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IM READY TO COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN!

Posted by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 8:50 PM
  • 58 Replies

My husband and I have been married for 7 months.  I love him fiercely, but I really do not care for his daughter.  She is manipulative and very childish.  She is 11 years old.

I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt on many occasions.  Her mother is a deadbeat and my husband has tried to compensate for that.  Unfortunately, discipline was not high on the list of things he should instill/implement.  

I teach 4 year olds.  My students know how to say please and thank you, they clean up after themselves and they don't whine!  Yes, you heard me!  No whining!  

His daughter cries, complains, whines, asks the stupidest questions...and could not put a taco together without whining and wiggling in her seat.  Everytime we are with her I want to put in ear plugs and zone out.

I was raised with manners.  If I ever acted that way in public, I would have been in serious trouble.  When he asks me why I don't warm up to her I am honest...I tell him I expect more out of that age.  He gets mad and starts snapping at me.  "Children should be children" he snaps.  I agree...but there is nothing wrong with a child having manners and showing respect.

I understand that he is a father and he needs to be with her.  (she lives with his mom)  But I will be honest...I really thought I'd get more of his time once we got married...you know, enjoy the honeymoon stage a lot more.  I'm lucky if he gets home before ten and I'm still awake.  He works super long hours and does see his daughter after work which I understand and respect.  However...we are MARRIED.  Shouldn't I be number 1 sometimes?   Once he comes home, she will call non stop about dumb things "where's my sweater?" "Can I watch tv?"...

The other day, we argued about Christmas Day.  I told him now that we are married, I expect him to wake up with me on Christmas.  He said "No, I am going to be with my daughter"  Before I got really pissed off, I calmly said "I understand that but I am your WIFE and this is what I want.  She can stay the night here.  We are going to my parents for breakfast"  He then asked if I was going to be nice and then I just lost it.  I told him I was sick of being second all of the time and tired of being looked down on for my personal beliefs and upbringing.  He NEVER sees what she does or how she acts.  I'm already tothe point where I want to NOT do family things because he's always scrutinizing ME and ignoring his child who is picking on her younger cousins, making messes, whining about things she doesn't have, etc.

How do I not shut down?

by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 8:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Jaghd810
by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 8:56 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree an 11 year old should have manners but, I'm wondering if there is anything psychological which needs to be addressed?  Her behavior seems a bit excessive for her age. Is she going through puberty early and no one is noticing?  Girls go through that younger and younger and it's hard for the young ones to deal with.

Jaghd810
by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 8:59 PM
4 moms liked this

As for his time, I don't understand why you thought things would have changed once you were married. What if the tables were turned?  What if he thought you would become perfect and loving stepmom once married?  I'm sure you would be upset and say you knew this is how I was before so why do I have to change now?  Expecting someone to change behavior because he now wears a ring is manipulative and ignorant. 

kellynh
by Kelly on Dec. 21, 2013 at 9:12 PM
6 moms liked this

Save yourself a lot of heart ache, time, money, and emotional investment. File for divorce... You aren't meant to be in a blended family. It's not for everyone. No shame in admitting it and getting out now. 

Curiousity would just LOVE to know why NEITHER parent has custody of this child. 

KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Dec. 21, 2013 at 9:28 PM
2 moms liked this
Where is mom and dad and why do neither of them have custody of their child?
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 9:33 PM
4 moms liked this
Maybe you need to look at her situation a little differently. She probably is not emotionally 11. She may be emotionally 3.

Dad isn't around a lot. Mom isn't around. Sounds like the kid is kind of abandoned. How would she mature emotionally, She probably needs a LOT of attention. She is probably wildly insecure.

Maybe change tactics, stop competing with her. She is a kid. Maybe if you tried giving attention and care. Helping her to grow by caring and teaching that it isn't a competition. But a family. One that she is an important part of, where she doesn't need to compete for attention and love because there is enough to go around.

If you cannot open up. And provide love. You should leave;
Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 9:38 PM
2 moms liked this

You can be number 1 when your SD isn't there. If you don't like the child, then disengage completely from her, be a dad's wife.

Oh and it sounds like the behavior of a preteen.. they are WAY ruder and cruder then 4 year olds

kristinbugg
by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 9:56 PM
2 moms liked this
Umm....if his daughter were truly a priority to him, he would have custody of her. Being her FATHER should come before anyone and anything else.

She is his child. He does need to make her needs his first priority. He should be with his child on Christmas. For you to demand that he be with you and do what you want for Christmas is ridiculous and childish.

Hopefully Dad continues to make his child his first priority.
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Dec. 21, 2013 at 10:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Geez, how long did you know this man before you married him?

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 10:25 PM
3 moms liked this

Are you sure you are not 4? When there are kids yes the majority of the time they are number 1. Certainly Christmas is all about the kids. I don't think you are prepared to be with a man who has a child.

KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Dec. 21, 2013 at 10:56 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting chzcayke:

My husband and I have been married for 7 months.  I love him fiercely, but I really do not care for his daughter.  She is manipulative and very childish.  She is 11 years old.  

This is pretty on par for a CHILD of this age..

