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When is it time to step back and let DH play daddy?

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2013 at 12:56 PM
  • 49 Replies

This might be a little all over the place...


DH and I got together when DSD was 10, she is now almost 14. She has been living with us full time since September of last year. Her mom moved a state away and couldn't afford to take her. We have been struggling with her and school. She would rather talk and mess around instead of doing her work. I have been the one contacting her teachers, bringing home worksheets, checking homework, etc. I am at my witts end and on the verge of a mental breakdown. DH doesn't step up to play daddy... he'll support me and stand behind me when I either dicipline for bad school behavior, or reward for good behavior... but he won't step up and do the diciplining or rewarding himself. I try to have one on one talks with DSD to try and get her to open up a little bit, but it doesn't work. She's not interested in talking to me. I'm so tired of being the monster, but she deserves it. She deserves someone who isn't going to give up on her and make sure she's on the right path. Her mom isn't very involved in her life, only talks to her every few weeks or so. Her dad is just too lazy to care. And she has no desire to have me in the "mom" role. My mom told me to step back and focus on DS (1 1/2) and just be there in the background for when she desides, if she ever does, that she wants me involved in her life. I feel for my mental health that it's best if i step back... but I feel horrible doing it. 

Any advice from those of you that have been there done that? 

by on Dec. 12, 2013 at 12:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:02 PM
2 moms liked this
Ummm, that whole "playing daddy" line is very telling. Your husband needs a swift kick in the seat of his pants.

Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:04 PM
Feel free to do it now. You could have done it from the beginning. This girl wants one of her parents to care for her. So I would feel bad if I continued to step up for her absent parents. Your mom is right. Step back and let your Dh be responsible
kellynh
by Kelly on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:04 PM
2 moms liked this

Listen to your Mom. When your dh is getting calls from the school, perhaps he will decide to parent. 

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:09 PM

There is no playing in parenting. You are either going to parent or not. He apparently is not. If neither parent is willing to put their child first then you have no shot as their stepmom. 

Liifeiisabeach
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:13 PM

I guess I don't have a shot as her step mom. It's just hard for me to accept that. Every child deserves a parent that cares. And I'm willing to be that parent. :( It's very disheartening. Everything comes from me. New clothes, christmas gifts, any grooming products... everything. Do I stop with all of that too? 

Mommy4000
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:21 PM

I think in your heart, you know it's time to step back and let him handle things. I'm very involved with my step daughter, and I tend to handle most things that involve the kids. It's worked well for many, many years, but it did get to a point where I felt that nothing I was saying was getting through at all. Then she made some choices that I just could not enable, as a mother and as a person, it wasn't in me to just put on a fake smile and pretend that she was living up to her potential. As a step mother I can guide, but unlike with my own kids, I can't fully lay down the law, so to speak, so it was time to just start directing her towards her dad when she comes to me with things. I know when it's things that he can handle, and when it's things she really needs me for, so I haven't completely left her, and never will, but it was time that she fall more on her parents for answers than me.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:23 PM
1 mom liked this

What you stop or don't stop is completely up to you.  There is no 'playing' when it comes to being a parent. Either you are or you aren't, and from your description, either BM nor BF have any interest in being her parent.  This is also telling of how BF will be towards your 1.5 yo DS too but at least you know that now.  He's all yours to raise, BF is apparently uninterested in raising children he helps create.  :( 

Yes, step back now, let SD13 fail.  It's not your job to help her succeed, that falls to her parents.  Let the schools know that you're stepping back and here is how you contact BF and/or BM. 

How very sad for this teen though.  How pathetic of BF and BM. 

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:28 PM
You do have a shot as SM. Continue to love her. Continue to be a safe place for her. But your husband needs to step up and do the heavy lifting. Does he not care?

Quoting Liifeiisabeach:

I guess I don't have a shot as her step mom. It's just hard for me to accept that. Every child deserves a parent that cares. And I'm willing to be that parent. :( It's very disheartening. Everything comes from me. New clothes, christmas gifts, any grooming products... everything. Do I stop with all of that too? 

cLanief
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:30 PM
Kick him in the balls TODAY.
Liifeiisabeach
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 1:32 PM

I wouldn't say he doesn't care. I don't think he knows what to do. He didn't have a dad and his mom was so busy working that him and his siblings got to do what they wanted when they wanted. He obviously wants more for his daughter, but doesn't know how to go about it. 

I will continue to be there for her when she wants me... but I just can't put forth the effort all time with no reply.

Quoting malinda74: You do have a shot as SM. Continue to love her. Continue to be a safe place for her. But your husband needs to step up and do the heavy lifting. Does he not care?

Quoting Liifeiisabeach:

I guess I don't have a shot as her step mom. It's just hard for me to accept that. Every child deserves a parent that cares. And I'm willing to be that parent. :( It's very disheartening. Everything comes from me. New clothes, christmas gifts, any grooming products... everything. Do I stop with all of that too? 


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