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Would I be the only one to say that I almost dread being a SM around the Holidays. The only reason I say almost is because I know their attitudes can change from lovable to hateful pending on the day. Now before it gets heated, I'm only saying this cause the Skids are actually in the stages of young teen years, and I realize that it could be them just being teens. But my caring and love does not change being a SM to them. When I married DH I made a vow to them as well, at the alter, that I would love their dad unconditionally and I vowed to guide them, love, and care for them. I still hold to that, but I will not say it has been easy to be the one that gets taken for granted and I work my butt off to get them Christmas Presents and gifts for the holidays. I came in when ethics and morals should have been already established but I am thinking it was by passed. Then I give myself a good cry and just deal with it..But it does anger me cause I wont get so much as a Thank You or anything. Whether it be their Father or Me they will not show gratitude for anything hardly. If I get a Thank You I stop in my tracks and just want to cry cause it never happens hardly ever. Yes, DH has admitted he has failed in that area and he also says BM has too. Not sure this is a venting rant or if I want to hear I am not the only one. As a SM I do all I can to think and do the " It's never too late" method and so does DH. I also realize I will get some moms to say let your DH handle them. Some, maybe most areas I let that ring true. What is your take on this? Please I am not looking for confrontation I just would like to hear points of views or even stories, or even advice if you have to make things better

by on Dec. 1, 2013 at 10:42 PM
Replies (41-50):
Humility1
by Bronze Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 11:48 PM
1 mom liked this
I know how you feel I dread the holidays also, last year I did and this yr I'm gonna do it different. Like you I work my but off to support my stepson and he rarely says pls or thank you I have to remind him. I've reminded my husband to teach him these basic manners and stepson still does not appreciate things. So, I've been holding my own traditions at our house because when I go to my husbands side I really feel like an outsider, only because I don't get along with my stepson's grandmother on bm's side. This yr will be different, I will not attend because I refuse to be treated like an outsider I will just do the three of us at our home for Christmas and I invite a single friend over just so I can have a positive distraction and this has been helpful, hope things work out take care and God bless:)
mistyann00
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 11:50 AM

Thanks for your advice, His dad and I make it a point to say thank you and excuse me and please all the time in front of them, the littlest has caught on somewhat but the oldest doesn't feel that he should have to say it, and that since we all do it he then finds it as a challenge of making it a point of making sure we know he doesn't have  to say it and will not say it. I have had a few instances where he has showed that. All I could do is ignore him and shake my head. His dad has gotten on him a few times for displaying such behavior and his son just stands there like whatever.

Quoting ARClay: Honestly I would stop buying them stuff if they are ungrateful. I wouldn't spend my own money and DH could do what he wanted. But that's just me. All I can say is lead by example. Say thank you for everything they do that you appreciate and maybe they will learn that it's the respectful and acceptable thing to do. Kids learn by example.


mistyann00
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 11:54 AM

yeah, we do say things like thats awesome, I am glad you like that, outwardly I say these things for their sake, even though inside it eats at me cause I really don't understand the nature of the behavior but I feel by the more I say those things to them it helps me not try to put much emphasis on it. IDK..I am learning as I go with all these behaviors and etc.. lol Thanks ; )

Quoting ARClay: I don't think I would give too much thought into this. If they don't see BM much then the stuff she gets them might seem to have more significance to them than something from you and your DH, because something from you guys is expected. My SD is the same way with stuff that comes from her BM. It might be the same if the roles were reversed and your DH was the NCP. They would probably hang on a little tighter to something he gave them. It most likely has nothing to do with you or DH as a person. It's likely just their way of having their mom close to them. That's just my opinion. If they do act like BM presents are great, just wholeheartedly agree with them. "Yeah, that ----- your mom got you is awesome! I wish I had one of those when I was your age!"