I have tried to give her the benefit of the doubt on many occasions.  Her mother is a deadbeat and my husband has tried to compensate for that.  Unfortunately, discipline was not high on the list of things he should instill/implement.  

And how is this the girls fault?  This is clearly in the category of parenting fail, but rather than looking at it honestly that this is DHS fault because of the lack of parenting from DH, you somehow think she should know better and act the way YOU think she should act.

If DD is living with Grandma, then clearly DH isn't stepping up to the plate to take on the parenting role. For the amount that he is involved, It is evident that Dad is raising his daughter the way he sees fit, and who are you to try to change that?

 Obviously you saw how he was raising his daughter when you were dating, did you not?  You must have felt comfortable enough with it in order to say "I do"  Or were you expecting that once you were in the picture things were going to change?

I teach 4 year olds.  My students know how to say please and thank you, they clean up after themselves and they don't whine!  Yes, you heard me!  No whining!  

His daughter cries, complains, whines, asks the stupidest questions...and could not put a taco together without whining and wiggling in her seat.  Everytime we are with her I want to put in ear plugs and zone out.  

This is pretty typical behavior for children who are 1) taught that its okay to act this way or 2) They aren't getting what they need on a core level.  She doesn't live with her Mom, she doesn't live with her Dad...have you ever stopped to think about what SHE might be going through ? A young child who has no coping skills?  

How she may not feel loved or wanted or accepted? And now you come along and want to sit and judge her and tune her out because you cant deal with her? Im sure she can pick up on disdain for her, and I am certain she feels a shift in competition for her fathers time and priority.  This only adds to her feelings of insecurities that she has... and you wonder why shes acting out?

I was raised with manners.  If I ever acted that way in public, I would have been in serious trouble.  When he asks me why I don't warm up to her I am honest...I tell him I expect more out of that age.  He gets mad and starts snapping at me.  "Children should be children" he snaps.  I agree...but there is nothing wrong with a child having manners and showing respect.

It isn't about you and what you expect of her, she isn't your daughter. Obviously your tone puts Dad on the defensive. I don't know any parent that appreciates the judge mental attitude about their children from a non-parent.

I understand that he is a father and he needs to be with her.  (she lives with his mom)  But I will be honest...I really thought I'd get more of his time once we got married...you know, enjoy the honeymoon stage a lot more.  I'm lucky if he gets home before ten and I'm still awake.  He works super long hours and does see his daughter after work which I understand and respect.  However...we are MARRIED.  Shouldn't I be number 1 sometimes?   Once he comes home, she will call non stop about dumb things "where's my sweater?" "Can I watch tv?"...

Saying you expect to be #1 indicates that you are in competition with DHs daughter and expect him to put you first over his daughter.  How can you as a fully functioning adult, expect a parent to not put their children first? You know the ones, who aren't fully functioning and depend on their parents to guide them through this thing we call life.  

Of course a wife should be a priority to her husband, its kind of the job of the man of the house to make sure everyone is getting what they need. There should be plenty of opportunities where you can have husband and wife time, although it may not be at the same time when he is with his daughter.

I don't know that there is a honeymoon stage when you marry a man with kids. Once you say I do, you've entered into an insta- family, with family members who have been around a lot longer than you...

The other day, we argued about Christmas Day.  I told him now that we are married, I expect him to wake up with me on Christmas.  He said "No, I am going to be with my daughter"  Before I got really pissed off, I calmly said "I understand that but I am your WIFE and this is what I want.  She can stay the night here.  We are going to my parents for breakfast"  He then asked if I was going to be nice and then I just lost it.  I told him I was sick of being second all of the time and tired of being looked down on for my personal beliefs and upbringing.  He NEVER sees what she does or how she acts.  I'm already tothe point where I want to NOT do family things because he's always scrutinizing ME and ignoring his child who is picking on her younger cousins, making messes, whining about things she doesn't have, etc.

Now that we're married? So you expected him to change his yearly tradition with his daughter? Were you not invited to be included in this family tradition? My bet is you were.. but "now that you're married, you expect things to be done your way."  So are you just going to sit at home stomping your feet, not willing to budge because your hell bent on getting him to send a message to his daugher that now you're in the picture she isn't as important? A message it doesn't sound like he's willing to send.

It is obvious that you have a DH problem, not a SD problem. You don't agree with how he's raising his child, but rather than taking it up with him and working through it so you're both on the same page, you sit in judgment of her. It sounds like he has made up his mind on how he wants to raise his daughter, isn't wanting to change that and doesn't understand why you can't let it be..

Trust me in that the last thing she needs in her life is another person to judge her, keep her at arm lenths, or not accept her. 

My suggestion to you is to look at her like a friends child. You aren't responsible for her behavior or lack there of. It is no reflection of you are you are not the parent.  Quit expecting anything of her, and if she misbehaves, let Dad deal with it.  Be nice to her, wish her no harm, find things you have in common or like to do with each other. 

If you find that you just cannot be happy unless you get him to change for you, then  by all means, own it and get out before you have children with him. You have no business being a step-parent to someone elses child if you're being more immature than she is by demanding to be #1.

You obviously are not ready to share and have some more growing up yourself my dear.



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