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How to deal w/ Manipulative SD?

Posted by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 4:45 PM
  • 27 Replies

Hi ladies! It's been a really long time since I've been on CM, but I need some help and I've always found wonderful support here.

Background: DH and I have been together almost 10 yrs, married 8, and BM has been completely out of the picture for over 6 yrs. SD will be 16 in a few weeks, and we have 2 more daughters together, almost 8 & 3.5

when SD was little, she was VERY good at manipulating DH and BM to play them off each other, get things her way, and generally create a drama that she seemed to thrive on-definitely her mother's daughter....anyway, DH finally realized what SD was up to, and put his foot down; actually acting like a parent and not her BFF.

Lately, I'm noticing that SD goes out of her way to "tattle" on me-I'll say something flippant, like yesterday I made a snide remark about how we are in the process of moving, and DH has been complaining about how he's been doing all of the hard stuff, but it's ok for me to have had to handle all the stress of actually buying the house, working a full-time job, raising the kids and setting up the new house....

so what does DH say this am when I argued that my doing all of ^^^this should count for something? "Oh, yeah, I HEARD THAT WAS YOUR NEW EXCUSE..." Totally turning my words (which were taken out of context) around on me, and not caring that he has no knowledge of the conversation that took place when I made the comment.

or yesterday when I took SD  to have her hair done for her winter formal-the lady that did her hair told me at the end of the appointment that her card reader was down and did I have cash. I didn't, but SD piped up that DH had given her an "emergency $100", so we went ahead and used that-hair, a scarf, and earrings + tip was $60. DH made some snarky comment about how I "took" HIS $$$ and blew it on crap. Which, other than asking if she used the $$$, he wouldn't even care how it was spent, so I can assume (based on his attitude lately) that he asked what it was spent on, SD told him, and when she discovered that he didn't like it, she continued to egg on his displeasure...mind you, she has no problem "letting" me spend a small fortune on her, but then kisses up to DH and blames me when she sees opportunity. 

How the hell do I deal with this? 

by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 4:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 4:47 PM
4 moms liked this

Your problem is DH, not SD. 

montanacat
by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 4:57 PM
1 mom liked this

But how do I get him to understand that he's the problem without causing WWIII? We've been down this road before, when we first got married and I almost left then. I REFUSE to be taken advantage of, but he's got it in his head (with her help of course!) that whatever I do is mediocre, half-assed, etc. 

how do I call SD out on this tho? DH has always been a softie for anything SD says or does, and she knows it. I want to make it VERY CLEAR to her self-righteous little butt that if she pushes hard enough to get us fighting regularly, it will be HER life, not mine that will be miserable.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 5:01 PM
2 moms liked this



Quoting montanacat:

But how do I get him to understand that he's the problem without causing WWIII? We've been down this road before, when we first got married and I almost left then. I REFUSE to be taken advantage of, but he's got it in his head (with her help of course!) that whatever I do is mediocre, half-assed, etc. 

how do I call SD out on this tho? DH has always been a softie for anything SD says or does, and she knows it. I want to make it VERY CLEAR to her self-righteous little butt that if she pushes hard enough to get us fighting regularly, it will be HER life, not mine that will be miserable.

ok, a few possible ways the conversation could have gone:

DH: "you took MY $$$ and blew it on crap."

Me:  It's my money too.

or

Me: I was going to use my card, I would have blown the same amount of money on my card on the same crap. Lighten up - we can afford it.

or

Me: How about you take her to get her hair done next time, Mr-knows-how-much-hair-costs?

or

Me: Oh please, whatever. When is dinner ready?

And, there is nothing to call SD out on. She did nothing wrong here.

montanacat
by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 5:32 PM

K. I guess I'm just frustrated BC I AM home more than he is-like he's away from home about 80% of the time and when I ask ( no, more like I TELL him) to get on the kids about helping, listening, etc., he'll get on the younger 2, but not SD. as I type, DD7 is downstairs cleaning her room like I told her...SD went down too, but she's on her iPod,  texting, not doing a damn thing. If I get on her (and I do, BC I'm the only mom she's had since she was 6 & I don't play the "yours mine ours game") she'll do it, but complain to DH about it later and by the time I hear about it, it sounds. MOre like I forced her into slavery...

We have to be out of our old house no later than dec 8, and DH decided that rather than move, he's taking vacation next week and going hunting....but I don't do enough to help with the move, because I went grocery shopping today and he brought a load of stuff over. 

Bad week and stress getting the best of me I guess. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 5:44 PM
1 mom liked this

I totally get your frustration but it's DH, not SD, who is the cause of it. Focus your efforts on him.

so what if SD complains to DH?  really, so what???  Let her complain. KIds her age complain. It's what they do, it's in the handbook. Why do you take it personally???

montanacat
by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 5:52 PM
1 mom liked this

It's not that she complains, I couldn't care less about that-it's that she complains and like the dumbass he is, he'll play "knight in shining armor" and come at me with his misguided assumption of the situation; making me the bad guy instead of supporting and backing my decision. I KNOW it's him, being stupid...but I also know that at this age, SD IS FULLY aware of how he will react if he thinks she's been wronged, and she fuels the fire. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 6:05 PM


then you know it's HIM who is being the dumbass, not SD. SD is just being a regular teenage girl.

She's not fueling any fire. You are allowing there to BE a fire.

Quoting montanacat:

It's not that she complains, I couldn't care less about that-it's that she complains and like the dumbass he is, he'll play "knight in shining armor" and come at me with his misguided assumption of the situation; making me the bad guy instead of supporting and backing my decision. I KNOW it's him, being stupid...but I also know that at this age, SD IS FULLY aware of how he will react if he thinks she's been wronged, and she fuels the fire. 



jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 6:06 PM
2 moms liked this

Everytime I read something like this I want to give my dh a huge hug and say "thanks" as he has never bought manipulative bullshit from any of our kids. I lucked out.

Op, you have a dh problem. He plays into it instead of handling it like an adult.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 24, 2013 at 6:07 PM


You are letting him make you the bad guy. Turn it around on him!

Quoting montanacat:

 come at me with his misguided assumption of the situation; making me the bad guy instead of supporting and backing my decision. 



DDDaysh
by on Nov. 24, 2013 at 6:12 PM
1 mom liked this

 Here's the difference.  What she's doing is perfectly rational and developmentally typical.  Teenagers are going to try to play their parents.  They ALWAYS will.  That's why they are still considered minors and NEED parents. 

What he's doing is the problem, and it's showing a disrespect for you that's kind of crazy.  If SD wasn't around, it's not like he'd be perfect.  This is indicative of how he thinks of you and it would seep out in other ways, just like it is about the move. 

You need to call him to account.  If it starts WWIII then maybe you need to work through it with a therapist. 

Quoting montanacat:

It's not that she complains, I couldn't care less about that-it's that she complains and like the dumbass he is, he'll play "knight in shining armor" and come at me with his misguided assumption of the situation; making me the bad guy instead of supporting and backing my decision. I KNOW it's him, being stupid...but I also know that at this age, SD IS FULLY aware of how he will react if he thinks she's been wronged, and she fuels the fire. 

 

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