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two steps forward, one step back

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2013 at 11:04 AM
  • 12 Replies

Do you guys think that every major change will result in taking a step back?

For instance, BD and BM divorce. As the child is beginning to come to terms, one of the parents meets someone new. Around the time the child is beginning to accept the new person, the parent moves in with their new beau. Child adjusts to that and then the parent marries. While the child is settling into the family, the parent announces that a baby is on the way.

Do you think that with every big change the parent should expect their child to “take a step back,” and prepare for a possible negative response?

by on Dec. 11, 2013 at 11:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Dec. 11, 2013 at 11:14 AM

i never expected the kids to take a step back.  The only thing that has caused them to go backward is imprisonment of bm, and the 4 months of jail for Bf.  it has affected the kids in a bad way but we are working through it.  They were happy when we got married and soo excited, and when baby was born it was amazing to see her have 6 great big siblings.  So no to answer you question i dont think it will always result in taking a step back.  But with everything in life some negative response are alwalys a posibility.  

amonkeymom
by Amy on Dec. 11, 2013 at 3:39 PM

I don't know that it's a "step back" so much as an adjustment period.

elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2013 at 10:02 PM

No, I don't think it should be expected, but shouldn't come as a suprise if it happens either. My DD's major adjustment was their dad leaving their lives for 2 years by his choice, not me not letting him see them. The moving/marriage/baby things were all fine for them.

SD was different, partially b/c of BM. BM told SD we wouldn't include her, replace her w/baby, etc. so her adjustments were harder and longer.

macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2013 at 10:05 PM
Yes transitions can be tough.
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luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Dec. 11, 2013 at 10:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I think in the scenario you presented, theres bound to be some blowback.  

Thats just one of many reasons why I am a HUGE advocate for SLOWING THE FUCK DOWN when it comes to new relationships and remarriages.  People dont need to meet each others kids right away, move in together right away, get married right away, etc.  

 In my case DD already knew J BEFORe we dated because we had been friends for some time-but it was still awhile before we did anything "couple-y" with DD present.  

people need to slow down!

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2013 at 11:09 PM

I completely agree.

I just want to shake my head when someone posts and says they got engaged and moved in just months after meeting their perfect fiancé. Maybe the adults in the situation are okay with it (I don't necessarily think short engagements are a death sentence), but in these cases kids are involved. If you're a single adult do what you please, but when kids are involved the adults need to put aside their wants and focus on making sure the kids are secure.

Quoting luckystars2012:

I think in the scenario you presented, theres bound to be some blowback.  

Thats just one of many reasons why I am a HUGE advocate for SLOWING THE FUCK DOWN when it comes to new relationships and remarriages.  People dont need to meet each others kids right away, move in together right away, get married right away, etc.  

 In my case DD already knew J BEFORe we dated because we had been friends for some time-but it was still awhile before we did anything "couple-y" with DD present.  

people need to slow down!


chanizen
by Platinum Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 5:21 AM

Most people need time to adjust to change.  People get punchy during layoffs and moves and divorces.  Kids are people and have less say :). Often citing out is just heir way of saying "I'm uncomfortable"

DDDaysh
by on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:43 PM

It depends what you mean by "step back".

I do think some kids have a harder time adjusting to new situations than others, and I don't know that it ever changes.  After all, the book "Who moved my cheese?" was written for adults. 


CampClan
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 6:34 PM

I think that in an ideal situation parents would be respectful of the children involved & give the child time to adjust before giving them something else to deal with. How much time? That is going to be different in every situation. 

My ex announced to the kids that he has a son with his new GF last September. They didn't even know he had a GF since it was 6 months after our divorce was final. And then in April this year he announced they were moving in together. DD2 (was 13 at the time) hated the idea of her dad being with someone else. I had to sit down with her & explain that I couldn't make dad happy- that is why we divorced & GF makes her dad happy. I told her each of us adults had a part in the divorce- I didn't blame it all on dad. Having explained it that way she was able to cope with the fact that her dad was moving on. 


Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Dec. 13, 2013 at 8:50 AM
1 mom liked this

Everything happened fast for me. The divorce was unexpected on my part and my daughters. I was lonely and wondered what was wrong with me and didn't think anybody would care about me again. I dated one guy and then met DH within 3 months of my divorce. We dated a year and a half and married. My daughter was supportive of the marriage until it actually happened and we moved into his house. She was depressed awhile and really missed our old home, as did I. We lived there a year and bought a nice bigger house together all our own. In four years my DD has dealt with divorce, remarriage, and moving twice but always stayed in her same school.

I did things too fast probably, but she has handled it well and she has a loving caring stepdad. You have to weigh everything in your life. My mom died a few months after my divorce, and DD's dad and brother live hundreds of miles away. If I got cancer or died she would have had nobody here. My ex moved us to a small town before he left us and I do have friends, but not that lifelong close friendship support. Not only did I meet a great guy, but he has a fantastic mom and family. I married him quickly because I wanted to be with him 24/7 plain and simple.  But I also felt like putting her back in a home situation with a family having dinner together, relatives to visit and somebody else being home with her when I had to work or run errands may be a stability benefit as important as not rushing. Who knows. The adjustments my daughter had to make have given her a new grandma, nieces, nephews, and other relatives. We just had Thanksgiving with 30, instead of me, DD, and DS. I love her so much and hope that she takes from it all that she is resilent and she can pick up pieces and rebuild when things go south.

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