How to disengage from the skids without your DH feeling separate from you?
I'm a childless SM. I disengaged from my skids a long time ago. When my DH and I first married, I tried too hard to compensate for the disparities between his role in their lives and mine. I made all the rookie mistakes of thinking that if I just got them to like me, then I wouldn't feel so separate from my husband, we could actually feel like a family. But it never happened.
In the first year of our marriage, my infertility was harder to deal with than it'd ever been before. There were nights that I would just cry myself to sleep because it was so hard to see my husband live the life that I wanted to be living, only he was living it with another woman, the woman that gave him his kids. The unconditional love, affection, and attention he got from his kids - knowing that I would never get that - was too difficult to watch.
So I disengaged. I do often feel like I'm living a separate life from my husband, but I've learned to deal with it and accept that this is just how it will be until his kids are grown and/or we have our own together.
So now, a year and a half later, when his kids are here, I pretty much stick to myself. I talk with the kids when they talk to me, and I'm nice to them, but I no longer go out of my way to try to form a "relationship".
I'm content with the way things are now. But all of a sudden now my husband is the one feeling like we're living separate lives, because of my standoffish behavior when his kids are here. But that's because they're not here to see me, they're here to see him, and I don't think of them as my family.
And when I tell him I don't think of them as my family, it upsets him and makes him feel like we're living separate lives. But the whole reason I disengaged to begin with was because we were so separate before, and disengaging was my solution to it.
So my question is, how do you disengage from skids without feeling separate from your husband, considering the kids are obviously a big part of his life?