have everyone else do it. Here's the problem with this. BM works nights, so even while my SD is in school BM is at home sleeping. When my SD is home in her care BM is away at work. So there for BM is not around to care for my SD (Age 10 in this coming January). BM has had her "EX" before they split watch both kids while she worked. Ok, no big deal because she was also in her Grand Parents home where they all lived. So it was either grandma/grandpa watching SD and her DS or it was her boyfriend.

Ready for the MESSED UP PART? Ever sense BM and Boyfriend split, they agreed to send their DS to his place every weekend. So her DS goes to stay with his dad on the weekends (OK again not our problem or business).

But, we found out from my SD yesterday that she is also sending my SD on the weekends she has her to stay at her "EX" boyfriends house as well with her younger brother! For anyone who doesn't know. My DH gets his daughter 3 out of 4 weekends each month and alt. holidays. BM said she wanted SD for one weekend a month so she could hang with friends or do things with her on the weekend where school wasn't in the way of doing something. So that means the first weekend of this month BM got my SD but found out this weekend that she shipped her off to stay the whole weekend with her ex boyfriend. Also last weekend my DH was on a hunting trip for opening week of gun hunting season for deer. So instead of BM getting mad at my SD having to stay with me all weekend while DH was away we told BM she could keep her if she wanted. She said that was fine and didn't think anything of it. We sometimes switch weekends if either parent has something planned so it was no biggie to switch weekends. Wellllll Then we find out that BM sent my SD to go stay the weekend with her EX BOYFRIEND and who know's who he's staying with. My DH will be getting to the bottom of this on sunday when we go to take her home to her BM and he's going to be talking to BM about getting the majority custody from her because she can't seem to be around enough anymore to be there for her daughter.

((Just to let everyone know, when BM got the majority custody years ago it was on the fact that she did not work and was there 24/7 to care for the child. The grounds that my DH worked to much and was not around due to his working 3rd shift and was having me, his wife watch her while she was with us. The judge granted BM majority custody on the grounds that she was the best parent to be there for her. Well now the roles have reversed and BM is no where around when my SD needs her, and is now shipping her off with her ex boyfriend because she can't deal with her! I think we need to take her back into court and plan to if BM does not want to switch willingly.... To me I feel that there is a difference in the whole I'm married to my DH and BM was only dating this other guy she had another child with. But with it reversed now BM told my SD not to tell us anything because she's scared that we would get the majority custody now because she pulled the same thing on my DH when he had other people watch his daughter while he worked and couldn't be with her 24/7 taking away his time with is daughter because of it, now she's in the same boat and know's she'd loose.))

So, I know its long. But does anyone else think its messed up that BM is allowing my SD to stay over night 2 nights on a weekend with her EX boyfriend? Even tho it is her half brothers dad, We don't seem to think its right. I mean they never married so he's not a Step Dad to her. There is no court order that says she has to be there. I don't get how BM thinks its ok for her ex boyfriend to care for her other child that isn't his and thinks that her real father wont find out and be mad.

Thoughts, Advice? I'd appreciate it. Thanks, and sorry for it being so long.

I want to add because so many are asking me why we should have a problem with it. Seeing as I being the SM watch my SD while her BD is at work how is it different?

One, Its because we were told by my SD that she does not want to go there. Two, He is not blood or legally married to her mom. Three there is a court order in place that BM & BD get custody, No where in the papers does it say "BM's ex boyfriends are ok to keep the child over night. I can see if its for like the "Day" after school or while BM works for babysitting. But overnights are just to much. How is it ok or not weird that she's staying over night? Not to mention that BM did not inform my DH about this or to ask him if he wanted her on BMs weekend instead so her EX wouldn't have to watch her. We only found out when my SD told us thats where she's staying when she's not with us because her moms working to much and isn't around. Read pages 3-4 on my answers to some of the questions to see more info.

My SD loves her little brother and even when she was with us for the longest time would cry and be so sad the whole weekend because she missed her little brother so much. But when her brother now goes with is dad to HIS house because he is not living with her BM anymore... She does not want to go there with him. What happened to make my SD not want to go with her brother to his dads house if it ment spending more time with him?