Quoting mistyann00: I would like to shed some light on another aspect of the Holidays and see what everyone's take on that as well is.
It's seems more around the Holidays the skids enjoy more of what their mom gets them rather then what their dad and I get them. Maybe it could be perceived the same way when they are at their moms. Do you think they understand down playing at that age? Ex: if they go to moms and are like dad got us this and that.. etc to make their mom feel bad and vice versa towards their dad? Or do they really feel one is better than the other? I know when they are with us, and they are with us all the time practically due to circumstances, DH has primary custody, that they don't act like they care to even get presents from us or even be around us. Just our perception.


mistyann00
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 12:01 PM

OH WOW, sorry to hear that..I dont go to any functions having to do with BMs family. They hold their own and the kiddos go to them. If we have them they will come to our side family Christmas's and then head to their moms on those days. I have expressed this early on in the convo. but their mom will have them this whole break just as we did last year and I will only get to see them 2 times out of almost 3 wks for Christmas vacation. It will be different but like every Holiday I am betting we get a text asking for us to take them cause she cant handle it as she has emailed many times before. So I hope I get to see them more than the one time. ; ) I hope you have a Happy Holiday! And I think the whole holding your own tradition is AWESOME!

Quoting Humility1: I know how you feel I dread the holidays also, last year I did and this yr I'm gonna do it different. Like you I work my but off to support my stepson and he rarely says pls or thank you I have to remind him. I've reminded my husband to teach him these basic manners and stepson still does not appreciate things. So, I've been holding my own traditions at our house because when I go to my husbands side I really feel like an outsider, only because I don't get along with my stepson's grandmother on bm's side. This yr will be different, I will not attend because I refuse to be treated like an outsider I will just do the three of us at our home for Christmas and I invite a single friend over just so I can have a positive distraction and this has been helpful, hope things work out take care and God bless:)


baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 12:04 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting mistyann00: My take is Holidays suck for them cause their family is broken and don't like Holidays due to that..??

Would you be OK if you knew for a fact it was probably just that? Mixed in with being young people who just don't know what to do in funky situations?

Understanding behavior is not excusing it, but sometimes knowing the explanation can help you deal with it better.

mistyann00
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 12:12 PM

If you ask would I be ok If that was the explanation for the behavior" Absolutely Not". It hurts me to see them not get into things like a Holiday and everyone else is Happy. I don't get angry with them necessarily for it either. I get angry at the disrespect they show towards us when we are trying to uplift their spirits. I always have in the back of my head that it rings true when one persons negativity can bring down the spirits of anything, and in this case I have 2. And it has, its hard to be cheerful when they are not. But I plan on trying harder at being cheerful regardless to what tudes they throw our way this year cause I hate being BLAH about the holidays. So this year in my own head I will be blaming it on their age..lol Now I feel better with that explanation. ; )

Quoting baparrot2:


Quoting mistyann00: My take is Holidays suck for them cause their family is broken and don't like Holidays due to that..??

Would you be OK if you knew for a fact it was probably just that? Mixed in with being young people who just don't know what to do in funky situations?

Understanding behavior is not excusing it, but sometimes knowing the explanation can help you deal with it better.


baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 12:34 PM
1 mom liked this

You will undoubtedly have the same outcome you have had before. If you really want this to change, you have to change YOU and your head is not there yet.

Quoting mistyann00:

If you ask would I be ok If that was the explanation for the behavior" Absolutely Not". It hurts me to see them not get into things like a Holiday and everyone else is Happy. I don't get angry with them necessarily for it either. I get angry at the disrespect they show towards us when we are trying to uplift their spirits. I always have in the back of my head that it rings true when one persons negativity can bring down the spirits of anything, and in this case I have 2. And it has, its hard to be cheerful when they are not. But I plan on trying harder at being cheerful regardless to what tudes they throw our way this year cause I hate being BLAH about the holidays. So this year in my own head I will be blaming it on their age..lol Now I feel better with that explanation. ; )

Quoting baparrot2:


Quoting mistyann00: My take is Holidays suck for them cause their family is broken and don't like Holidays due to that..??

Would you be OK if you knew for a fact it was probably just that? Mixed in with being young people who just don't know what to do in funky situations?

Understanding behavior is not excusing it, but sometimes knowing the explanation can help you deal with it better.



