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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Doesn't want a SP at an event - be it birthday, wedding, graduation, etc, is it "tough luck, kid" or should their wishes be respected?

Is the respect contingent upon whether or not the SP agrees with the kids reason?

Ex: Graduation.  Only a certain number of tickets available.  Kid makes it clear that they are for dad, mom, siblings only.  Is this an issue for the parent to fight - SP over sibling - or do wishes get respected?

Sweet 16, SK doesn't want a SP there because they know parent and SP do not get along and since this is a biggish party (*hypothetically) the parents went in together on it.  SM and mom, for example, are unable to hide their disdain of one another, so to keep things less tense the kid says only parents, no SPs.

Add your own scenarios if you like.

by on Nov. 26, 2013 at 10:24 PM
Replies (21-30):
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 6:16 AM
2 moms liked this
I think it is reasonable for the child to request that the stepparent not be included. However, it is also reasonable that the child expect the the household that that stepparent lives in not contribute financially to the event.

There are so many different scenarios that there really cannot be a one size fits all. In the case of graduation tickets, bio parents and grandparents come first, followed by high school aged bio sibling, then CSP, then NCSP - but there could be a godparent or special aunt or uncle that takes precedence. Each family is unique. I do think it takes a special kind of spoiled brat to tell mom/dad that their spouse can't come, but they expect a party to be paid for by that household. You do not disrespect your parent in one breath while demanding money in the next, if you have to spare the other parent's feelings by excluding someone, the other parent had better be stepping up to pay for the party.

Weddings are another difficult situation. If the remarriage or significant relationship has been going on for more than five years (or longer than the bride and groom have been together), I think the stepparent should be invited. Again, if the step is not going to be included, neither should that bio parent's wallet. I do think if the issue is the parents all getting along, they need to suck it up for their child's sake.

I was in a wedding years ago where the bride's parents had a horrible divorce twenty years earlier. Dad was remarried (ten years later). Every detail was argued over - who got table #1? Whose name was listed first on the invitation? (Mom had separate invitations printed for her guests when she lost that fight) Who would see the dress first? Who would see her practice hair appointment? Who would pick the menu? Etc, etc, etc. Dad had more money: he paid for it, so if he didn't get his was, he just refused to write a check. The bride was covered in hives the week before the wedding. At the wedding, mom and dad forgot all their fights and sat with their arms around each other and cried throughout the entire thing. They have been friendly for the twenty years since. As a side note, the only time the bride pur her foot down was saying 'no' to her mother bringing her married boyfriend to the wedding - that set her over the edge!
CampClan
by Bronze Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 6:43 AM
In situations like the one you describe I think the SP should just butt out & leave it be. And maybe plan a small celebration with the SP so that he or she can be a part of it.

I know when my DS graduates we only get so many tickets for the event. And personally I don't think GF should be allowed to come since she didn't have a hand in raising DS. Heck neither did my ex but he is "dad" (not BF but DS calls him dad). I do not plan on allowing ex to bring GF to DS's graduation party either. If ex &GF wants to celebrate then they can make their own plans.
AnnieChristian_
by Bronze Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 6:43 AM
The SKs wishes about a SP not attending should always be respected and who in their right mind would want to be somewhere they aren't wanted anyway?!

I was only 18 when I had my first born. My mom & aunt threw my baby shower, my mom gave me the invitations to mail out as I wished. I did not mail one to my SM, my mom (giggling) asked me why and I said, "I don't want her here. She's awkward and I don't want to feel like she's judging me the whole time. That's how she makes me feel" I did want to send one to my dad's mom and my mom said, "That might be a bad idea. She will tell SM she was invited then SM will know she wasn't..." I told her, I really don't care-I'm not going to not invite my grandmother just so SM doesn't find out. After all her snide remarks & smirks about me being pregnant, why would she even think she'd be invited to this & it's at your house?

