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Why doesn't BP love me???

Posted by on Dec. 5, 2013 at 7:06 PM
  • 33 Replies
1 mom liked this

Who here has had a child ask why their BP doesn't love them? I read where a Sm says her Sd asks regularly why her BM doesn't love her (SD).

I had a really bad BM growing up, She loved me but didn't know how to be a (good)parent. I would be left at neighbors for days at a time, may not have meals every day, did not get bathed regularly or have clean clothes. She had a ton of issues, but she loved me. She didn't get CS and we barely saw my BF. She would move alot because my grandfather and step-grandmother tried taking custody and did succeed when I was 6.5 yrs.  It threw my BM into  BAD depression, like mental hospital bad. She was very unstable.

During all her bad/horrible parenting (leaving me for days, weeks at a time) Not hearing from her, etc. I never questioned or asked why she didn't love me. Not once.  Now when I was an adult I had certain family tell me that my mom didn't love me and I kinda questioned it but then I really looked at her life and things she did that were good and I know she loved me, she just couldn't be a good parent.

BM is not really a great parent. She isn't, she is trying though and I can see she loves SS very much. He has never asked if she loves him or not. But as much as she frustrates me and angers me, I don't doubt her love.

I have a feeling when kids ask this, someone is feeding them a pile of bull. I am not saying its a SP, but maybe you should ask the child why they think that. You may be surpised to hear, its from the OP or a SP  after all. Maybe you were venting that BM/BD didn't get the kid school clothes and said you could believe they didn't care. Kid translates it to you said OP doesn't love them.

Sorry I think I am ranting but that question/statement hits a nerve with me.


by on Dec. 5, 2013 at 7:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 8:28 PM

I think it can vary by the attitude of the people who have custody. 

My step kids have asked why she doesn't do things or keep promises. OSD has told me that she isn't a good mom, but all three have always known their mom loves them.  Maybe there was a time when they questioned that. if they did I would have told them she does love them, she just doesn't do a good time showing it. It could have happened and it just wasn't important enough for me to remember because it really was no big deal.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 8:33 PM

I agree...

Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Dec. 5, 2013 at 8:49 PM

 I think it really does depend on the individual situation and the people involved. My son was about 4yo when he asked me why his biofather didn't love him, what he did wrong to make his biofather leave us. I asked why he felt that way and his response was that his biofather never came to see him, never called, never wrote, nothing. Now he's 10yo and doesn't care, has told me point blank that he doesn't need his biofather because he has a dad that loves him.

I have never trashed his biofather in front of him, around him, to him or anything. Nor have I let anyone else do so. I made it very clear that I wanted my son to be able to have a relationship with his biofather when his biofather was ready, therefore, there would be no tainting my son with anyone's opinion, good or bad as it may be.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 8:52 PM
My SD's BM yelled at her that she was no longer allowed to call her 'mom' after custody changed - that SD asking for that change loses her that privilege. That's what mental illness in our little corner of the world looks like. So, we did have to answer the 'does she love me?' question. I think it was more of a 'how can someone who loves me treat me like that?', though.

SD's self esteem is very damaged and her definition of what love is is very damaged as well. I am not sure there is/a great deal of value to the statement 'my mother loves me'. I do not think there is much value to the idea of anyone loving her. I think THAT is the legacy of an abusive or neglectful parent, as well.
buttercup627
by Bronze Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 9:09 PM
My sd associates my husband wanting her to try harder in school as not loving her. He's literally the only person left that believe she has potential to be a very smart young woman. It makes me sad that she views her BM ignoring her bad grades and attitude about education as love :(

The opposite of love isn't have its indifference
bellasmom32510
by on Dec. 5, 2013 at 9:23 PM
SD says that about BM because BM consistently chooses men over her. She is uninterested in SD's life etc. I have told her BM does love her she just may not show it the way she thinks she should.
momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 9:56 PM

I think you are on to something because my dad was a severe alcoholic.  My mom never talked bad about him.  He is finally making good life choices at 60+ years.  I've never doubted he loved me.... I just knew he was in a place that he couldn't show it.  And don't get me wrong no one made excuses for him either.  When I was old enough to put it all together I did and it took me a while to really really understand why he was the way he was.  But I never felt he did what he did was because he didn't love me.

I hope that all makes sense.

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 10:15 PM
I don't know. I think the only time I've heard SS speak about BM loving her kids, what he said sounded word for word like something an adult would say. Something along the lines of she takes care of us and helps us grow.

I've always been the kind of person who is going to believe actions over words...but I also think different people have different ideas of what love is and means.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 10:17 PM

With all the crap BM has done, all the crap she's pulled (emotional manipulation and abuse, threatening to beat SD to death), SD has never questioned BM's love for her.

Interesting enough, the only person's love that SD questions is mine, and she'll say, "How come you hate me? My grandma/great grandma say..." 

Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Dec. 5, 2013 at 11:01 PM


Quoting Chibi_Kitten:

 I think it really does depend on the individual situation and the people involved. My son was about 4yo when he asked me why his biofather didn't love him, what he did wrong to make his biofather leave us. I asked why he felt that way and his response was that his biofather never came to see him, never called, never wrote, nothing. Now he's 10yo and doesn't care, has told me point blank that he doesn't need his biofather because he has a dad that loves him.

I have never trashed his biofather in front of him, around him, to him or anything. Nor have I let anyone else do so. I made it very clear that I wanted my son to be able to have a relationship with his biofather when his biofather was ready, therefore, there would be no tainting my son with anyone's opinion, good or bad as it may be.

My SS is 4. He has never asked that. Do you think you son could have overheard ANYONE (not necessarily you) say that his BD must not love/care for your DS? You said you made it clear so its possible someone started to say something and you cut them off? Kids do pick up really quick. Just a thought.

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