Mommy4000
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 12:46 PM
2 moms liked this

I think all kids can have a tendency to take for granted what their family does for them. Being any kind of parent is often a thankless position. My step daughter has always shown how appreciative she is of what I do for her, and how I care for her. She certainly has her ungrateful moments, and I will usually tell my husband, "your daughter's in full on teen mode again, and she's pissing me off" and he'll just say sorry and give me a hug. I get over it quick, my own kids piss me off too, but I know how much all of them appreciate me, even if they aren't saying thank you a million times a day.

I think, all you can do is continue to provide the same love and attention that you always have, regardless of how many thank you's it gets you, and one day, I bet that moment will come, where your step kids just blow your mind and you realize, that they were grateful, the whole time, for how much you cared for them.

ARClay
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 7:38 PM
1 mom liked this
I totally understand! And yes, the more you act like you are happy for them for whatever their BM does for them, the more you really will be happy... For their sake. I dealt with the same feelings regarding my SD's BM. But I just learned to appreciate, for my SD's sake, everything her BM does for her and gives her, even if it is very little. I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to feel threatened by what she does or gives. It'll only cause YOU pain and suffering. Good luck mama. You got some good advice on this thread. I hope it helps.

Quoting mistyann00:

yeah, we do say things like thats awesome, I am glad you like that, outwardly I say these things for their sake, even though inside it eats at me cause I really don't understand the nature of the behavior but I feel by the more I say those things to them it helps me not try to put much emphasis on it. IDK..I am learning as I go with all these behaviors and etc.. lol Thanks ; )

Quoting ARClay: I don't think I would give too much thought into this. If they don't see BM much then the stuff she gets them might seem to have more significance to them than something from you and your DH, because something from you guys is expected. My SD is the same way with stuff that comes from her BM. It might be the same if the roles were reversed and your DH was the NCP. They would probably hang on a little tighter to something he gave them. It most likely has nothing to do with you or DH as a person. It's likely just their way of having their mom close to them. That's just my opinion. If they do act like BM presents are great, just wholeheartedly agree with them. "Yeah, that ----- your mom got you is awesome! I wish I had one of those when I was your age!"

Quoting mistyann00: I would like to shed some light on another aspect of the Holidays and see what everyone's take on that as well is.
It's seems more around the Holidays the skids enjoy more of what their mom gets them rather then what their dad and I get them. Maybe it could be perceived the same way when they are at their moms. Do you think they understand down playing at that age? Ex: if they go to moms and are like dad got us this and that.. etc to make their mom feel bad and vice versa towards their dad? Or do they really feel one is better than the other? I know when they are with us, and they are with us all the time practically due to circumstances, DH has primary custody, that they don't act like they care to even get presents from us or even be around us. Just our perception.

Humility1
by Bronze Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 12:04 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you misty have a happy holiday:)

Quoting mistyann00:

OH WOW, sorry to hear that..I dont go to any functions having to do with BMs family. They hold their own and the kiddos go to them. If we have them they will come to our side family Christmas's and then head to their moms on those days. I have expressed this early on in the convo. but their mom will have them this whole break just as we did last year and I will only get to see them 2 times out of almost 3 wks for Christmas vacation. It will be different but like every Holiday I am betting we get a text asking for us to take them cause she cant handle it as she has emailed many times before. So I hope I get to see them more than the one time. ; ) I hope you have a Happy Holiday! And I think the whole holding your own tradition is AWESOME!

Quoting Humility1: I know how you feel I dread the holidays also, last year I did and this yr I'm gonna do it different. Like you I work my but off to support my stepson and he rarely says pls or thank you I have to remind him. I've reminded my husband to teach him these basic manners and stepson still does not appreciate things. So, I've been holding my own traditions at our house because when I go to my husbands side I really feel like an outsider, only because I don't get along with my stepson's grandmother on bm's side. This yr will be different, I will not attend because I refuse to be treated like an outsider I will just do the three of us at our home for Christmas and I invite a single friend over just so I can have a positive distraction and this has been helpful, hope things work out take care and God bless:)


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