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Blended family success?

Posted by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 11:23 AM
  • 48 Replies

Do you feel that your blended family is a success?  Do you feel you have a good handle on being a SM or BM or both?  

Lots of newbies wanting to know why so many BM's are in here giving advice... maybe they need to see who is successful and why.  

by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 11:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
hriabywx4
by Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 11:38 AM
I feel that we do well. My dh and I have 5 boys between us and we raised his younger brother for 7 years. I am a BM and a SM.

My ex and I have one son. We had some bumpy times in the beginning but have worked through our negitive emotions and work together for our son. It is very long distance and it can be hard.

My dh and his ex are the same, bumpy and first but realizing its not about the parents negative emotions but about the well being of the boys!

My ss's BM has always supported me as a secondary caregiver to her children when they were at our house and I respect that she is mom!

Same goes for my son's SM. She is a caregiver in her home, I expect my son to be respectful and follow their rules in their home.

It's really about all parties doing their best to be consistent with the children, supportive and respectful. It can work but it takes work!

BTW I am a CSM and a NonCSM. One ss lives with us and one lives with BM. DH and I also have 2 boys that are ours.

Hope all that wasn't confusing! Lol
KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 11:51 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm a BM only, not a SM, and my family life is pretty successful.
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:04 PM

I feel like I'm always learning as a mom.  I've got a handle on it, overall,  I'm CP to two kids who live with me and my husband 100% of the time now.  They have for a few years (almost 5).  My husband and my kids really don't have the issues that so many of the SMs on here complain about because *I* don't pawn my kids off on him.  My husband is respected because I made sure that happened.  My husband is listened to because I didn't allow it not to happen.  I make the rules, I enforce the rules and my husband does as well.  

We recently had a discussion where he explained he doesn't feel like the kids parent because he doesn't know what it is like to be a parent.  He was honest and I liked that.  He doesn't have his own kids, he doesn't know what it is like to be a parent to kids.  But even if he did?  He'd not know what it is like to be a parent to other people's kids.  This doesn't mean he doesn't love my kids and that they don't love him, it means that we have a situation where my husband respects that the kids have two parents and even though one sucks he's not a replacement.

I handle the big things, I am the "go to" person (parent even - IF my ex does call and ask the kids something I hear "I need to ask my mom about that" instead of just allowing their father to make a decision - my son even listens to his older sister over his father - he isn't the greatest decision maker and she knows that and she feels the need to protect her brother when I'm not around).  I'm the one who makes the decisions, who calls the shots.  

We don't fight over my kids because there is no point in that.  We fight, he gives his opinion, I may or may not do what I want anyway.  He has known that from the beginning - not because that is how it happened but because he saw that was how it happened with his own parents and SPs.

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:15 PM
1 mom liked this
Stop. Or you will see "fruits" of your parenting when your son grows up to be forever "whinny momma boy". Or man who can't decide anything for himself and let's his wife to dictate all decisions.
Then you will become MIL from hell.

That what happens when mother calls all shots and dad has no authority. You constantly undermine their father's role and your kids learned to do the same from you.
If you were decent parent you would make sure your children respect their dad, not only your H.

Quoting packermom4ever:

I feel like I'm always learning as a mom.  I've got a handle on it, overall,  I'm CP to two kids who live with me and my husband 100% of the time now.  They have for a few years (almost 5).  My husband and my kids really don't have the issues that so many of the SMs on here complain about because *I* don't pawn my kids off on him.  My husband is respected because I made sure that happened.  My husband is listened to because I didn't allow it not to happen.  I make the rules, I enforce the rules and my husband does as well.  

We recently had a discussion where he explained he doesn't feel like the kids parent because he doesn't know what it is like to be a parent.  He was honest and I liked that.  He doesn't have his own kids, he doesn't know what it is like to be a parent to kids.  But even if he did?  He'd not know what it is like to be a parent to other people's kids.  This doesn't mean he doesn't love my kids and that they don't love him, it means that we have a situation where my husband respects that the kids have two parents and even though one sucks he's not a replacement.

I handle the big things, I am the "go to" person (parent even - IF my ex does call and ask the kids something I hear "I need to ask my mom about that" instead of just allowing their father to make a decision - my son even listens to his older sister over his father - he isn't the greatest decision maker and she knows that and she feels the need to protect her brother when I'm not around).  I'm the one who makes the decisions, who calls the shots.  

We don't fight over my kids because there is no point in that.  We fight, he gives his opinion, I may or may not do what I want anyway.  He has known that from the beginning - not because that is how it happened but because he saw that was how it happened with his own parents and SPs.

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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:20 PM
I have decent relationship with SD. She is respectful to me. DD loves her SF and she likes her SM very much.
I am on good terms with SM.
BM is different story. She hates everyone who is associated in any ways with DH.
I have no interactions with her, I try to ignore her craziness, and I never want to parent SD.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:42 PM

I think I am successful as a SM and as a BM. We have no drama and I get along well with my stepkids. 

