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Would I be the only one to say that I almost dread being a SM around the Holidays. The only reason I say almost is because I know their attitudes can change from lovable to hateful pending on the day. Now before it gets heated, I'm only saying this cause the Skids are actually in the stages of young teen years, and I realize that it could be them just being teens. But my caring and love does not change being a SM to them. When I married DH I made a vow to them as well, at the alter, that I would love their dad unconditionally and I vowed to guide them, love, and care for them. I still hold to that, but I will not say it has been easy to be the one that gets taken for granted and I work my butt off to get them Christmas Presents and gifts for the holidays. I came in when ethics and morals should have been already established but I am thinking it was by passed. Then I give myself a good cry and just deal with it..But it does anger me cause I wont get so much as a Thank You or anything. Whether it be their Father or Me they will not show gratitude for anything hardly. If I get a Thank You I stop in my tracks and just want to cry cause it never happens hardly ever. Yes, DH has admitted he has failed in that area and he also says BM has too. Not sure this is a venting rant or if I want to hear I am not the only one. As a SM I do all I can to think and do the " It's never too late" method and so does DH. I also realize I will get some moms to say let your DH handle them. Some, maybe most areas I let that ring true. What is your take on this? Please I am not looking for confrontation I just would like to hear points of views or even stories, or even advice if you have to make things better

by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 10:42 PM
Replies (11-20):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 8:19 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't think it's reasonable to make a vow to individuals who are not old enough to make the vow back.  I think you should release yourself from that vow, and let your relationship develop naturally.

They don't show gratitude because you took it upon yourself to establish this relationship and they had no part in choosing it. You set yourself up to be in this situation.

Maybe you could start all over, with no artificial "vow", and just get to know them as people, and see if you grow to love each other in a more natural way.

Tigress22304
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by Platinum Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 8:35 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly it's a teen thing I think. My skids are 12 and 7-the older one sometimes has issues saying thank you-but does when prompted.

I know I was raised to have manners-and if I didn't say thank you-my parents got on me about it.

Just hang in there, hopefully hubby will get through to them.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Dec. 2, 2013 at 9:07 AM
1 mom liked this



Quoting malinda74:

I was thinking the same. When I was a child I honestly didn't give this much thought. We saw it as ; woo hoo, two Christmas's. Score.


We're opposite in this house  My kids used to want to split the day (like we did for the first two years) of each holiday.  Dad's parents got involved and after that it was his year, my year (we lived and live five minutes apart and even phone calls weren't always allowed on that end).  One year he told me he had no tree or decorations, so I offered to go half on the tree and gave him some of our ornaments - no go.  And the Christmas that my (now 10) year old was six my ex dropped them off very late, said he couldn't help that SMs family party was so late (we have a court order and he wasn't answering his phone), and right before the kids came in the house she told him that Santa wasn't real - on Christmas eve,  He was upset.  Words were had.
Before all of that we'd spend time decorating and baking and all that jazz and the magic was there.  After a while of having to miss out on half the holidays with both parents my kids have very little interest in any holiday.  I just had to beg them yesterday to help decorate the tree.  They turned off the holiday music.  They were more interested in getting done as fast as possible because they had so little interest in it.  Same as me... I lost out of half the holidays for a few years - it's hard to get the festive feeling back for me, especially when I see they aren't all that interested anymore.
momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 9:19 AM
1 mom liked this

I think that it is never too late to teach gratitude.  The best way to do this is Random Acts of Kindness with the kids.  Or work in the local soup kitchen for the homeless.  Get them doing some communtiy service.  Gratitude isn't something they just learn on their own.  It has to be experienced.  

Now as a COD I had holidays that stressed me out.  My dad would pick me up late.. then drop us off at a relatives house.  It was rare that he had actual presents for us.  One time he left us in the car while he went and bought something at Macy's.  I was pretty young and it was freezing and it freaked me out. 

But my son loves that he has two families.  He gets a ton of presents. LOL And yes he comes home and tells me what he got at his dad's.  It doesn't bother me at all.  He isn't doing it to say my dad got me better.  He is doing it because it was something important that he wanted to share.  When he was really little he didn't like going to his dad's house.  So when he got home I asked him what he did that was fun.  And he would tell me.  Then the next time it was time to go I would say but remember all the fun things you get to do with Daddy and list them for him.  He still tells me about his time at his dad's.  Not everything of course which is totally fine. But I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to do so.

mistyann00
by Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Parents been divorced for 5yrs custody changed 2 yrs ago. Nothing has really changed recently at our homestead. Not sure what has changed at the BMs homestead.

I don't think the Holidays suck for all divorced families. They are outspoken Skids, they have said a time or two that they hate the Holidays due to their being broken. They carry it with them. Not sure as to why, but we have gotten them into counselors which did not work. The counselor just tells us they are dealing with it their own way.

We try to make things joyous around the house during Holidays and it never seems to work but we keep plugging away at it without pressing it on them. Like recently yesterday, they came home from BMs and they seen the decorations up the youngest said she liked and the oldest just rolled his eyes and went to his room, then basically the youngest seen that and followed. It hurt DHs feelings but he just let it go. IDK.

Quoting momof2ex1: How long have their parents been divorced? Has custody changed recently? Anything going on specifically that could lead to them feeling down during the holidays?

I don't think holidays suck for kids who have parents that are divorced. We also don't see it as a broken family. We see it as two families. I've never noticed that my daughter is down or has a hard time because her father and I are divorced. She gets equal time with us during holidays and I think she's pretty happy.


