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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

More car talk.

Posted by on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:04 PM
  • 43 Replies

SD15 will be 16 in Feb.

WE (as in DH and me) are not exactly in an awesome financial situation.  He has taken a loan on his savings plan, and is planning to take an advance on his pay before he leaves for a foreign post for one year alone.  (ie: kids and I are staying in the US and he's going to be overseas)

We are still paying off debts from when he and BM were married.  And they've been divorced a LONG TIME. We're also paying off debts from when he was unemployed for a few years and I was supporting everyone.

I had to borrow money from my mom just to have gas money to go visit his kids for Thanksgiving.  I had shut off notices waiting for me back home because he didn't pay any bills while I was out of town caring for my Gma---and he chose to buy his kiddo a laptop amongst other things.

We simply do not have a lot of expendable income.

But he informed me two days ago that once the money starts coming in, he is going to buy a car for SD15.  I said that I am all for helping her buy a car but since she A) doesn't have a job B) doesn't need a car to get to school (block from mom's) and C) we really don't HAVE the extra money that I'd prefer that he wait.

He's not going to wait.  As soon as he can pocket enough money, he plans to get his daughter a car.

As a SM...as a WIFE...do I have ANY say in this? Should I?  I mean, I need another mammo right now that I can't get til we pay off the last round of care.  We need to pay RENT.  We can't this week cuz he spent all the money on stuff for the kids.  He wants to do a big Xmas for them. We CAN'T AFFORD IT.  It's not that I'm trying to spend money, I'm saying No! To it ALL!  But when it comes to the kids, he just seems to have no stop. 

Originally, I was told that DH and BM were going to split the cost of a vehicle.  Now it's 100% on us? And we couldn't afford the half!  I am not cool with getting SD a vehicle that isn't safe.  ANd for Xk, you can't necessarily get a safe car. 


Anyway...I'm in the "NO WAY, NOT NOW" column.  We need to be able to pay for our home, our utilities...he's willing to spend spend and spend on the kids.

How do you lay it out for someone when they just don't seemt o THINK about reality when it comes to what the kids want?

I don't see how I can NOT be the a-hole here.  But I would sure like to have heat and water and it seems like he'll spend every last cent on the kids if that's what he wants to do.'


by on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pepper504
by Gold Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:11 PM
4 moms liked this

His priorities are totally messed up and that needs to be addressed or you are going to forever be in a financial hole. 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:11 PM

 IDK, I think that a big part of being a married couple is being on the same page financially as far as priorities.  I hear of other couples that work just fine with separate accounts and budgets but I couldn't do it.  My exH spent money on anything he wanted and I said I'd never go back there again.

Anyway, my suggestion is to get on the same page financially.  As in, we have $x coming in this month and here is where it is going a, b, c.  You and he can then go down the line on your priorities and expenses and see where buying a car will fall on the list.  Then, just do this over and over, month by month.  When you have extra money in your budget YOU put some toward something and he puts some toward something.  Key is that you both have to do this together, both agree and neither can violate the agreement.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:28 PM
2 moms liked this

What would you get financially in a divorce?

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:39 PM
1 mom liked this

Here's the harsh reality of it all. You don't have a say. Even if he wanted to spend his new found income on crack and did it....you have no say. When you have a say, you have a marriage. Do you have that Bird?


jlg12678
by Gold Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:41 PM
6 moms liked this

I got nothing....I don't know why you stay and why you put up with this.  He's not responsible enough to pay bills on utilities and you have no extra cash flow yet he once again wants to give his kids what he no longer can.

I really have nothing. This would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me and I would be making an exit plan as I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with this type of nonesense.

I hope someday you can see how dysfunctional things are. You deserve better than what you get.

ramita
by Silver Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't see how you can stand it. I would've been out a long time ago, and now I think this would definitely be a good reason to leave. I mean he's putting not just you guys having a roof over yalls head , but also YOUR health behind his kids. You should have a say when it comes to finances especially when money is tight, but I don't think you do...sorry.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 3:57 PM


Quoting pdxmum:

What would you get financially in a divorce?

Nothing. He'd get something from me if anything.

But I don't want a divorce. I just want a little bit of a safety net financially. And it seems like *I* am the financial safety net.  But now I'm not working so I have no say.  At all.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 4:02 PM
5 moms liked this


Quoting Birdseed:


Quoting pdxmum:

What would you get financially in a divorce?

Nothing. He'd get something from me if anything.

But I don't want a divorce. I just want a little bit of a safety net financially. And it seems like *I* am the financial safety net.  But now I'm not working so I have no say.  At all.

I guess I don't get why you stay.  The beginning of the end for BF and I was when he showed up in our driveway with his great big yellow Fuck You.  The Fuck You being an ugly yellow crotch rocket motorcycle.

That he wrote a check for from our home equity account.  And never discussed with me.

You are getting lots of "Great Big Yellow Fuck You's" from your DH.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 4:05 PM

You shouldn't have to be the safety net.  And just because you are not working does not mean you have no say. Did you not support pretty much everyone (including bm)  not to long ago with your income when your husband wasn't working?  Did he have a say during that period?

I would be reminding him of EVERYTHING. And if he didn't respect me enough to stop the nonsense he'd be getting a bill from me for everything I spent on him and his expenses while he was unemployed.

It makes me sad for you that you feel you have no say in your marriage when you have done so much for everyone else.

Quoting Birdseed:

 

Quoting pdxmum:

What would you get financially in a divorce?

Nothing. He'd get something from me if anything.

But I don't want a divorce. I just want a little bit of a safety net financially. And it seems like *I* am the financial safety net.  But now I'm not working so I have no say.  At all.

 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Dec. 3, 2013 at 4:12 PM

Your husband can't afford a wife and kids. He just can't.

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