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Doesn't want a SP at an event - be it birthday, wedding, graduation, etc, is it "tough luck, kid" or should their wishes be respected?

Is the respect contingent upon whether or not the SP agrees with the kids reason?

Ex: Graduation.  Only a certain number of tickets available.  Kid makes it clear that they are for dad, mom, siblings only.  Is this an issue for the parent to fight - SP over sibling - or do wishes get respected?

Sweet 16, SK doesn't want a SP there because they know parent and SP do not get along and since this is a biggish party (*hypothetically) the parents went in together on it.  SM and mom, for example, are unable to hide their disdain of one another, so to keep things less tense the kid says only parents, no SPs.

Add your own scenarios if you like.

by on Nov. 26, 2013 at 10:24 PM
Replies (41-50):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 10:55 AM
I think as a kid - I was surprised at the behavior that followed but as an adult I realize it was just one of many issues. I wasn't aware at the time that my little half sister was fathered by another man and that my dad and Sm2 were on their way to divorce court. I hate the graduation ticket thing / there just isn't enough for the entire family to celebrate the completion of school. I had 6 grandparents - siblings who were married and had children - 2 parents and 2 stepparents. It's a hard call. But I knew I wanted the people who had helped me get through school to be there and Sm2 just wasn't that involved so why give her a seat when there were others who had been active in my schooling that should attend?


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Were you surprised at what happened after? Was the exclusion intended to end all relations?

Quoting momof2ex1:

I had the graduation ticket problem. My wishes were respected however, I never lived it down and was not welcome in their home any more.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:10 AM

Yes they did. And it was the first time I had seen or spoken to my BD or SM in over 5 years.

I still feel it was the wrong decision. I'd have rather had friends or other family members attend my graduation ceremony than my BD.

My BD was never a part of my life, so why should he be allowed to celebrate something like that in my life simply because I have half of his DNA?

He wasn't invited to my wedding, but that was MY decision completely.

We've never had the best of relationships. In fact, he didn't even tell his family he HAD a kid. His mom found out because she worked at the school and saw my birth certificate when my mom registered me for Kindergarten when I was 5. We lived in the same small town for the first 9 years of my life and I saw him maybe 3 times in all of those years. Even once my family moved, I only saw him about 3 times between 9 and 12, and then I didn't see him again until I was 17 and graduating high school. 


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Did both your SM and BD show up (I was sure for your post)?

I think your mother made the right decision, you were still young and so I think this was a decision best made by a parent as sometimes they are able to see further into the situation and not just the here and now.

For my wedding my mother forced me to include her brother (my uncle) who I had a 10 year issue with and on my wedding day, I was happy she was her demanding self because he and I chatted and really I was so happy on my wedding day that I didn't have the space to hold any grudges, my uncle is still an a--hole but he is my uncle and he would be there if I ever needed him. 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

In my graduation ticket experience, my wishes were NOT respected. My mom mailed two tickets to my BD and SM against my wishes. It seemed kinda pointless to me to have someone there who had nothing at all to do with my life. But, my mom felt it was the right thing to do.

I wouldn't have minded my SM coming if she had left my BD at home.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I had the graduation ticket problem. My wishes were respected however, I never lived it down and was not welcome in their home any more.






leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:30 AM

I understand about graduations, with limited tickets and generally I think school is parent turf. 

Quoting momof2ex1:

I think as a kid - I was surprised at the behavior that followed but as an adult I realize it was just one of many issues. I wasn't aware at the time that my little half sister was fathered by another man and that my dad and Sm2 were on their way to divorce court. I hate the graduation ticket thing / there just isn't enough for the entire family to celebrate the completion of school. I had 6 grandparents - siblings who were married and had children - 2 parents and 2 stepparents. It's a hard call. But I knew I wanted the people who had helped me get through school to be there and Sm2 just wasn't that involved so why give her a seat when there were others who had been active in my schooling that should attend?


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Were you surprised at what happened after? Was the exclusion intended to end all relations?

Quoting momof2ex1:

I had the graduation ticket problem. My wishes were respected however, I never lived it down and was not welcome in their home any more.




Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:37 AM

If he was absent, than I can understand your point of view but I think your parent's view was important as well, your mother's that is. The interesting thing about family situations is that only the people in them really know what is really happening.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Yes they did. And it was the first time I had seen or spoken to my BD or SM in over 5 years.

I still feel it was the wrong decision. I'd have rather had friends or other family members attend my graduation ceremony than my BD.

My BD was never a part of my life, so why should he be allowed to celebrate something like that in my life simply because I have half of his DNA?

He wasn't invited to my wedding, but that was MY decision completely.

We've never had the best of relationships. In fact, he didn't even tell his family he HAD a kid. His mom found out because she worked at the school and saw my birth certificate when my mom registered me for Kindergarten when I was 5. We lived in the same small town for the first 9 years of my life and I saw him maybe 3 times in all of those years. Even once my family moved, I only saw him about 3 times between 9 and 12, and then I didn't see him again until I was 17 and graduating high school. 


Quoting leegirl_jm:

Did both your SM and BD show up (I wasn't sure from your post)?

I think your mother made the right decision, you were still young and so I think this was a decision best made by a parent as sometimes they are able to see further into the situation and not just the here and now.

