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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Where is the support? my vent for the day

Posted by on Dec. 19, 2013 at 12:13 AM
  • 89 Replies
10 moms liked this

I am truly confused. I thought this group was to "support" STEP parents?

All I have read on alot of these replies to the group members concerns are "stay out of it" "you're not the parent" "let DH or BM handle it"

DO what?!?!

You cant JUST stay out of it. Everything that happens in your family Biological or step affects you in EVERY way. I thought when I joined this group I would have people who understood the pressure of not having a say in anything "legally" that is. But all I have been met with is " so what, get over it, you're just the person there in the home for DH"

You know what. NO I am not! I am the person who's heart, emotions, blood, sweat, and tears goes into keeping the family unit together. Just bc I am labeled "step" doesn't mean I have no heart to wear on my sleeve.

 

 

by on Dec. 19, 2013 at 12:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 12:18 AM
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Honestly, it's situational dependent.

Unfortunately a LOT of the issues we see posted her are things that a SM really has no control over, especially a NCSM who's step-child/children have two active and involved parents. Or, their problem isn't a step-child problem, it's a husband problem.  

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 12:22 AM
2 moms liked this

Is it workin for ya?

You can't take the advice given out of context.  Sometimes the best support is to free an overly vested SM from things she really has no control over.

And if you bother reading all replies instead of focusing on the ones that say stuff you don't like, you find plenty of support here of every kind.

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 12:32 AM
3 moms liked this
Eh I think SMC is not a place to get support unfortunately, it's bunch of women giving their opinion, and some of those opinions are really ridiculous/mean, plus it's colored with their personal experience.
If you need real help you better off with getting it from counselor.
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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 12:44 AM
1 mom liked this

I don't think it is a place for support really, you get opinions and hopefully you can find something that helps you find some understanding of your personal step challenge.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Dec. 19, 2013 at 12:51 AM

Support isn't always getting told what you want to hear.  

Yes, you can stay out of it.  I have a husband. I'm CP.  We've been together almost 10 years.  There has plenty that has gone on and he hasn't been affected by all of it.  It is my job to make sure that happens.  My ex is my problem, not his, so that doesn't affect him.  I make decisions at times without asking him if it is okay and just handle things.  My kids even live here all the time, they don't go to their father's on any weekend or weekday.  

He loves the kids, but he doesn't have to be involved in everything and that is one way to make sure that everything doesn't affect you.  

kristinbugg
by on Dec. 19, 2013 at 1:00 AM
You CAN stay out of decisions about your SCs. You CHOOSE not to.

You are not a parent to your SCs. You do not have the legal right or authority to be included in any decisions their parents make, regarding them. Your "blood, sweat and tears" mean nothing.

Marrying their father makes you Dad's wife. It doesn't make you their parent, nor does it give you the right to intrude into the parental relationship their parents have.
cLanief
by Bronze Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 1:05 AM
1 mom liked this
You can get support.. its just a lot of things asked in here really are up to the mom and dad and sm may have an opinion but it all boils down to the bioparents. I have noticed that a lot. Sometimes it is better if you don't get in the middle when the matter really has nothing to do with the sp. You're to support not just make it YOUR (general you) issue.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 7:27 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Sam.Smith:

You know what. NO I am not! I am the person who's heart, emotions, blood, sweat, and tears goes into keeping the family unit together. Just bc I am labeled "step" doesn't mean I have no heart to wear on my sleeve.



Are you saying that if it weren't for you, your DH and his kids would not be a family? that they would not have relatioships with each other?

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 8:45 AM
3 moms liked this
Can you imagine a place where SMs (or SFs) come to vent about "their" issues and everyone else pats them on the back and no matter what the issue says, "We support you!"
"Put BM in her place!"
"You're a mom, too, do what you want! After all it's called stepMOM!"
"File for custody despite the fact your husband didn't give a flying rats ass until you came into the picture. You are the best thing that happened to those kids since..."
"You're a better mother than the SKs actual mother, let the kids and BM know it"
"Oh, you are having a baby with DH... Great, cancel that CS to his other kids!"

It would be a shit f*** and everyone's custody issues would get worse. This group helps SMs to keep the peace in the blended family, not encourage or support drama/bad decisions/or a wrong state of mind.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 9:06 AM
2 moms liked this
I think there is actually a lot of 'support' in the advice of 'stay out of it.'. So often we can save ourselves a great deal of stress if we could just let the people whose responsibility it actually is to handle these things, HANDLE them. Once the players involved are used to letting SM deal with all the crap, be the middleman, do the heavy lifting in the situation, or whatever the issue is, there are going to continue because IT IS EASIER. The veterans on here know this and that is why you see the advice 'let their parents handle it' over and over again.

At the end of the day, there is no thank you for all the work - not from DH, not from BM, and not from the kids. There is no award. There may be resentment. There may be accusations. There may be legal battles. There may be cries of 'you're not my mother!' All of which can be avoided by simply staying out of it. So, you see, the most supportive bit of advice given here is too simply stay out of it :)
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