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Suddenly a FT mom to a 7 y/o SD

Posted by on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:09 PM
  • 44 Replies

Hi, Im Angie. I have 3 kids. DD12,DS 17,& SD 7. I have been with DH for 2 years now.I dont even know where to start, I dont mean to sound like a horrible person right from the start, but EVERYTHING seems to ALWAYS be about my SD. All the small issues that we had before we lived together full time seem to have gotten worse instead of better. Age appropriate behavior, rules, tantrums,... My DH has a hard time enforcing ANY rules on SD and doesnt back me up right away if try to enforce rules and by the time he does, I just look like the bad guy. I dont know how to get him to understand why SD cant do all the things her older siblings get to do. It has gotten to the point where I have had to search the neighborhood for her as she does not come home when it starts to get dark or stay where she is supposed to be playing, failing grades, tantums that include kicking the walls and throwing things! We have full custody of her and she she gets off the bus at 2:30, it takes almost 3 hours most afternoons to get her 2nd grade homework done : (  leaving me mentaly and emotionally exhausted. When DH gets home she plays the Daddys girl card, she will even admit the bad behavior and gets NO reaction or punishment from DH. I dont know weather to be mad or hurt. I feel like I have no time or energy left for my own children. Family outings are almost non existant as SD makes them misserable whining and demanding. We have been to parent teacher confrences and counciling a few times, but DH seems to find an excuse for bad behavior no matter who reccognises it. Im exhausted and starting to doubt DH or SD REALLY want to be a blended family. Im sure there are parts I left out, feel free to ask or comment, as im feeling lost.

by on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:12 PM
1 mom liked this

Um...  why did you marry this guy if those problems were already present.  Did you think living together would actually make them better?  

You need to turn parenting back over to your DH and let him be a single parent in a sense.  If that means he has to put her in daycare, then I guess that's what he has to do.  

angelica4444
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:32 PM
I get that response all the time. I really love him and SD too.(my kids love him too and try very hard to be understanding of SD) We were hoping that once we were in a neutral place things would be different because it wouldnt be "someones" house. I also didnt realize that alot of the parenting I thought DH did, fell on his sister who was his before/after school sitter. Overwhelmed at the stuff I thought was common sense parenting for anyone he just doesnt get. I feel badly because going into this I thought no problem! Iv done this before! lol Been through the homework fight, different learning styles, getting up in the mornings... but this is totally differnt. I am to the point of handing him the paenting books (variety on our bookself) and telling him if things arnt different after the holidays, then daycare it is! I just dont want to seem like a quitter like her birthmom, but I have to draw the line somewhere.In a nutshell, there was BIG talk about a plan for a successful blending of our families but now that its time for the work???? My only drawback is that daycare will only eliminate our afternoon struggle, DH would probly spoil her more because she has to go to daycare : (
DDDaysh
by on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:36 PM
1 mom liked this

So what?  If he is spoiling her it isn't your problem?  It's his kid he's ruining, not yours.  

It's time that you realized exactly who you married...  a really BAD parent who isn't interested in getting better.  You can't make up for that because you're not actually your SD's mother.  

So, do you want to stay married to that kind of man?  If so, then I'd let go of trying to control how he raises his child.  Let him do all the work and just try not to let it get to you when he screws it up.  

Quoting angelica4444: I get that response all the time. I really love him and SD too.(my kids love him too and try very hard to be understanding of SD) We were hoping that once we were in a neutral place things would be different because it wouldnt be "someones" house. I also didnt realize that alot of the parenting I thought DH did, fell on his sister who was his before/after school sitter. Overwhelmed at the stuff I thought was common sense parenting for anyone he just doesnt get. I feel badly because going into this I thought no problem! Iv done this before! lol Been through the homework fight, different learning styles, getting up in the mornings... but this is totally differnt. I am to the point of handing him the paenting books (variety on our bookself) and telling him if things arnt different after the holidays, then daycare it is! I just dont want to seem like a quitter like her birthmom, but I have to draw the line somewhere.In a nutshell, there was BIG talk about a plan for a successful blending of our families but now that its time for the work???? My only drawback is that daycare will only eliminate our afternoon struggle, DH would probly spoil her more because she has to go to daycare : (


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Maybe the sister should return to being the before and afterschool sitter. There is no reason for you to take over the babysitting, just because you are living with your husbabd now.

Let your husband be the one to do homework with his daughter.

Quoting angelica4444: I get that response all the time. I really love him and SD too.(my kids love him too and try very hard to be understanding of SD) We were hoping that once we were in a neutral place things would be different because it wouldnt be "someones" house. I also didnt realize that alot of the parenting I thought DH did, fell on his sister who was his before/after school sitter. Overwhelmed at the stuff I thought was common sense parenting for anyone he just doesnt get. I feel badly because going into this I thought no problem! Iv done this before! lol Been through the homework fight, different learning styles, getting up in the mornings... but this is totally differnt. I am to the point of handing him the paenting books (variety on our bookself) and telling him if things arnt different after the holidays, then daycare it is! I just dont want to seem like a quitter like her birthmom, but I have to draw the line somewhere.In a nutshell, there was BIG talk about a plan for a successful blending of our families but now that its time for the work???? My only drawback is that daycare will only eliminate our afternoon struggle, DH would probly spoil her more because she has to go to daycare : (


angelica4444
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:51 PM

Let me add an example of a typical problem. Maybe Im just "mean"

