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Sorry, not good enough for me... *vent*

Posted by on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:01 PM
  • 29 Replies

DH and I just got in an argument about MY DD9 going to BM's with SD.

I said NO, that she couldn't go. BM house rules consist of no rules at all for the most part, and they(the adults) engage in things that I personally do not agree with, such as smoking weed and drinking in front of any and all kids.Often these things have lead to violence in the past, and I want NO part of it for DD. DH has talked to BM about these types of things, but it is ultimately BM's choice as to what goes on in her home. I can control DD being there, I can't control SD having to go back home. DH is pissed b/c he thinks I am basically saying it is OK for SD to see/hear the things that go on there, but it's not OK for my DD. I could try to explain til I m blue in the face, but it would do NO good. WE have ZERO say about that home, BUT  *I* have 100% say about my DD going there, and the answer is freakin NO!

Lilypie - (ZEi4)


by on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:04 PM
1 mom liked this

It's not you saying that it is okay for SD to here/see the things going on in the house-- it is you saying that you do not agree with them and do not want your daughter exposed to them.  Like you said, nobody has a choice if SD goes to her mom's-- you do have a choice to not let your DD go into a situation where you are not comfortable.  


elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:07 PM

Exactly, but DH went all " you think DD is better than SD" on me. No, that's not it. DD saw plenty before I left her dad, and I see no need to send her someplace that isn't going to be good for her.

Quoting AmericanDream:

It's not you saying that it is okay for SD to here/see the things going on in the house-- it is you saying that you do not agree with them and do not want your daughter exposed to them.  Like you said, nobody has a choice if SD goes to her mom's-- you do have a choice to not let your DD go into a situation where you are not comfortable.  



Dewinter
by Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:17 PM

 I agree with you, my dd would not be going to a household like that. You do not have a say with sd, and if you did she would not be going over there. The fact that your dh wants your dd to go into a possibly abusive/ neglectful environment to make the girls "even" would be flashing huge red flags in front of my eyes.

It sounds like there has not been an incident with sd so far, but imagine if you where to send your dd over there, who is going to protect her? Your dh's ex?

Also if your sd is beaten while someone is in a drug fueled rage, does that mean your dd is beaten to make it even?

Good luck, stay strong

 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:18 PM

You are 100% correct.  It sounds like your DH is frustrated that HE doesn't have the right to say no to his DD going to his XWs home, so he's lashing out at you.  That's not right but it sounds like what is happening.  I'm sorry. 

You may not help him see reason tonight but, sometime soon, when his DD isn't going to BMs, perhaps you can sit down and let him know that this is NOT about your DD being 'better' than his DD, but it is about what you do have control over, versus what he does. 

Quoting elisesmom922:

Exactly, but DH went all " you think DD is better than SD" on me. No, that's not it. DD saw plenty before I left her dad, and I see no need to send her someplace that isn't going to be good for her.

Quoting AmericanDream:

It's not you saying that it is okay for SD to here/see the things going on in the house-- it is you saying that you do not agree with them and do not want your daughter exposed to them.  Like you said, nobody has a choice if SD goes to her mom's-- you do have a choice to not let your DD go into a situation where you are not comfortable. 

elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:40 PM

There have been a few incidents with SD, but little we could really do. Someone would die if DD were to go there and something happened. I did let DD go once in the past, and was very unhappy with her first hand accounts of what goes on at BM's. DH's frustrations stem alot from the fact that he USED to live that way, and chose to change, but BM didn't hardly at all. Anytime he brings it up, he gets the "you think that you're better than me now" speech from BM.

Quoting Dewinter:

 I agree with you, my dd would not be going to a household like that. You do not have a say with sd, and if you did she would not be going over there. The fact that your dh wants your dd to go into a possibly abusive/ neglectful environment to make the girls "even" would be flashing huge red flags in front of my eyes.

It sounds like there has not been an incident with sd so far, but imagine if you where to send your dd over there, who is going to protect her? Your dh's ex?

Also if your sd is beaten while someone is in a drug fueled rage, does that mean your dd is beaten to make it even?

Good luck, stay strong

 


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 5:59 PM

Why does your DH want your DD to go to BM's so badly? Is he looking for a babysitter?

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 6:01 PM
1 mom liked this

That's not how it looks to me.

To me it looks like DH is trying to convince the OP to let her DD go to BM's (for a child-free night, maybe?), and she won't. So he's basically saying it's good enough for SD, so it should be good enough for DD. 

Why not just hire another babysitter?

Quoting jules2boys:

You are 100% correct.  It sounds like your DH is frustrated that HE doesn't have the right to say no to his DD going to his XWs home, so he's lashing out at you.  That's not right but it sounds like what is happening.  I'm sorry. 

elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 6:08 PM

Even if DD were to go, we wouldn't be kid free. DS2.5 and DD5 would still be here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Why does your DH want your DD to go to BM's so badly? Is he looking for a babysitter?


elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 6:10 PM

We have a go to sitter, and we wouldn't be kid free either way.  DH doesn't think SD should have to deal with what goes on at BM's, but there is little to do about it at this point.

Quoting whatIknownow:

That's not how it looks to me.

To me it looks like DH is trying to convince the OP to let her DD go to BM's (for a child-free night, maybe?), and she won't. So he's basically saying it's good enough for SD, so it should be good enough for DD. 

Why not just hire another babysitter?

Quoting jules2boys:

You are 100% correct.  It sounds like your DH is frustrated that HE doesn't have the right to say no to his DD going to his XWs home, so he's lashing out at you.  That's not right but it sounds like what is happening.  I'm sorry. 


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Dec. 31, 2013 at 6:11 PM
1 mom liked this

Then why does he want your DD to go to BMs?  how did the subject even come up?

Quoting elisesmom922:

We have a go to sitter, and we wouldn't be kid free either way.  DH doesn't think SD should have to deal with what goes on at BM's, but there is little to do about it at this point.

Quoting whatIknownow:

That's not how it looks to me.

To me it looks like DH is trying to convince the OP to let her DD go to BM's (for a child-free night, maybe?), and she won't. So he's basically saying it's good enough for SD, so it should be good enough for DD. 

Why not just hire another babysitter?

Quoting jules2boys:

You are 100% correct.  It sounds like your DH is frustrated that HE doesn't have the right to say no to his DD going to his XWs home, so he's lashing out at you.  That's not right but it sounds like what is happening.  I'm sorry. 



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