Now although my mom tried to advise me on how to make things a little less complicated-she totally respected my wishes on not extending her an invitation.
End result was, my GM (dad's mom) didn't show up to the shower at my mom's and the following weekend my dad picked me up for a "surprise baby shower" at his house hosted by SM. I seriously spent the entire time fighting back tears. My GM showed up to that one, of course and the rest of the attendees were SM's family & my uncles' wives who I barely know. My dad shoved in my face the whole time, "Look what she did for you" "I bet you didn't have this at your other baby shower" "She worked so hard on this" and I wanted to scream. Everyone at the party kept asking me about my "other baby shower" & it was like torture. I felt it was thrown only to make me feel as if I was a little bitch for not inviting "Super" SM in the first place. I thanked her for everything several times but no matter how many times I'd said it, my dad continued to whisper "you need to thank SM, she so worked hard on this" to me every time he was nearby. I was already pregnant & perhaps overly emotional but I bawled my eyes out in the bathroom after everyone left my dad's. Then went home and cried more. I felt so browbeaten and it's still a bad memory for me.
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 7:02 AM

This, but I think generally that the SPs that would understand are not the ones that have major problems in the dynamics.

Quoting amanda_mom89:

I would think any decent/mature person would understand the family dynamics and would not want to be somewhere they weren't wanted or would cause conflict.

But. I've been in this group for 2 years now and I know better. There are plenty of people who would put their need to be included over family harmony.

I'm sure it doesn't feel nice to not be included. I'm not saying that. But a reasonable person wouldn't try to butt in anyway, IMO.


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 7:09 AM

Did both your SM and BD show up (I wasn't sure from your post)?

I think your mother made the right decision, you were still young and so I think this was a decision best made by a parent as sometimes they are able to see further into the situation and not just the here and now.

For my wedding my mother forced me to include her brother (my uncle) who I had a 10 year issue with and on my wedding day, I was happy she was her demanding self because he and I chatted and really I was so happy on my wedding day that I didn't have the space to hold any grudges, my uncle is still an a--hole but he is my uncle and he would be there if I ever needed him. 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

In my graduation ticket experience, my wishes were NOT respected. My mom mailed two tickets to my BD and SM against my wishes. It seemed kinda pointless to me to have someone there who had nothing at all to do with my life. But, my mom felt it was the right thing to do.

I wouldn't have minded my SM coming if she had left my BD at home.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I had the graduation ticket problem. My wishes were respected however, I never lived it down and was not welcome in their home any more.




Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 7:12 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree and generally I always think it is in poor taste to start one's marriage by demonstrating disrespect for the marriage of one of your guests, more so your parent's marriage.

Quoting HopesNDreams:

.....

Weddings are another difficult situation. If the remarriage or significant relationship has been going on for more than five years (or longer than the bride and groom have been together), I think the stepparent should be invited. Again, if the step is not going to be included, neither should that bio parent's wallet. I do think if the issue is the parents all getting along, they need to suck it up for their child's sake.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 7:15 AM

Were you surprised at what happened after? Was the exclusion intended to end all relations?

Quoting momof2ex1:

I had the graduation ticket problem. My wishes were respected however, I never lived it down and was not welcome in their home any more.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

mb1111
by on Nov. 27, 2013 at 8:16 AM

My husband and I only have joint bank accounts, so his money is mine and mine is his, so if we are helping pay for said event then yes I plan to be there.  Otherwise we aren't helping pay for it.  That's rude to expect someone to help pay for a party and not invite them.  If it was something like a graduation where they only got so many tickets, then I would say BPs get first dibs, but I would expect to be next on the list.  My SS has no siblings though and his SF doesn't help him nearly as much as I do if at all with school work, so I would expect to get a ticket before he would or grandparents as well.  If half siblings came along, I would still expect to get the next ticket.  BM and I get along fine though, so it's really not an issue for us.  I'm pretty sure she would agree that I get the next ticket anyways.

Lorena
by Bronze Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 8:28 AM
What I do not understand is why sp and bp can not put their differences aside for the sake of the child.
Bm and I hate each other. However, we can both be adult enough to put it aside. My skids have no clue how much I don't like her. I think it is ridiculous to even put a child in the position that they feel they need to choose or exclude someone.
Graceplustwo
by on Nov. 27, 2013 at 9:13 AM
I think in those examples are understandable situations where the sp should respect the kids wishes. both of your examples are for a teen.skid. with younger children im not sure ..... I don't have any probs with skids mom so I.don't have to worry about that stuff
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