SD and I are still at the table at 9pm doing homework. Been at this since roughly 3pm in between tantrums and cooking dinner and a few questions from my two kids who bail to their rooms when SD is in this mood. DH working late comes in and offers to "help". I tell him she should be in bed, we have been at this way too long he can help by putting her to bed so I can eat something and check on the other kids. Next night homework is done by 6 when DH gets home, but has been a 3 hour battle as usual. After dinner SD whines that she wants to play a boad game. I say " but we were up til 9 doing HW last night" and DH says" that was last night?" So I say go play then! Am I wrong for feeling like since she took the entire night the night before to complete her homework and no one else got any attention but her that the next night shouldnt be all about her again? Yes, I could spend time with my 2 while he is playing the game. But thats not the point. Im expecting family time or more important an ADULT conversation about why it took so long to get homework done!

angelica4444
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:55 PM

 

Quoting whatIknownow:

Maybe the sister should return to being the before and afterschool sitter. There is no reason for you to take over the babysitting, just because you are living with your husbabd now.

Let your husband be the one to do homework with his daughter.

Quoting angelica4444: I get that response all the time. I really love him and SD too.(my kids love him too and try very hard to be understanding of SD) We were hoping that once we were in a neutral place things would be different because it wouldnt be "someones" house. I also didnt realize that alot of the parenting I thought DH did, fell on his sister who was his before/after school sitter. Overwhelmed at the stuff I thought was common sense parenting for anyone he just doesnt get. I feel badly because going into this I thought no problem! Iv done this before! lol Been through the homework fight, different learning styles, getting up in the mornings... but this is totally differnt. I am to the point of handing him the paenting books (variety on our bookself) and telling him if things arnt different after the holidays, then daycare it is! I just dont want to seem like a quitter like her birthmom, but I have to draw the line somewhere.In a nutshell, there was BIG talk about a plan for a successful blending of our families but now that its time for the work???? My only drawback is that daycare will only eliminate our afternoon struggle, DH would probly spoil her more because she has to go to daycare : (

 

 

angelica4444
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:56 PM

I would love for his sister to take over babysitting again! however, they lived in a different city, so its not an option anymore

angelica4444
by Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:57 PM

 

Quoting DDDaysh:

So what?  If he is spoiling her it isn't your problem?  It's his kid he's ruining, not yours.  

It's time that you realized exactly who you married...  a really BAD parent who isn't interested in getting better.  You can't make up for that because you're not actually your SD's mother.  

So, do you want to stay married to that kind of man?  If so, then I'd let go of trying to control how he raises his child.  Let him do all the work and just try not to let it get to you when he screws it up.  

Quoting angelica4444: I get that response all the time. I really love him and SD too.(my kids love him too and try very hard to be understanding of SD) We were hoping that once we were in a neutral place things would be different because it wouldnt be "someones" house. I also didnt realize that alot of the parenting I thought DH did, fell on his sister who was his before/after school sitter. Overwhelmed at the stuff I thought was common sense parenting for anyone he just doesnt get. I feel badly because going into this I thought no problem! Iv done this before! lol Been through the homework fight, different learning styles, getting up in the mornings... but this is totally differnt. I am to the point of handing him the paenting books (variety on our bookself) and telling him if things arnt different after the holidays, then daycare it is! I just dont want to seem like a quitter like her birthmom, but I have to draw the line somewhere.In a nutshell, there was BIG talk about a plan for a successful blending of our families but now that its time for the work???? My only drawback is that daycare will only eliminate our afternoon struggle, DH would probly spoil her more because she has to go to daycare : (


 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:57 PM
2 moms liked this
I would let him handle the homework when he gets home. Homework is a battle for a lot of parents in general. Let her play and do whatever until he is home - then she is all his headache and he can be exhausted.
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DDDaysh
by on Dec. 4, 2013 at 2:59 PM

Yes, in this case you are wrong.  

If the child is taking that long to do homework, something is wrong, and even if it's nothing more than acting out (unlikely) it is a sign she isn't adjusting well and needs help.  

Homework time was no more fun for the child than it was for you.  She didn't get good time with her Daddy either.  It is wrong for you to expect him to put attention to you ahead of attention to his child.  You guys can have "alone time" after the kids go to bed or when you get a sitter for dates.  

If the child is struggling this much she needs LOTS of positive attention, and playing a board game with Dad is a very good thing!  

I know the homework battles can be physically exausting, even with your own child. You don't seem to be handling them well, so I think you need to take yourself out (and suggest to your DH that he talk to her teacher about what's going on.)

Quoting angelica4444:

Let me add an example of a typical problem. Maybe Im just "mean"

SD and I are still at the table at 9pm doing homework. Been at this since roughly 3pm in between tantrums and cooking dinner and a few questions from my two kids who bail to their rooms when SD is in this mood. DH working late comes in and offers to "help". I tell him she should be in bed, we have been at this way too long he can help by putting her to bed so I can eat something and check on the other kids. Next night homework is done by 6 when DH gets home, but has been a 3 hour battle as usual. After dinner SD whines that she wants to play a boad game. I say " but we were up til 9 doing HW last night" and DH says" that was last night?" So I say go play then! Am I wrong for feeling like since she took the entire night the night before to complete her homework and no one else got any attention but her that the next night shouldnt be all about her again? Yes, I could spend time with my 2 while he is playing the game. But thats not the point. Im expecting family time or more important an ADULT conversation about why it took so long to get homework done!


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