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S/O Clothing between homes

Posted by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 1:44 PM
  • 47 Replies
I've been giving this issue some extra thought over the weekend, owing to the recent post on clothing exchanges.

When SS comes in clothes that do not fit, the clothes are returned, clean, to BM in a bag by DH and he will explain that they did not fit. Sometimes BM will continue to put the ill fitting (could be too small, could be too big) item on SS; after this happens a third time, the item is not returned.

It recently happened with underwear. They are size 8-10 (SS is 4 and true to size) and fall off his butt. BM's BF's two sons reside with them now and the first time it happened we figured it was a laundry mix up on a crazy morning, NBD. But it just kept up. So, like the too tight shoes that kept appearing, they are no longer being returned.

So here's what got me: Is this exactly the same thing but from a different angle?
Is there a better way to handle it?
by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 1:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ChelseNichole
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 2:24 PM
BM sends my ss6 in clothes that don't fit also. SO and I are thinking how can you not see these pants are hanging off his body?! When that happens... If they're too big... I will put them away with a few other items of clothes that are too big... He will eventually grow into them. If they're too small, I get rid of them. I usually give them to my cousin for her son who is a few years younger than my SS. We've had to do that with shoes too. BM buys him shoes that are size 13... He wears an 11.5-12... Depending on the shoe. She had him in sandals that were a size 13 last year... He kept tripping over them because they were so big. He actually fell and scraped his knee up pretty bad from tripping over them. We bought him some that fit and threw the others in the closet.
4sweetart
by on Dec. 30, 2013 at 2:39 PM

My ss's mom used to send him in shorts and a t-shirt with no jacket in the winter. It's very cold here. So when we picked him up we would have a coat in the car. After sending him home with a coat to be nice, thinking maybe she would let him wear it back, nope. Next time we picked him up it was shorts and a t shirt again. We ask SS about the coat and he said she gave it to her other son. She used to take all the nice clothes we'd. Give him and put them on her other children so we stopped sending things and unfortunately SS has to run from our car in the same clothes she sends him in. We can't afford to keep sending things for her to use with her four other boys. 

He has tons of really nice stuff here but has to share all of his stuff at bm's because she has boys all close in age. DH is never late with support but she uses it for other things I guess.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 2:51 PM

When SD came to us in clothes that there too small we'd get rid of them. Including size 6 underwear when she was wearing size 10 :(

Stuff that's too big we always sent back.

Now, DH is CP this isn't so much of an issue. We send SD to BM's in clothing that fits, SD packs a bag of clothes to wear at BM's during the weekends, and SD comes home in whatever she went to BM's in on Friday.

sara82lee
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 3:06 PM
Both ss and sd (different moms) have younger siblings, so I wouldn't toss anything that's too small if it was still in good shape. Same with things that are too big.

SS is usually decently clothed. The only issue we ever had there was a coat that he left in DH's van, and he didn't even realize it was left in there. BM took DH to court over it, and he got to the judge without even knowing what was going on. She never asked him directly about it at all.

SD wears some atrocious things to our house from her mom/grandmother though. Grandma actually asked DH to start sending clothes with her for weekends. . . Ummm no. BM doesn't pay any support and we can't afford for things to not come back (and they don't). But we do send all of the things sd outgrows to BM for her younger daughter.

I've always been of the opinion that what happens in our house stays in our house, and what we buy in house house stays here as well. BM needs to take her own responsibility for her kid. I don't think us trying to make up for her lack ever did anything for sd in the long run.
aeELE
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 3:43 PM
He did send the older boy's underwear back, twice, but then SS wears them back a few weeks later. DH is frustrated bc he told her, twice, but it doesn't seem to matter. Even if he is dressing himself, he's four, he isn't doing his own laundry.

Which is why DH decided to keep them, so SS couldn't be dressed in them. The problem is that puts us in the same category of "clothing keeper" that we found so irritating.


That really stinks about the super small undies. I get uncomfortable just thinking about it.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

When SD came to us in clothes that there too small we'd get rid of them. Including size 6 underwear when she was wearing size 10 :(

Stuff that's too big we always sent back.

Now, DH is CP this isn't so much of an issue. We send SD to BM's in clothing that fits, SD packs a bag of clothes to wear at BM's during the weekends, and SD comes home in whatever she went to BM's in on Friday.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 6:28 PM

 BM doesnt do this but one thing she does do is buy ss5 pants that are too big, CARPENTER pants (hello, the 90's want their pants back) and she buys them new too. lol SO and i dont like them and neither does ss5. so he switches to different pants over here.

but they are in good condition.

