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Why is it so accepted for men to adopt step kids but not for women?

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:29 PM
  • 25 Replies
I found this question in another post and are just curious what you think about this. Please keep it civil. I know this can be an emotional topic.
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:32 PM

 idk. it seems to me that it is easier for men to dip out on kids because they didnt give birth to them so maybe there are more fatherless children than motherless ones, so its just more common.

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:35 PM

I do not care one way or the other.  I know there are a few SMs here that have adopted their skids.  

In reality the ability to adopt your schildren depends largely on your state.  In my state, for example, it is an extremely difficult process to undertake and can be considerably expensive.  My state is a reunification state, it is written into the state constitution that every parent has a RIGHT to a relationship with their biological children.  The quality of that relationship then falls to the parent.  In the event that stepparent adopting is pursued and successful in my state, this does not preclude the absent biological parent from their child support obligation either.  

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:41 PM
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I think adopting kids that know their parents (no matter for how long) is just one way of trying to erase who they are.  You take away grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and are trying to rewrite their history (and the adopters).  I don't agree with SPs of either gender doing it.

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:42 PM

I have no problem with either the SM or SF adopting the child.  If one parent is completely absent I applaud the SP for stepping up and making that decision as I assume it is a very emotional one to make and not something that they do lightly.  I also do not think that it is for everyone in a situation with an absent parent and that is okay, as well.  

My SF never adopted me.  My BF was gone before I was born and saw me once when I was a few months old.  I've never seen him since and he wanted nothing to do with me. I do not know all the ins and outs about why my Dad, who's been a part of my life never took those steps but I do know that it was not a decision that was made lightly.

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 1:44 PM
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... Also, wanted to add.  I don't really agree with the SP adopting kids whose other parent has passed away.  If this is something they want they should wait until the children are old enough to make the decision right along with them-- never while the children are very young and certainly not right away.  I think that is disrespectful to both the children and their deceased parent.

KWIM
by Bronze Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 2:12 PM
It depends on circumstance. Adopting a young child doesn't necessarily mean you are trying to replace or erase the deceased parent. It can provide security for the child legally in that, say, a few years down the road the other bio parent passes away. The child can remain in the only home they know without having to battle some relative that might come out of the woodwork to save the poor little orphan.

A woman I work with adopted her stepson when he was 2 and when he was 10 his father passed as well. 2 months after the funeral, the BM's parents tried to gain custody...After not having even talked to the child on the phone since their daughter's funeral 8 years prior (their choice. The child was too painful a reminder for them). Had the SM not have adopted, that kid would have been torn from his half siblings and his home to go live 4 states away with total strangers.

Quoting AmericanDream:

... Also, wanted to add.  I don't really agree with the SP adopting kids whose other parent has passed away.  If this is something they want they should wait until the children are old enough to make the decision right along with them-- never while the children are very young and certainly not right away.  I think that is disrespectful to both the children and their deceased parent.

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 2:26 PM

I do not have a problem with any step adopting a child if the bio is not involved at all. I only have a problem if the bio is involved and the step still trying to adopt the kids. More men have left their kids and not involved so it is more common then with women. My son's dad gave his daughter up for adoption after my son was born because he wanted out of paying cs and he wasn't involved. It was better for his daughter because now she no longer has the broken promises from her dad.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 2:29 PM

I've never seen anyone say it's not acceptable for a woman to adopt her stepkids. Where did you see this?

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 2:33 PM

I must have missed the post that said it was accepted that men adopt their stepkids but not women. 

I think adoption is a wonderful thing for either SM or SF if the other parent has passed away or is completely out of the childs life and has been for years (and has no interest in returning).  I don't think it's wonderful when one parent is trying to push the other away.    Side story.  I have a good friend who has a DD with her XH.  She's not very fond of him and he's screwed up his life something miserable over the years, but he's still in his DD11s life, and always has been.  He's not always/often been employed and is very far behind on CS.  He wasn't often employed while my friend was married to him either and that was just one of the reasons she divorced him (they had a long, childless history together prior to that, it wasn't a spur of the moment decision).  Since she remarried 5 years ago she's been talking about wanting SF to adopt her DD and just push BF out of the way 'because he's useless anyway'.  Sigh.  I don't particularly care for her XH either but, she knows not to discuss this with me anymore because I'm 100% against SF (who's a good guy, very attentive to his SD) adopting her when her BF is still around, active in her life (just not the way my friend feels he should be), etc.  I get her feelings, but I also sympathize with his feelings too.  She's asked him twice to just let SF adopt the girl.  Twice he's said no.  I'm actually proud of him for saying no.  He loves his DD and does what he can, when he can with her, while still trying to work on himself and dig himself out of the massive hole he dug for years and years. 

If a parent is deceased or has abandoned the child, or is abusive/neglectful and doesn't want to change their behavior, or has chosen drugs/alcohol over their children, repeatedly for years, then adoption by a SP may be a better option for the child but it doesn't have to be an option.  It's also possible for a SP to adopt a child and still remain friendly with the OPs family, despite the adoption.  Ideally the child shouldn't have to lose 'all' of that side of the family because one BP decided to walk away from the child, or has passed on too early in life. 

UThinkUKnowMe
by on Dec. 17, 2013 at 4:40 PM

I believe there is still the very widely held belief that mom's would not leave the door closed with such finality that adoption of her children by a SM would be an option.  However, dad's do. 

I'm not saying that either opinion is right.  I just think that as a website of thousands of women who at some level or another love a child (bio-, step, or otherwise), it's only natural for the prejudice to be there. 

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