Holiday DREADS!!

Would I be the only one to say that I almost dread being a SM around the Holidays. The only reason I say almost is because I know their attitudes can change from lovable to hateful pending on the day. Now before it gets heated, I'm only saying this cause the Skids are actually in the stages of young teen years, and I realize that it could be them just being teens. But my caring and love does not change being a SM to them. When I married DH I made a vow to them as well, at the alter, that I would love their dad unconditionally and I vowed to guide them, love, and care for them. I still hold to that, but I will not say it has been easy to be the one that gets taken for granted and I work my butt off to get them Christmas Presents and gifts for the holidays. I came in when ethics and morals should have been already established but I am thinking it was by passed. Then I give myself a good cry and just deal with it..But it does anger me cause I wont get so much as a Thank You or anything. Whether it be their Father or Me they will not show gratitude for anything hardly. If I get a Thank You I stop in my tracks and just want to cry cause it never happens hardly ever. Yes, DH has admitted he has failed in that area and he also says BM has too. Not sure this is a venting rant or if I want to hear I am not the only one. As a SM I do all I can to think and do the " It's never too late" method and so does DH. I also realize I will get some moms to say let your DH handle them. Some, maybe most areas I let that ring true. What is your take on this? Please I am not looking for confrontation I just would like to hear points of views or even stories, or even advice if you have to make things better

[momof2cuteboys]

Wowzers!

Quoting mistyann00:

Thats Awesome, They talk freely at our homestead about BM and it doesn't bother us, cause we want them to feel comfortable enough to do so, I know they are not able to talk freely at BMs homestead about us, which I think would help if they were able to. They are afraid if they do it will make BM mad so they don't talk about us. I was told this one day out of nowhere. I do think it makes transitions easier on the skids. The whole Random Acts of Kindness, the oldest I know would not go for it he so much as wanted to write a paper of how stupid it was to volunteer in your community. He thinks its a waste of time, and his time can be used better by going to work or playing Xbox and etc..The youngest however would probably go for it.

Quoting momof2cuteboys:

I think that it is never too late to teach gratitude.  The best way to do this is Random Acts of Kindness with the kids.  Or work in the local soup kitchen for the homeless.  Get them doing some communtiy service.  Gratitude isn't something they just learn on their own.  It has to be experienced.  

Now as a COD I had holidays that stressed me out.  My dad would pick me up late.. then drop us off at a relatives house.  It was rare that he had actual presents for us.  One time he left us in the car while he went and bought something at Macy's.  I was pretty young and it was freezing and it freaked me out. 

But my son loves that he has two families.  He gets a ton of presents. LOL And yes he comes home and tells me what he got at his dad's.  It doesn't bother me at all.  He isn't doing it to say my dad got me better.  He is doing it because it was something important that he wanted to share.  When he was really little he didn't like going to his dad's house.  So when he got home I asked him what he did that was fun.  And he would tell me.  Then the next time it was time to go I would say but remember all the fun things you get to do with Daddy and list them for him.  He still tells me about his time at his dad's.  Not everything of course which is totally fine. But I'm glad he feels comfortable enough to do so.

[ldee78]

I have the same issue here. Just do what feels right for your situation and walk away knowing you did what you did and it made you feel good.

[kids4ever]

I feel your pain almost to an exact.  For Thanksgiving I prepared a feast.  I was working so hard .  I didn't even get a hello from 4 of his children. 6 were there. But, two are only 10, the otheres are grown with own children.   Nor did they  say hi they didn't say good bye to me either.  Or  even a Thank you for the dinner.  It bothers me so much inside.  My husband said the prayer and thanked everyone pretty much except me.  Now, I guess I know where they get it from.  They take me for granted. It;s very hard for me not to take it out on my husband.  If I say anything ever, he protects them and I'm the crazy one. I will never cook for his side ever again.  Out of 25 people.  Maybe 3 said Thank you.

[mistyann00]

Tonight we decorated the tree and we asked the oldest of he wanted to help and he ignored us, and all I could think of is you want presents but you don't want to help with the tree.. it made me angry.. I don't know whether to just stop asking or keep trying and hoping the answer will be yes at some point, but I feel I may get too pissed.

Quoting kids4ever:

I feel your pain almost to an exact.  For Thanksgiving I prepared a feast.  I was working so hard .  I didn't even get a hello from 4 of his children. 6 were there. But, two are only 10, the otheres are grown with own children.   Nor did they  say hi they didn't say good bye to me either.  Or  even a Thank you for the dinner.  It bothers me so much inside.  My husband said the prayer and thanked everyone pretty much except me.  Now, I guess I know where they get it from.  They take me for granted. It;s very hard for me not to take it out on my husband.  If I say anything ever, he protects them and I'm the crazy one. I will never cook for his side ever again.  Out of 25 people.  Maybe 3 said Thank you.