Quoting mistyann00:

My take is Holidays suck for them cause their family is broken and don't like Holidays due to that..??


mistyann00
by Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 11:06 AM

I see what your saying. I made the vow full well knowing I may not get the same back. I wanted them to know that I was there to guide, care, and love them  as well as their Father. I don't they took it as anything more. They have been around me for 5yrs now and we have a pretty decent relationship. They open up to me and let me into their lives. They just kinda push off the Holidays is all.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't think it's reasonable to make a vow to individuals who are not old enough to make the vow back.  I think you should release yourself from that vow, and let your relationship develop naturally.

They don't show gratitude because you took it upon yourself to establish this relationship and they had no part in choosing it. You set yourself up to be in this situation.

Maybe you could start all over, with no artificial "vow", and just get to know them as people, and see if you grow to love each other in a more natural way.


sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Dec. 2, 2013 at 11:37 AM
1 mom liked this

When I saw "Holiday DREADS", I immediately thought that someone's step kid came home with dreadlocks and Christmas ornaments hanging off the ends.

That aside, I have really never liked the Christmas holiday.  I can totally get behind Thanksgiving because I love to cook and, HELLO EATING!!!!!

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 11:44 AM
That stinks...I can't believe SM thought it was her place to tell your child there's no Santa! I would have had words too. I was fortunate that my parents were amiable. Mom took every Christmas eve and dad took Christmas day. I think it also helped that dad and SM had no child together. It cut the jealousy factor for me as a child. SM was always low key with us.

Quoting packermom4ever:




Quoting malinda74:

I was thinking the same. When I was a child I honestly didn't give this much thought. We saw it as ; woo hoo, two Christmas's. Score.





We're opposite in this house  My kids used to want to split the day (like we did for the first two years) of each holiday.  Dad's parents got involved and after that it was his year, my year (we lived and live five minutes apart and even phone calls weren't always allowed on that end).  One year he told me he had no tree or decorations, so I offered to go half on the tree and gave him some of our ornaments - no go.  And the Christmas that my (now 10) year old was six my ex dropped them off very late, said he couldn't help that SMs family party was so late (we have a court order and he wasn't answering his phone), and right before the kids came in the house she told him that Santa wasn't real - on Christmas eve,  He was upset.  Words were had.
Before all of that we'd spend time decorating and baking and all that jazz and the magic was there.  After a while of having to miss out on half the holidays with both parents my kids have very little interest in any holiday.  I just had to beg them yesterday to help decorate the tree.  They turned off the holiday music.  They were more interested in getting done as fast as possible because they had so little interest in it.  Same as me... I lost out of half the holidays for a few years - it's hard to get the festive feeling back for me, especially when I see they aren't all that interested anymore.
mistyann00
by Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 11:56 AM

Sorry to hear of this, I have heard them same the WooHoos we get more Christmas's, but that was at the beginning. Thanks for pointing that out packermom4ever and malinda74, now that its been pointed out it kinda does make me feel better that this may just be a teen thing/stage they maybe possibly be going through. They actually get 4 Christmas's, We won't see them but one day cause we have the order laid out as she gets all Christmas Break and Easter Break this year and next year the roles will change. We switch on and off even and odd years. Wierd schedule but it works. It will be hard to only see them one day. But they will get a Christmas with their mom, her bfs family, and her family, then us and we will bring the presents from DH family to our house since they wont get to be there. So they will be getting their fill, LOL. I think now going to all of them is a chore haha! You did however give me an idea, maybe on their day at our house we can try and bake things all day.. ; ) Lets hope that will get them in the mood.

Quoting packermom4ever:



Quoting malinda74:

I was thinking the same. When I was a child I honestly didn't give this much thought. We saw it as ; woo hoo, two Christmas's. Score.


We're opposite in this house  My kids used to want to split the day (like we did for the first two years) of each holiday.  Dad's parents got involved and after that it was his year, my year (we lived and live five minutes apart and even phone calls weren't always allowed on that end).  One year he told me he had no tree or decorations, so I offered to go half on the tree and gave him some of our ornaments - no go.  And the Christmas that my (now 10) year old was six my ex dropped them off very late, said he couldn't help that SMs family party was so late (we have a court order and he wasn't answering his phone), and right before the kids came in the house she told him that Santa wasn't real - on Christmas eve,  He was upset.  Words were had.
Before all of that we'd spend time decorating and baking and all that jazz and the magic was there.  After a while of having to miss out on half the holidays with both parents my kids have very little interest in any holiday.  I just had to beg them yesterday to help decorate the tree.  They turned off the holiday music.  They were more interested in getting done as fast as possible because they had so little interest in it.  Same as me... I lost out of half the holidays for a few years - it's hard to get the festive feeling back for me, especially when I see they aren't all that interested anymore.


3boys479
by Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 12:04 PM
1 mom liked this

My advice is to manage your expectations. If you expect them to thank you and they dont, you are disappointed. If you ask your husband to have a conversation with them and he doesnt nor does he discipline them for not being kind and respectful, you are disappointed. It hurts, been there, had therapy over it, etc. You would think my Skids are mutes...YOU cant change them, your husband cant change them and because of guilt, will likely not stop giving them the things they want or take them away when they dont show gratitude. So, it is then, up to you to change...to manage your expectations and guard your heart. If you have children of your own, focus on teaching them to be respectful, you are fully in the parenting role for those children. Good luck!

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