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My step daughter hopefully is the last bump in my road to life

Posted by on Dec. 22, 2013 at 12:45 PM
  • 63 Replies

A little about me.  I was a widow for 9 yrs raising my two sons on my own.  I lost my dad 1-1/2 yrs after I lost my spouse.  My boys were 6 and 10 when their dad died.  I remarried my husband now 4yrs ago.  He has two daughters 24 and 19 yrs old.  When I sold my home and furniture and my youngest son and I moved into his home with both his daughters.  The youngest stepdaughter has not made me feel welcomed in the home.  My husband was a widow also and lost his wife when steph was 11yrs old.  Her mom did not work and did everything for her.  I work full time 45 or more hrs a week.  She has always compared herself to my youngest son.   When I first moved in she was constantly trying to sit between my husband and I.  I was massaging my husbands neck one day while watching tv and snuggling together.  One day I came Into the room and saw my step daughter trying to massage my husbands neck.  I told her that was not appropriate for her that is what a husband and wife or boyfriend girlfriend do.  She has written her dad a few letters saying I am nothing like her mom and she wishes that it was just her him and her sister.   I have not had to deal with a very moody kid before.  She will be okay one minute and then get rude with me.  I have never punished or yelled at her.  I have asked her to clean up or pick up after herself and I get the whole attitude.   She is very ungrateful for what she has.  She wrote in her letter that "dad you use to treat me like a princess and now you don't".  "Dad your first wife should be number one but your second wife should not come before your kids".   "She also said that her house does not seem like her house any more". Several times she has mentioned her house.  Her dad has told her a few times that it was his and my house and that when she moves out and gets her own house she can do whatever she wants with it.  No matter what I say she takes it wrong and twist it to fit her rage.  The next problem she runs to her aunts and vents to her and then comes back worse.  My sweet husband is very supportive of me.  He sees how much I do and bend over backwards for his daughter.  I lost my mom now a little over a year.   I have had enough bumps in my road and just want peace.  My stepdaughter and I don't even talk now.  She has beat me down that I cry a lot.  

by on Dec. 22, 2013 at 12:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
RitaTequila531
by HushBreatheRelax on Dec. 22, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Wow...
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buttercup627
by Bronze Member on Dec. 22, 2013 at 1:06 PM
1 mom liked this
Has sd ever gone to grief counseling? She might benefit from seeing someone about losing her mom. It might also help to have a different neutral adult explain to her that just because her dad remarried doesn't mean he didn't Love his first wife or that you're replacing the mother. She's young and dealing with not only a personal tragedy but also teenage angst and selfishness :( I know it's hard to deal with and that you have your own stuff going on but jeep your chin up.
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Dec. 22, 2013 at 1:14 PM
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How old were your SDs when you moved in?  How old was your youngest son?

I could ask a lot of questions about what happened 4 years ago when you moved in, but that is all water under the bridge.  But my guess is there were other incidents like the neck rub where you laid claim on your husband at the expense of your SD and those actions brought you to where you are today.  Of course a child whose mother has died is going to be possessive of her remaining parent.  You should know that and you should have allowed her the space to do that.  

You should not do anything at this point as it relates to telling your SD what to do around the house.  It sounds like she is right - it is not her home anymore.  But it should be for the most part.  She has lived in it her entire life, you just moved in 4 years ago.  How long ago did her mother die?  Did you come in and make changes to the home?

I am not sure what you can do at this point.  Maybe just be grateful that she still has a relationship with her father?  That she still tries to talk to him?  Why is he showing you her private letters?  Is he not loyal to his daughters?  My DH and I have a wonderful, trusting, open relationship but that doesn't mean I am sharing private letters from my DDs with him.  

What do you want to do?  DO you want a relationship with his daughters or are you just counting down the days to when she moveds out and this particular bump is gone?  be careful what you wish for.  Your treatment of her could tear your marriage apart.  What will happen when his children start having children and do not want to invite you to their homes?

I think you rprobably need to be the bigger person here and offer a sincere apology to your SDs.  That is if you can really reflect on your own behavior and own your part.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Dec. 22, 2013 at 1:17 PM
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You're venting here, she has the right to as well.

Her mother died, you have sons, not daughters (they are different, I have one of each), and it was her home before you showed up and changed things.  My kids don't pay for the house we live in, but neither do I.  It is still our home.  

Why do you know what she wrote to her father in a letter?  Is she not allowed to have something private with her father without you knowing?

You walked into a situation laden with landmines.  Willingly

kristinbugg
by on Dec. 22, 2013 at 1:32 PM
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I think you should be more sensitive to and respectful of the fact that this young lady lost her mother. You moved in and took over her home. And it IS her home. She's lived there for a lot longer than 4 years.

