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How long were you & your DH dating before telling the kids?

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 7:54 PM
  • 36 Replies

Inquiring minds what to know (okay- maybe just mine):

How long everyone was dating their DH before telling the kids that you were dating. Or even introducing them to your DH? Or if you don't have children of your own how long before you met his kids? 

How long did it take for you to tell your ex (if you have one) or for him to tell his? Or did the kids spill the beans?

Is it easier if the kids already know him (or you) because you were friends before dating? If you both have kids did you take them on "playdates" while you were dating?

Sorry... just things I have started thinking about now that I am seeing someone. Even though it's just dating (at a really slow pace) right now I still think about things as if there might someday actually be something more than just dating.

by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 7:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 7:57 PM

We met each other's kids within a couple weeks of dating. But they didn't know we were dating right away.  We told them we were dating... maybe a month or so into it.  

then again we got engaged at 5 months and married at 7 months after we met.

I don't know when my DH told his ex, but it must have been within 6 weeks, because she suggested he bring  me to their joint birthday party for SS-then-7, and I did go.

I can't remember when I told my ex. But DH was not the first boyfriend I had, and I didnt' discuss my dating live with my ex. He probably just found out from the kids at some point.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:03 PM

Very quickly.  I knew his boys quite well already since I was their Sunday school teacher.  So his boys and my YDD knew each other from church and my SD and my ODD were also in the same class at church.  They had just been on a church trip to Boston together.

We started dating in May, engaged in September, married in February.

I think it was quite easy in the beginning because of all the connections.  

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:04 PM

And PS, I already knew BM through church.  I have no memory of when I told BF.


lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:10 PM

I knew his daughter because I met them both at the same time initially.  We started dating in January, and I met his daughter 3 months later.  We moved in together after dating for 6 months.  His daughter was 4 at that time, so she wasn't seem to think that it was weird, especially considering her mom had been remarried for almost 2 years at that point I believe.  We moved in a little earlier than I would have liked, but we both needed to move, and I was practically staying almost every night with him, except when his daughter was there. 

I didn't have any children at the time, so it was all sort of in his court.  I was also very mindful that suddenly she wasn't "the only girl" in her dads life.  So, I made sure that they went out and did stuff together while I made dinner, etc. 

The hardest part for me was not realizing what little kids are actually like.  A lot of our arguments "about sd" were just my lack of being around children, ever.

 

MommySabs
by Gold Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:15 PM
It was a couple months in when each of us told our kids. Shortly after we introduced all the kids ( took then somewhere fun, so try could just play and feel out each others personalities. Luckily for us the boys all are very close and immediately got along with each other).
jules2boys
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:17 PM

I've been dating my SO for over a year now and my kids don't know. ODS knows him (both our boys played the same EC, we've known him/his DD and DS for quite a few years now just through the EC).  We don't plan on telling the kids for quite some time either.  He dated someone for about 3 years (a few years ago) and his DD was devistated when they broke up.  He doesn't want to do that to her again and I don't want to either. 

BF/SM were dating while he and I were still married... when we separated he introduced her within a couple of months to them as his 'friend'.  Within a year ODS (then 6 or maybe just barely 7?) asked me why dads 'friend' kept her clothes and shoes at dads house if they were just friends?  None of his other friends did that and none of my friends did that either (I didn't know, I told him he should ask his dad as I'd never been to dads place).  BF didn't tell the boys anything more than SM was his 'friend' until 3 or 4 weeks before their wedding... then he told them they were engaged and getting married very soon (just as soon as our divorce was finally final).  After this experience (the boys weren't happy with her after the short engagement - short to them, they'd been engaged longer than that though) I won't do that to the boys either.  They won't know SO and I are dating for quite some time.  We're in no rush for it all. 

som610
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:18 PM
I met SD the day after our first "date" and we went to a water park with her before we were together. He asked me out that night.

SD talked about me all the time so about a month after we were together BM asked DH who I was.

Not the way I would do things but I am the only girl she met and we ended up married so I guess it worked out fine.
CampClan
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:18 PM

The guy I am seeing goes to my church too! His ex lives in a different state so I haven't met her (yet). And he hasn't met my ex even though my ex lives closer to him than I live to ex! Infact, my guy is a former ordained pastor. He left the ministry because his ex wife hated being a pastor's wife. He tried for 2 more years to make his marriage work before they finally divorced (about the same time I did).

When my ex told our kids about his GF a year ago in September. That's when he told them about their little brother too. (I knew about the 2 of them for about 2 years at that point) They didn't actually meet GF & brother until April of this year when he moved into an apartment with Gf & their son. And that was only because I decided to refuse to let him come to my house for visitations. So he was being forced to introduce everyone because he knew the kids would be spending time at their place.


Quoting pdxmum:

And PS, I already knew BM through church.  I have no memory of when I told BF.



CampClan
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:26 PM

My DDs (14 & 12) were not thrilled about Daddy being with another woman nor having a child with her. They started dating when I had just found out I was pregnant with my now 4.5yo DS. Then 2 years later I find out she's pregnant (I also found out about her at that time- we were still married). So to find out that their dad not only had a child with another woman but was moving in with her (he moved in with them this past April)... they were not thrilled. I had to sit them down & give them a talk about how GF makes their dad happy & how I use to be angry about it but it wasn't doing any of us any good for me to be angry.

Quoting jules2boys:

I've been dating my SO for over a year now and my kids don't know. ODS knows him (both our boys played the same EC, we've known him/his DD and DS for quite a few years now just through the EC).  We don't plan on telling the kids for quite some time either.  He dated someone for about 3 years (a few years ago) and his DD was devistated when they broke up.  He doesn't want to do that to her again and I don't want to either. 

BF/SM were dating while he and I were still married... when we separated he introduced her within a couple of months to them as his 'friend'.  Within a year ODS (then 6 or maybe just barely 7?) asked me why dads 'friend' kept her clothes and shoes at dads house if they were just friends?  None of his other friends did that and none of my friends did that either (I didn't know, I told him he should ask his dad as I'd never been to dads place).  BF didn't tell the boys anything more than SM was his 'friend' until 3 or 4 weeks before their wedding... then he told them they were engaged and getting married very soon (just as soon as our divorce was finally final).  After this experience (the boys weren't happy with her after the short engagement - short to them, they'd been engaged longer than that though) I won't do that to the boys either.  They won't know SO and I are dating for quite some time.  We're in no rush for it all. 


luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:43 PM

I dont have a lot of experience in this area, because J was the only guy I ever had around DD after I left my ex.  I dated other guys but never felt it was serious enough to introduce them.  with J, he and I had been friends for a year or so before we ever considered dating, so DD already knew him and was comfortable with him, and had been around him many times as we have a very tight knit and active group of friends that get together regularly.  So we didnt have to do the "introduction" thing.  

I didnt meet SS until we had been together for a year or so, because we lived in different states and J was in the middle of a custody battle-bm was denying visitation, and nothing could be done until he could get into court which took FOREVER.  It wasnt ideal- I would have preferred to have J spend more time getting reacquainted with his son before I met him, but because he had to travel to BMs state and had no one else who could go with him, I ended up going.  He could not go alone because of previous serious accusations and threats from bm and her family, the judge was the one who finally said "what about your fiance, would she be able to accompany you as a witness?"....sigh..... so I went but did the best I could to stay back and just be there in a "viewing" capacity.  It actually helped that bms mom ended up liking me quite a bit, because I was able to chat with her and get her to leave J and his son alone to bond.  
 
We now have sole custody due to a whole bunch of other crazy that happened and BM does not have any visitation at this point, but thats a whooooleeee other story.   

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