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:48 PM


Quoting annabl1970: Stop. Or you will see "fruits" of your parenting when your son grows up to be forever "whinny momma boy". Or man who can't decide anything for himself and let's his wife to dictate all decisions.
Then you will become MIL from hell.

That what happens when mother calls all shots and dad has no authority. You constantly undermine their father's role and your kids learned to do the same from you.
If you were decent parent you would make sure your children respect their dad, not only your H.

My son is a mama's boy.  He loves his mama.  He's also a sweet, independent, intelligent funny kid who would do anything for anyone.  He is very protective of me - and his sister and his grandmas as well as his father and SF.  
Dad has no authority because he doesn't want it.  He has always allowed the kids to tell him they will ask me, even when they saw him.  He has no authority now because that is what he taught them.  
However, he was raised that way.  He is American by naturalization.  He was raised in an Asian culture and in that culture there are clear gender roles that many Americans now scoff at.   And men are seen as uber important in that culture.  I do not raise my son that way, or my daughter.  I raise them that men and women are both improtant.  
While he has been in American long enough to understand things are not the same here as they are in his culture and has adopted many of the American ways of doing things the kids are not an area he has stepped up in and that is his choice.  He wants authority? He needs to act like it.  Otherwise, you and other women get no say in it.  
Keep in mind that how a male treats his mama is a good indication of how he'll treat your daughter.  My husband is the same way with his mom that my son is like with me -loving, respectful, honest, and caring.  I wouldn't marry a man who didn't treat his mother well (again).   I'm not saying my ex didn't treat his mother well, just not with the respect she deserved for running that family and doing everything that needed to be done - but her own husband wasn't all that respectful at home either - only in public.
And don't attempt to insult my child again.  
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:50 PM
1 mom liked this
My family is successful, all the members are valued, secure and content in the unit. The challenges that SS faces he knows is between his parents not me nor is it because of my children.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:58 PM
No none is attempting to insult your children. Relax.
Your Ex was raised in Asian culture. So what? It has nothing to do with the way you are raising your kids.
Two wrongs doesn't make one right. Your D shouldn't undermine her dad authority and your son doesn't need to be taught he had to listen to his sister over his father.
Father has to step up how? You are stating you call all shots and your kids don't have to listen to their father.
You are American, but you are acting
as if you were born in the same culture as your Ex. Your attitude is no better than of ex-SM. She called all shots and screw up royally, isn't she?

Quoting packermom4ever:


Quoting annabl1970: Stop. Or you will see "fruits" of your parenting when your son grows up to be forever "whinny momma boy". Or man who can't decide anything for himself and let's his wife to dictate all decisions.

Then you will become MIL from hell.



That what happens when mother calls all shots and dad has no authority. You constantly undermine their father's role and your kids learned to do the same from you.

If you were decent parent you would make sure your children respect their dad, not only your H.



My son is a mama's boy.  He loves his mama.  He's also a sweet, independent, intelligent funny kid who would do anything for anyone.  He is very protective of me - and his sister and his grandmas as well as his father and SF.  
Dad has no authority because he doesn't want it.  He has always allowed the kids to tell him they will ask me, even when they saw him.  He has no authority now because that is what he taught them.  
However, he was raised that way.  He is American by naturalization.  He was raised in an Asian culture and in that culture there are clear gender roles that many Americans now scoff at.   And men are seen as uber important in that culture.  I do not raise my son that way, or my daughter.  I raise them that men and women are both improtant.  
While he has been in American long enough to understand things are not the same here as they are in his culture and has adopted many of the American ways of doing things the kids are not an area he has stepped up in and that is his choice.  He wants authority? He needs to act like it.  Otherwise, you and other women get no say in it.  
Keep in mind that how a male treats his mama is a good indication of how he'll treat your daughter.  My husband is the same way with his mom that my son is like with me -loving, respectful, honest, and caring.  I wouldn't marry a man who didn't treat his mother well (again).   I'm not saying my ex didn't treat his mother well, just not with the respect she deserved for running that family and doing everything that needed to be done - but her own husband wasn't all that respectful at home either - only in public.
And don't attempt to insult my child again.  
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 1:20 PM
Yes I think so.

I am BM to my two sons, 19 and 15. SO is ncp BD to ss 12, 10, and 5. We have eowe fri-mob and we'd overnights. We usually have the skids one night out of BM's weekend as well. My ds are here all the time, their dad lives far. In addition we have mutual ds, 8 months.

I parent my kids, he parents his and we coparent our baby. I support his decisions w his and me mine. Neither of us overstep. I do most of the parenting w mine and he coparents w BM. We are civil w all BM and BD. All the kids get along most of the time and are respectful to step parents so far. I'm not naive enough to think as the skids become teens things may change. They see me as dad's partner because their mom is active and that is fine w me. They are quite fond if me and I of them.
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