I mean, do we have rights.. as in does my DH have rights to say that his DD shouldn't be in the care of an ex boyfriend when she could be with him? Can the courts grant my DH more parenting time because she's to busy to care for her now that she has a job and is having her ex watch the child and durring the week her grand parents watch her. Its fine if the "Boyfriend or husband" is living in the home and where the child is living. But how is it right to spend the night at a strange home with an ex boyfriend that hates her mom? Then on the days she is with her BM, she is not around and everyone else is there for her.

So, How many of you now still think its ok and that a change in custody shouldn't be granted? BM got every first weekend of the month so she could have her on the weekend and was not in school to have plans to do things with her. So why not now should my DH be given that weekend back because she's sending her with her ex and is not actually spending it with her BM?

by on Nov. 23, 2013 at 3:06 AM
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Replies (1-10):
fstysxofthebtt
by Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 7:04 AM
she can care for her dd even if she works graves. My dh worked graves and he spent the time after my ss's got out of school until bedtime with them.
amantonacci
by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 8:27 AM

What would be the change in circumstance that would suggest there should be a custody change? 

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 8:36 AM
2 moms liked this

How does SD feel about staying with her brother's dad?  I mean, I'm assuming if her little brother is 3 and mom has primary physical custody that they have some sort of relationship?

Has your DH considered talking to BM and asking for the time if BM is doing it because of work?  

How long ago was custody court?  How old was SD then, how old is she now?  I'm assuming SD was younger when it went to court and if she was the primary caregiver with more available time it makes total sense that she ended up with primary custody and that is unlikely to change now, years later, when SD is established in her routine.

Your DH could request right of first refusal to be put into the CO but I honestly don't see a judge turning over custody now that BM has a job and has found childcare for SD since your DH would still have to do the same...

venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 8:45 AM
2 moms liked this
I see no problem he has been a part of her life for what i assume 4 yrs atleast. Just because they never married doesn't mean they did form a bond or love eachother .Does sd not want to go there? It is on her time in which she gets to decided what sd does. Give bm a break instead of trying to take her daughter away for getting a job and allowing sd to visit a man that's been a part of sd life for a while.

Your dh only gets weekend 3/4 and he decides to skip one. how will that look in court?talk about not spending timw bm has her day in and out not only 6 day or 4 now. Is she or he a danger to sd?
DeliteCrazy
by on Nov. 23, 2013 at 9:23 AM
2 moms liked this
Your dh should get first right refusal thing put in place.

I'm confused, Bm is working and her exbf is watching the kids. When your dh works, you watch the kids. Only difference is you're married.

Would you be this territorial if SD stayed with a baby sitter?
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PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 11:31 AM
I don't think there's anything wrong with SD staying with BM's ex.

If DH and I split I'd let him take DD sometimes on my time. They have lived together for years, they love each other, and if DD wants to keep that relationship going I'd encourage it. We don't even have kids together. And if we never married, I'd still let him take her. There's no reason to break their healthy relationship just because ours failed.
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 11:40 AM
From POV of BP I think I wouldn't be happy if my child stayed with ExBF of other parent.
But why do you SM get so involved?
Let BPs figure out the things between themselves.
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chanizen
by Platinum Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 11:46 AM
3 moms liked this
Idk, I know my ex is honest and trustworthy. I'm sure he would watch his daughter's sister if I asked.

My youngest, btw, adores him.

Just because he is a man does not mean he is a molester.

Why would this be any different than a sm or ex sm watching a child?
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this
I think there is a possibility that a custody could change.
Legal SP helping with childcare could be preferred by court more than ex-boyfriend.



Quoting AmericanDream:

How does SD feel about staying with her brother's dad?  I mean, I'm assuming if her little brother is 3 and mom has primary physical custody that they have some sort of relationship?

Has your DH considered talking to BM and asking for the time if BM is doing it because of work?  

How long ago was custody court?  How old was SD then, how old is she now?  I'm assuming SD was younger when it went to court and if she was the primary caregiver with more available time it makes total sense that she ended up with primary custody and that is unlikely to change now, years later, when SD is established in her routine.

Your DH could request right of first refusal to be put into the CO but I honestly don't see a judge turning over custody now that BM has a job and has found childcare for SD since your DH would still have to do the same...


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mouthyhousewife
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 11:50 AM
So bm is leaving the kids alone at night when she goes to work???
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