For my wedding my mother forced me to include her brother (my uncle) who I had a 10 year issue with and on my wedding day, I was happy she was her demanding self because he and I chatted and really I was so happy on my wedding day that I didn't have the space to hold any grudges, my uncle is still an a--hole but he is my uncle and he would be there if I ever needed him. 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

In my graduation ticket experience, my wishes were NOT respected. My mom mailed two tickets to my BD and SM against my wishes. It seemed kinda pointless to me to have someone there who had nothing at all to do with my life. But, my mom felt it was the right thing to do.

I wouldn't have minded my SM coming if she had left my BD at home.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I had the graduation ticket problem. My wishes were respected however, I never lived it down and was not welcome in their home any more.







Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Erica705
by on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:40 AM
As a SM, I would respect the child's wish. So far this hasn't been an issue but if it is, I'll go with what the kids want. These situation are about the child. Let them have it the way they want. Sure my feelings will be hurt but I'd rather get my feelings than stress my SK out about something that's going to make me feel bad anyway.
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

Stepchildren are special, they are not like normal children, different rules apply.

Quoting jlg12678:

Do intact families allow kids to decide that someone in their extended family shouldn't be invited to an event? Or is it considered rude to exclude the grandma you don't like or an uncle who annoys you?



Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:51 AM

I'm not sure if I missed that one or not.

There are very few things I would exclude my skids from and being honest, most of it would have to do with bm not allowing them to be included or working within whatever schedule I was given (say something was happening on bm's weekend and she refused to allow them to attend....not much we can do about that). Otherwise my dh and I have an "all or nothing" mentality for most things...treating all the same means no restentment most of the time.  

I think if you do choose to exclude you better be prepared to deal with the consequences of that choice and own it regardless of if you are a child or an adult. That means not being surprised if the spouse of the person you excluded decides to back out of the event  or not financially contribute or being shocked your stepchild resents you and doesn't want to be around you because you intentially excluded them.

Quoting soonergirl980:

Well in this group including a recent post of mine many posters believe it's ok to exclude stepkids out of major life events of the parents.

Quoting jlg12678:

Do intact families allow kids to decide that someone in their extended family shouldn't be invited to an event? Or is it considered rude to exclude the grandma you don't like or an uncle who annoys you?

 



 

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:53 AM

Sarcasm or serious response?

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Stepchildren are special, they are not like normal children, different rules apply.

Quoting jlg12678:

Do intact families allow kids to decide that someone in their extended family shouldn't be invited to an event? Or is it considered rude to exclude the grandma you don't like or an uncle who annoys you?

 



 

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Nov. 27, 2013 at 11:54 AM
1 mom liked this

If SO and I were to marry, being the children are quite young now, so he would be, just as a matter or practicality since he would be the spouse of the CP, part of their daily lives for a very long time; I think my SO would be very hurt to be excluded from milestone life events.  I would certainly understand and empathize with that hurt; I would also be likely to question WHY the child would want to exclude him - as that would speak to me of a deeper trouble in their relationship.  (The kids and SO get along quite well.  Again, though, they are small yet, and I am certain that come the angsty tween and teen years neither of us will be on their Top 10 Favorite People list.)  

I think this issue depends on the level of interaction the SP has - married to CP versus NCP; the age of the children when the SP "came on the scene" (were they young and "IN" the child's life a long time?) - and the quality of the SP/stepchild relationship.  Obviously if the SP and the child have historically butted heads and been at odds, it is unlikely the child would feel inclined to celebrate anything with him or her.  I also think that the age of the child needs to be taken into account - if we are talking a moody, mercurial teen - I think the WHY of kid saying NO to the SP needs be investigated a bit to ensure that tween/teen is not just being a dick.  (Let's face it, some teens can be dicks, "You did not let me go to that party.  F you, I do not want your wife/husband at X, Y, Z....").

And I do think that an older child's opinions do need to be heard, IF there is a valid reason - SP is new to their life, or the relationship pretty well sucks and has historically sucked - side with the kids.  If not - maybe attempt to compromise somehow.  

ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Nov. 27, 2013 at 12:26 PM

Well... I would think that the adults in the situation would need to put personal feelings towards each other aside for the child. That way the child doesnt feel tension at the party and is not forced to make an uncomfortable decision to not include members of their family.

I cant really say how I feel about graduation... My Mom, Dad, SM, Moms BF, my brother, one of my stepbrothers, both of my mommoms, my poppop, and two of my aunts attended mine. But i was fortunate and it was held outdoors that year. Had it been indoors and I was only able to recieve 6 tickets (i believe thats what we would have gotten) I probably would have chosen my Dad, SM, Mom, Mommom, Popppop, and my other Mommom. - My Moms bf BARELY comes to anything...not even for his own kid... so he wouldnt have been upset about not coming and I would have probably been doing him a favor by not having enough tickets.

All in all, i think it would be "tough luck" for me. I think we are forced to interact with people we dont always want to interact with on a daily basis...but we do it because it's family or friends, or work or whatever. I attended my cousin's wedding last month. I HATE his fiance. But I sucked it up and attended because it was for my cousin. I dont always want to invite her to my house because I cannot stand her... but i do...because she's my cousin's wife. I dont like ALL of my friends SO's but I deal with it because of my friend. We dont like every person we work with...we deal because we need to make money. I think the same thing applies here. You may not like your SM or SD very much....and unless theyve done something TRULY terrible to you...then I think you need to suck it up and deal with it for the sake of your parent. I have always had a very rocky relationship with my SM. I usually hope she doesnt show up at my house when my dad comes for parties... she always does. And I deal with it...for my Dad.

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