Doodle39
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 7:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, it can be viewed that way.  But, I think a true clothing keeper is more obvious.  We've been on both sides.  The first winter I was with Dh, we went through 5 winter coats, because BM would keep them and blantantlytell him " Well, Mr. Money bags buy him another one."  He was 2.  DH said the year before she typically brought him back in a diaper. The thought of him not having a coat was ridiculous in my eyes.  We bought a bunch of inexpensive coats and weathered the storm and had a back up in the car.  After a while of Dh not responding she got tired of the game.  Eventually they got to a point where DH could purchase a coat, boots and shoes designated for exchanges. 

But, on the other hand we've kept clothing because it didn't fit.  We would send him back in clothes that fit and were clean.  Not his best clothes but typically something that was presentable and new.  My mother-in-law loves to shop for SS.  Sometimes we have different taste.  Usually the gifted items that we were less likely to wear on him replaced the ill fitting clothing.  That way if she really didn't have the funds to purchase things, she and SS benefited from the gifts, but we weren't frustrated when they weren't returned. Typically we would wash her items and send them back as well. However, I have to admit, we shelved some items that were really big and tossed some that were really small.  I just couldn't see sending him back with underwear and socks that were digging into his skin, size 3 pants worn as shorts and fastened with a gum-band when he was wearing a 5 or pants 3 sizes too big tied with string or rolled, that were tripping hazards.  

I don't know if there's a better way, but I think the most important thing is not to sweat the small stuff.  Also to keep in mind the child's comfort.  If the other parent doesn't seem to have clothing that fits why not make sure they have something more comfortable.

LNLMommy
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 8:00 PM
BM may send SS or SD in too small or too big clothing but I think it's because she doesn't want to send any decent clothes to our house. Not sure why since I make it a point to wash and put the clothes away so we return them in the clothes they came with.
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 8:44 PM

We avoided this by buying skids clothes to wear when they were at out house and sending skids back home in what they came in (laundered). It's not much on the weekends. Now we are custodial they take a bag to bm's but everything comes back. She doesn't have space to keep their stuff there.

aeELE
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2013 at 8:54 PM

I completely agree w you, and we don't sweat it. I mentioned in the other post how it used to be irksome when things weren't returned. So we stopped sending clothes over there when we could manage it, and when we couldn't it was something we never needed to see again. Folding clothes last night, I came across the offending underpants and held them up- DH said "no," (as in no, they aren't going back again). As I was putting them in the bin of "confiscated" items though, I couldn't help but muse, to BM would this make US the clothes keepers?

It doesn't matter if does or doesn't, truly, not with her history. It was on my mind in a "shoe on the other foot" kind if way. Thanks for your input. 

Btw, I also have a habit of sending of sending some of MIL's gifts when our tastes don't match, ha. 

Quoting Doodle39:


Yes, it can be viewed that way.  But, I think a true clothing keeper is more obvious.  We've been on both sides.  The first winter I was with Dh, we went through 5 winter coats, because BM would keep them and blantantlytell him " Well, Mr. Money bags buy him another one."  He was 2.  DH said the year before she typically brought him back in a diaper. The thought of him not having a coat was ridiculous in my eyes.  We bought a bunch of inexpensive coats and weathered the storm and had a back up in the car.  After a while of Dh not responding she got tired of the game.  Eventually they got to a point where DH could purchase a coat, boots and shoes designated for exchanges. 

But, on the other hand we've kept clothing because it didn't fit.  We would send him back in clothes that fit and were clean.  Not his best clothes but typically something that was presentable and new.  My mother-in-law loves to shop for SS.  Sometimes we have different taste.  Usually the gifted items that we were less likely to wear on him replaced the ill fitting clothing.  That way if she really didn't have the funds to purchase things, she and SS benefited from the gifts, but we weren't frustrated when they weren't returned. Typically we would wash her items and send them back as well. However, I have to admit, we shelved some items that were really big and tossed some that were really small.  I just couldn't see sending him back with underwear and socks that were digging into his skin, size 3 pants worn as shorts and fastened with a gum-band when he was wearing a 5 or pants 3 sizes too big tied with string or rolled, that were tripping hazards.  

I don't know if there's a better way, but I think the most important thing is not to sweat the small stuff.  Also to keep in mind the child's comfort.  If the other parent doesn't seem to have clothing that fits why not make sure they have something more comfortable.


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