Dad should sit down with her and let her know, wife or not, she is still his daughter and she is still as important to him as she was.

It seems that you walked into this family's life , with your children, and thought everything would change to your liking. SD is resistant to that change, as any young person would be.

How does SD compare herself to your son?
NobleStepMom
by Member on Dec. 22, 2013 at 1:43 PM

SD is 19 right?  Perhaps it is time for DH to put his foot down and send her on her way...I was out on my own long before that.  At 19 years old, she shouldn't be acting like that.  I am 27 and I have issues with my Dad's wife who isn't my mom (my parents split when I was 19) but I don't live with them and don't have to talk to her if I don't want to - I did give her a chance and she has recently completely blown that.  

She lost her mom and I'm sure that is a tough thing for any kid, but it doesn't give her the right to be a miserable human being.  I don't know how much you both like your home, but maybe purchasing a new home that doesn't have the memories associated with it might help?  

Good luck to you, I'm sure this can't be easy, but someone needs to make a change.  In Canada, 19 (and even 18 in some provinces) is the age of majority so if she wants to be miserable, time for her to start becoming an adult and making a life for herself in her own place.  I'm not saying to kick her out with no place to go, but give her the ultimatum - and in doing so, make sure you do still treat her with kindness, I'm not suggesting to be a jerk about it.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 22, 2013 at 1:56 PM
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I didn't realize that neck massages were between husband and wife. My daughter plays with my hair. My nephew has been known to give several different people including me, neck massages and shoulder massages. I've been known to moan during said shoulder massage 😆😆😆
My dad pops my back for me... There's nothing sexual or inappropriate about that.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 22, 2013 at 1:59 PM
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How does a 19 year old act? I hope my children at 19 know that their home is still open to them. My home is their home. At 19 I hope my children are in college but I would be fine with them still living at home. I don't want them out on their own at 19. I would like for them to use this as their home base and to experience life with a place to lay their heads. I still lived at home at 19, granted I was in college and had a job but I still lived with my folks. I'm wondering why the sudden rush for stepmoms to push their skids out at legal age. Most parents are fine with continuing to be the home base for their adult children while the complete school and start their lives. Which is totally fine.

Quoting NobleStepMom:

SD is 19 right?  Perhaps it is time for DH to put his foot down and send her on her way...I was out on my own long before that.  At 19 years old, she shouldn't be acting like that.  I am 27 and I have issues with my Dad's wife who isn't my mom (my parents split when I was 19) but I don't live with them and don't have to talk to her if I don't want to - I did give her a chance and she has recently completely blown that.  

She lost her mom and I'm sure that is a tough thing for any kid, but it doesn't give her the right to be a miserable human being.  I don't know how much you both like your home, but maybe purchasing a new home that doesn't have the memories associated with it might help?  

Good luck to you, I'm sure this can't be easy, but someone needs to make a change.  In Canada, 19 (and even 18 in some provinces) is the age of majority so if she wants to be miserable, time for her to start becoming an adult and making a life for herself in her own place.  I'm not saying to kick her out with no place to go, but give her the ultimatum - and in doing so, make sure you do still treat her with kindness, I'm not suggesting to be a jerk about it.

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GlockMom
by Gold Member on Dec. 22, 2013 at 2:03 PM
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Who are you to tell her any contact with her dad is inappropriate? It's not. I find it quite inappropriate actually for you to be be placing sexual meaning to innocent actions. I guess the neck massages I still get from my daddy are wrong? Whatever. It's seems you think you and your kid moving in should change how she lives within her family? I wouldn't like you either if I were her.
GlockMom
by Gold Member on Dec. 22, 2013 at 2:06 PM
2 moms liked this
This will totally make her not hate you. Kick the kid out of her home, effectively get rid of that bump in your road of life!!

Worst advice EVER.


Quoting NobleStepMom:

SD is 19 right?  Perhaps it is time for DH to put his foot down and send her on her way...I was out on my own long before that.  At 19 years old, she shouldn't be acting like that.  I am 27 and I have issues with my Dad's wife who isn't my mom (my parents split when I was 19) but I don't live with them and don't have to talk to her if I don't want to - I did give her a chance and she has recently completely blown that.  

She lost her mom and I'm sure that is a tough thing for any kid, but it doesn't give her the right to be a miserable human being.  I don't know how much you both like your home, but maybe purchasing a new home that doesn't have the memories associated with it might help?  

Good luck to you, I'm sure this can't be easy, but someone needs to make a change.  In Canada, 19 (and even 18 in some provinces) is the age of majority so if she wants to be miserable, time for her to start becoming an adult and making a life for herself in her own place.  I'm not saying to kick her out with no place to go, but give her the ultimatum - and in doing so, make sure you do still treat her with kindness, I'm not suggesting to be a jerk about it.

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