[mistyann00]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I would just stop too and see how they react then. ;)

Quoting mistyann00: Tonight we decorated the tree and we asked the oldest of he wanted to help and he ignored us, and all I could think of is you want presents but you don't want to help with the tree.. it made me angry.. I don't know whether to just stop asking or keep trying and hoping the answer will be yes at some point, but I feel I may get too pissed.

Quoting kids4ever:

I feel your pain almost to an exact.  For Thanksgiving I prepared a feast.  I was working so hard .  I didn't even get a hello from 4 of his children. 6 were there. But, two are only 10, the otheres are grown with own children.   Nor did they  say hi they didn't say good bye to me either.  Or  even a Thank you for the dinner.  It bothers me so much inside.  My husband said the prayer and thanked everyone pretty much except me.  Now, I guess I know where they get it from.  They take me for granted. It;s very hard for me not to take it out on my husband.  If I say anything ever, he protects them and I'm the crazy one. I will never cook for his side ever again.  Out of 25 people.  Maybe 3 said Thank you.

[ARClay]

Honestly I would stop buying them stuff if they are ungrateful. I wouldn't spend my own money and DH could do what he wanted. But that's just me. All I can say is lead by example. Say thank you for everything they do that you appreciate and maybe they will learn that it's the respectful and acceptable thing to do. Kids learn by example.

[ARClay]

I don't think I would give too much thought into this. If they don't see BM much then the stuff she gets them might seem to have more significance to them than something from you and your DH, because something from you guys is expected. My SD is the same way with stuff that comes from her BM. It might be the same if the roles were reversed and your DH was the NCP. They would probably hang on a little tighter to something he gave them. It most likely has nothing to do with you or DH as a person. It's likely just their way of having their mom close to them. That's just my opinion. If they do act like BM presents are great, just wholeheartedly agree with them. "Yeah, that ----- your mom got you is awesome! I wish I had one of those when I was your age!"

Quoting mistyann00: I would like to shed some light on another aspect of the Holidays and see what everyone's take on that as well is.
It's seems more around the Holidays the skids enjoy more of what their mom gets them rather then what their dad and I get them. Maybe it could be perceived the same way when they are at their moms. Do you think they understand down playing at that age? Ex: if they go to moms and are like dad got us this and that.. etc to make their mom feel bad and vice versa towards their dad? Or do they really feel one is better than the other? I know when they are with us, and they are with us all the time practically due to circumstances, DH has primary custody, that they don't act like they care to even get presents from us or even be around us. Just our perception.

[ARClay]

That's so sad..

Quoting packermom4ever:

Quoting malinda74:I was thinking the same. When I was a child I honestly didn't give this much thought. We saw it as ; woo hoo, two Christmas's. Score.

We're opposite in this house  My kids used to want to split the day (like we did for the first two years) of each holiday.  Dad's parents got involved and after that it was his year, my year (we lived and live five minutes apart and even phone calls weren't always allowed on that end).  One year he told me he had no tree or decorations, so I offered to go half on the tree and gave him some of our ornaments - no go.  And the Christmas that my (now 10) year old was six my ex dropped them off very late, said he couldn't help that SMs family party was so late (we have a court order and he wasn't answering his phone), and right before the kids came in the house she told him that Santa wasn't real - on Christmas eve,  He was upset.  Words were had.

Before all of that we'd spend time decorating and baking and all that jazz and the magic was there.  After a while of having to miss out on half the holidays with both parents my kids have very little interest in any holiday.  I just had to beg them yesterday to help decorate the tree.  They turned off the holiday music.  They were more interested in getting done as fast as possible because they had so little interest in it.  Same as me... I lost out of half the holidays for a few years - it's hard to get the festive feeling back for me, especially when I see they aren't all that interested anymore.

[ARClay]

I also immediately thought of dreadlocks. Haha.

Quoting sandeeyo:

When I saw "Holiday DREADS", I immediately thought that someone's step kid came home with dreadlocks and Christmas ornaments hanging off the ends.

That aside, I have really never liked the Christmas holiday.  I can totally get behind Thanksgiving because I love to cook and, HELLO EATING!!!!!

[ARClay]

I would certainly take it out on my husband for how HE behaved, if he ever acted like that. But fortunately my husband is not ungrateful for what I do. Sorry girl. Your husband is an ass.

Quoting kids4ever:

I feel your pain almost to an exact.  For Thanksgiving I prepared a feast.  I was working so hard .  I didn't even get a hello from 4 of his children. 6 were there. But, two are only 10, the otheres are grown with own children.   Nor did they  say hi they didn't say good bye to me either.  Or  even a Thank you for the dinner.  It bothers me so much inside.  My husband said the prayer and thanked everyone pretty much except me.  Now, I guess I know where they get it from.  They take me for granted. It;s very hard for me not to take it out on my husband.  If I say anything ever, he protects them and I'm the crazy one. I will never cook for his side ever again.  Out of 25 people.  Maybe 3 said Thank you.