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New stepmom

Posted by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:06 PM
  • 14 Replies
Does anyone have any advice about being new to step parenting? Things you should do and things you shouldnt?
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:10 PM

Can you narrow it down a little? What is the sitch?

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:12 PM
Helps to know ages of children, how long you've been married, how long skids have known you....
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:12 PM
Helps to know ages of children, how long you've been married, how long skids have known you....
DDDaysh
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:14 PM
1 mom liked this

Didn't parrot make a post not long ago....  

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:17 PM

What are the ages of the children, how long have the parents been divorced, how long before either remarried, how long have you been in the picture, what's the custody situation like, how do the parents get along?  Need more details to offer advice really. 

Basic advice though is, let BM be BM (good or bad in your opinion, let her be). Let BF be BF (good or bad in your opinion, let him be).  Be a friend to the child, not a 'parent'.  Let your relationship with the child grow, on the childs terms.  Be a safe place for the child, not a source of conflict or stress.  Child time isn't like adult time, what seems like 'long enough' for an adult may/may not be 'long enough' for the child, and that's OK.  It's OK to be dads wife and not take the 'parent' role in stepparent too deep.  If you don't have much experience with children on your own, buy a few books on raising children and learn what's 'normal' at each age so you don't take things 'personally' when the teen is unhappy (most are anyway, it's part of being a teen, it's not 'you'.. or it could be...)   It's ok to tell your new spouse that you are not the 'scape goat' for discipline, in fact, do not put yourself in a position to be the scape goat in the first place. If something was working before you became the SP, let it keep working after you become the SP....   this could go on, and some may/may not apply to your situation, but without details we can ony randomly throw out 'advice' to you.  :) 

Dirtroadbarbie
by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 5:42 PM
The son is two years old. We are a military family and he lives with his mom 9 months out of the year and three months with us. Both parents have been divorced over a year. We live on the east coast and the kid lives on the west coast.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 7:41 PM

When the kid comes to visit, does BF have time off to spend with him or will you be left with him while BF is off doing military things?  What is his role in his sons life so far?  Are his 3 months all at once (all summer?) and the 9 months with BM or is this broken out some other way?  If it's throughout the year, holidays and such, how are the visits broken out?  Does DH skype with the boy or communicate with him any other ways during the time the boy is with BM?   At 2 years old, this seems extreme for the boy, no matter who he's with.  :(   Any chance BF could be transferred back to the east coast to be closer to his son? 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 7:45 PM


Quoting DDDaysh:

Didn't parrot make a post not long ago....  

Told you.....lol

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 8:02 PM
Oh that's rough. My brother is military and basically missed his daughter growing up because she was in Texas and he was literally all over the place. One thing that he did from a very early age was send care packages. He would send something at least once a month. Just kind of a reminder - I'm here and I'm thinking of you. The package could be a toy. Or some candy. An outfit. Books. He always got her something everywhere he went. Whether it was a bear that said San Diego - a book from Japan. Like a souvenir. (Did I spell that right?) I know your question was more of what you can do and maybe he is already doing this I don't know - but encouraging him to stay active even though he is so far away will be a support that he needs. There may be times that he is frustrated or let down (not sure of the relationship between him and his ex) and he will need encouragement. That was the hardest part for my brother. He was already in the military when she was conceived so it's not like he chose to be away from her. His ex decided military life wasn't for her very early on. He's made a career of it. Almost 20 years in. His wife has been a huge support to him - encouraging him when he wants to give up.

As far as when he is with you guys - I would just get to know him. You can treat him like you would any child you would have in your home. As he gets older - he knows the rules of the house just like he will when he visits grandma. This really is a good age. Toddlers love other people. Well normal toddlers anyway. It's much harder when they are older. When my niece has visited my brother and his family she is like a guest. She doesn't really do much as in chores. She picks up after herself and she does help out with cooking and serving - setting the table. But she's only there two months a year. They try to make her as comfortable as possible and they kind of do make a big deal about her being there. They do a lot of fun things. Experience as much as they can together. Hope that gave you some ideas. Sorry so long.

Quoting Dirtroadbarbie: The son is two years old. We are a military family and he lives with his mom 9 months out of the year and three months with us. Both parents have been divorced over a year. We live on the east coast and the kid lives on the west coast.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 2, 2013 at 8:13 PM
1 mom liked this

I guess my advice is, be really nice to him, be the fun lady married to dad, and let dad do the heavy lifting. Be the 'good cop."  Enjoy having him over for his vist, and let dad be the parent. 


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