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SS is getting more and more impossible!

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2013 at 11:30 AM
  • 21 Replies

I have a 10 year old SS that is driving me insane! He has decided to be so defiant, that kind of defiance where you're talking to him about how his behavior is very unacceptable and he just stares back at you with an "I don't give a crap" look. I had posted on here about other issues with my Skids and BM and I was advised to step back when it came to dealing with negative behaviors, and I have tried to do that more so then I already was but I had 1 situation that I ended up consequenceing him, I wasn't planning to, it was more a "scare tactic"? I'll explain:

My oldest SS was cleaning his room, so I asked 10 yr old SS to do the same , well, he went to his room and was back in like 5 minutes, so I asked if he took care of specific things, he said he did (but in a way that gave me no confience), so I asked if he'd go make sure all was taken care of and he argued. So I made a "wager" with him, if I have to check because he won't, then he can be grounded and he stood his ground. I only said what I did because I've done it in other situations and he goes to take care of it because he knows he didn't and I'll see that and he'll get in trouble. I didn't really want to ground him, but I had to because my hunch was right, he hadn't done what he was supposed to and I had to keep my word :-(

After that, I haven't put myself in a position where I'd have to follow through with a consequence that I didn't want to be in charge of giving, but he's really just trying to push buttons and get reactions. I'm pretty proud of myself though, I don't let it get to me in a way that he can see it. Every time he comes home with his brother and something negative has happened with him, I let them both know that their dad will handle it when he gets home. He's just so unwilling to behave most of the time. He only really behaves when he's in trouble, so it feels really manipulative because it seems like he's just complying to get out of trouble but then he's right back to making bad choices once the consequence is lifted OR not even then, he's grounded right now and is still hurting his brother, threatening kids at school and Lord knows what else. I'm just so frustrated and worried. I'm honestly worried that something is happening to him, or that he's taking something (voluntarily or involuntarily) 

IDK, it's just a sucky situation.....

by on Dec. 12, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 11:41 AM

Don't ask him to clean his room. Then you don't have to worry about consequences for failing to obey.

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 11:57 AM

What does your husband say or do about his behavior?

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 12:21 PM

 What do you mean about hurting his brother and threatening kids at school?  His brother deserves to feel safe at home, is he being abused?  Is your SS abusing kids at school?

I agree with letting your DH handle having him clean his room and punishing him, etc.  I do the same.  But SS should not be able to get away with abuse, absolutely not. 

I know that if its a school situation usually the school will step in and suspend the child if there is abuse.

lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 2:42 PM

There shouldn't be a problem with me asking him to do that. I should be able to ask things of him without him being oppositional. Clearly, if I didn't ask things of him, he wouldn't have an ability to defy, but that's not realistic, parents ask kids to take care of responsibilities and they should obey.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Don't ask him to clean his room. Then you don't have to worry about consequences for failing to obey.


lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 2:48 PM

In the situation I mentioned, my husband didn't do anything at first, eventually he stepped in and made sure that my SS took care of what he was supposed to. With everything else, he tells him that it's not okay for him to be acting so poorly, he also grounds. He's trying to get him into counseling so that he has an outlet to talk about what's bothering him.

Quoting FreedomTruth:

What does your husband say or do about his behavior?


FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 3:06 PM
But is there any follow through by your husband. I know people who ground there kid, then are sick of enforcing it so the grounding is over. Counseling is a good idea.
lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 3:08 PM

He's hurting his brother by throwing him down, hitting him, stuff like that. I think that he is a bully to his older brother. 

He is telling kids at school that other people are going to hurt them, he told a girl that God was going to kill her, he told another kid that his SS at his mother's house was going to come and bash their head against a curb. With the first comment, a teacher talked to him about it and that's all that was done, in the other situation, I don't think anyone told a teacher.

I get that other stepparents leave all the parenting to their spouse, but I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask simple things of my stepchildren, and I don't deserve to be disrespected for it, I should be listened to.

My biggest concern is the verbal and physical abuse and I agree, that he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it, and it really sucks that I'm powerless to do anything about it and my husband is having a hard time getting help for SS as well. I really wish that we had schools that really upheld their zero tolerence policy, my kid needs it, BAD. But what can we do? banging head into wall

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 What do you mean about hurting his brother and threatening kids at school?  His brother deserves to feel safe at home, is he being abused?  Is your SS abusing kids at school?

I agree with letting your DH handle having him clean his room and punishing him, etc.  I do the same.  But SS should not be able to get away with abuse, absolutely not. 

I know that if its a school situation usually the school will step in and suspend the child if there is abuse.


OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 3:14 PM

 Yeah, the thing about your SS not listening to you, I get that all the time.  But hitting, pushing and threatening are serious.  My SS used to tell people all the time (at 6yo) that he was going to kill them.  My DH (not DH at the time, we were just dating) took SS to a mental hospital and got him on med and in intensive therapy that lasted 3 or 4 years.  My SS still takes meds but people who knew him before can't believe how good he is doing.

Quoting lovelymomma87:

He's hurting his brother by throwing him down, hitting him, stuff like that. I think that he is a bully to his older brother. 

He is telling kids at school that other people are going to hurt them, he told a girl that God was going to kill her, he told another kid that his SS at his mother's house was going to come and bash their head against a curb. With the first comment, a teacher talked to him about it and that's all that was done, in the other situation, I don't think anyone told a teacher.

I get that other stepparents leave all the parenting to their spouse, but I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask simple things of my stepchildren, and I don't deserve to be disrespected for it, I should be listened to.

My biggest concern is the verbal and physical abuse and I agree, that he shouldn't be allowed to get away with it, and it really sucks that I'm powerless to do anything about it and my husband is having a hard time getting help for SS as well. I really wish that we had schools that really upheld their zero tolerence policy, my kid needs it, BAD. But what can we do? banging head into wall

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 What do you mean about hurting his brother and threatening kids at school?  His brother deserves to feel safe at home, is he being abused?  Is your SS abusing kids at school?

I agree with letting your DH handle having him clean his room and punishing him, etc.  I do the same.  But SS should not be able to get away with abuse, absolutely not. 

I know that if its a school situation usually the school will step in and suspend the child if there is abuse.


 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 3:18 PM

My husband is good about following through with grounding. Generally it's not lifted due to getting sick of it. It's hard though, because the rest of the family's lives can't halt due to 1 child's behavior, so unfortunately we have to go places and bring him with and he acts like everything is great and like he's done nothing wrong. It's frustrating to me because it looks as though he doesn't care about punishment. I know it's probably just him being happy to be away from his room, but I know that when I was a kid in that situation, I knew I was still in trouble even though I was out of the house and I made sure that I stayed under the radar and finished my consequence. But that's me I guess.... 

Quoting FreedomTruth: But is there any follow through by your husband. I know people who ground there kid, then are sick of enforcing it so the grounding is over. Counseling is a good idea.


amantonacci
by Gold Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 3:21 PM

He's threatening kids at school and physically assaulting people and you choose to concentrate your post on him not cleaning his room? 

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