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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Excited to meet you all!!!

Posted by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 10:33 AM
  • 6 Replies

Hello everyone,

My name is Stacey. I am a mother of 1 beautiful 9yr old girl and a stepmom to 1 awesome 9yr boy. Id like to start by saying I was wrong when I said that being a mom is the hardest job ever. If I knew then what I know now, I would have waited and said that being a stepparent is even harder!!!

A little background...I work outside the home as a full time Registered Nurse. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. My ex and I get along very well and share responsibility for our daughter. He is remarried as well and I couldnt have hand picked a better step mom for my daughter. We of course have a court ordered vistation schedule but dont follow it since we make the decisions based on whats best for Nataie. We are even planning on both families going to Disney World next summer!

As for my husbands ex...Completely different story. When we were dating, she and I got along well. She even wanted my daughter and her daughter (different dad) to take dance lessons together. Once my husband proposed everything changed. She no longer let her daughter come over with my stepson on visits (My husband raised her from 4months old to 6yrs old). We won many court battles for visitation rights for Hailey based on significant bond....Didnt matter much because Hailie would scream and cry when she was dropped off here (who knows what her mom was feeding her head with). We decided to no longer force Hailie to come here since it put so much stress on her. She no longer calls my husbad dad :-(

To date we have spent several thousands of dollars fighting her in court for everything from her requesting more child support (she quit work to go to school...must be nice I worked full time and went to school) to her fighting for full custody (she of course lost!) It seems we end up in court at least once a year for some stupid issue she has...Why does the court allow this!!!!?

My relationship with my stepson is good. It used to be great when he was younger. Now it seems as if he has developed the "your not my mom" attitude. (Im sure she has helped him with that). My relationship with my husband is great yet strained when it comes to his ex. We fight constantly since I feel he gives in to her too much. Every time she asks for a schedule change he complies yet if we would like a change she NEVER agrees!!! I look at my husband as weak when that happens and I HATE THAT!!! I hate seeing him as her doormat.

Anyway, Thanks for reading. I am glad to have found this site and hope I find the support and understanding I so desperately need.

Sincerely,

Stacey

 

by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 10:33 AM
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Replies (1-6):
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2013 at 2:38 PM
Welcome. I hope you will get answers and find support. I hope you will consider not viewing your husband as weak. Try thinking of him as trying to co parent with his x and being flexible.
Those are good qualities.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 1, 2013 at 2:42 PM
1 mom liked this
Welcome! Two 9 yr olds. That's almost like having twins!

I think that being a mom or a stepmom or an employee or a whatever is as hard as we let it be. It sounds like being a stepmom is not as hard for you but being married to a man with an ex is what makes your life difficult. I would stop letting his ex be the reason that you fight. She has no place in your marriage unless you allow her in. Stop fighting with him. Let him deal with her. Just be his support. Let him make the decisions he feels is best regarding her. After all he knows her best. Good luck!
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 1, 2013 at 2:46 PM
1 mom liked this
Sometimes I feel like a doormat with my ex husband BUT to me it's just easier than to fight. I know he won't allow schedule changes for me so I don't ever ask. This took me about 5 years to accept and just learn to plan my life around the answer will be NO. When he asks for a schedule change - so long as I've not paid for something for that day, I allow the change because I just don't want the battle. There is also this small part of me that hopes one day I will have been so flexible that he will take my lead and start being flexible. Who knows?? I am not weak and I am not really a doormat - what I am is peaceful and content. When dealing with a high conflict person - for ME - it's just easier to weigh whether it's that big of a deal to allow flexibility or to fight it. And more times than not it's easier for me to be flexible than to fight.
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malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2013 at 2:49 PM
Yes and yes. I so feel this.


Quoting momof2ex1:

Sometimes I feel like a doormat with my ex husband BUT to me it's just easier than to fight. I know he won't allow schedule changes for me so I don't ever ask. This took me about 5 years to accept and just learn to plan my life around the answer will be NO. When he asks for a schedule change - so long as I've not paid for something for that day, I allow the change because I just don't want the battle. There is also this small part of me that hopes one day I will have been so flexible that he will take my lead and start being flexible. Who knows?? I am not weak and I am not really a doormat - what I am is peaceful and content. When dealing with a high conflict person - for ME - it's just easier to weigh whether it's that big of a deal to allow flexibility or to fight it. And more times than not it's easier for me to be flexible than to fight.

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 1, 2013 at 2:54 PM
1 mom liked this
I also have a SD who is six months younger than my 9 yr old DS.
RNmommy04
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 10:09 AM

Reading your post was like listening to my husband explain why he makes the decisions he does. Its nice to hear from someone who is experiencing the same things he is.  I now have a better understanding and respect for what he is going thru. When you said you allow changes just to prevent a fight....My husband says the exact same thing! I guess its hard for me to put myself in his shoes since my ex and I are very flexible and put Natalie first. Thank you so much for your reply. 

Quoting momof2ex1:

Sometimes I feel like a doormat with my ex husband BUT to me it's just easier than to fight. I know he won't allow schedule changes for me so I don't ever ask. This took me about 5 years to accept and just learn to plan my life around the answer will be NO. When he asks for a schedule change - so long as I've not paid for something for that day, I allow the change because I just don't want the battle. There is also this small part of me that hopes one day I will have been so flexible that he will take my lead and start being flexible. Who knows?? I am not weak and I am not really a doormat - what I am is peaceful and content. When dealing with a high conflict person - for ME - it's just easier to weigh whether it's that big of a deal to allow flexibility or to fight it. And more times than not it's easier for me to be flexible than to fight.


 

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