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Bio Mom Makes S*#t Up Out of Nowhere!

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 8:23 AM
  • 14 Replies
Jeez. Although I try very hard to always remember that I am lucky to have the mostly-peaceful relationship with my sd's bio mom I have, as opposed to some hatred-fuel vendetta toward me, I....just....can't. Right now. *sigh*. She literally pulls something out of her ass, and obsesses over it, hounding me and/or my hubby (the father, obvs) about it . I know you readers' first thought is "Ignore her", but you must just take my word that she makes this impossible. If you can imagine trying to end a disagreement countless times, but no matter what you say, it falls on deaf ears cause the other person is just DETERMINED to be mad at all costs. My sd is 3,and her father (my hubby) has full custody of her (basically, I've raised her since before she turned two, due to bio moms addiction, pending felonies, and overall inability to properly care for another human safely). Anyway, my husband and I suddenly received her rant, via text last night, saying how disturbed she is that I want to put sd in pageants, followed by a million reasons why she won't "allow" it. I have NEVER mentioned pageants, participated in one, been to one, or made a joke related to the subject. It was effing INSANE. I calmly explained that there must be some confusion, to which she insisted I was blatantly denying the truth. I then took the high road, as usual, assuring her that if she somehow got that impression, I am now giving her my word that I would never dream of such a thing, unless she and my husband mutually decided to put her in one, and it was being paid for by someone other than us (we save for her college with any extra money), otherwise, I feel as strongly against as she does. She continued her same arguement, this time using the fact that I said id support it in the event that she and my husband decided to do it as basis for concern. I wanted so badly to say "ARE YOU A COMPLETE MORON!? ARE YOU DEAF!? ARE YOU HIGH!? FOR CHRISTS SAKE, YOU LUNATIC!!!..." and so on, but I had already allowed myself to get caught up in her nonsense to a degree, at this point, so I quit wasting breath, and silenced my phone for the night. A couple more example of her crazy bs are the time she said that "concerned former high school friends of ours" (we went to the same hs, didn't know one another, graduated 3yrs apart, and neither of us have socialized with anyone from back then in at least ten years) were "coming to her" to inform her that I have been "going around town" telling everyone I speak to that my as is actually MY child, and I force her to call me "mommy". Also, a week after I innocently asked Bm if sd's hair had ever been trimmed (id suspected it hadn't, and it had become a neccessary thing at this point), to which she answered no, agreed that the time had come, and volunteered to take her the next time sh has visitation (every other weekend, SUPERVISED). Said visit came and went, no trim, no mention by either of us to one another on the matter, then the NEXT visitation rolled around. I got the text an hour after dropping sd off, saying sd "told her" that id had her hair cut, how dare I, I am a back stabber, she is CRUSHED that she was basically deprived of the most important developmental event of her childed life, and blah blah. Uh....other than the moment I was brushing her tangled split ends post-bath a month earlier, and whispered "Man, we need to get your hair cut soon" to myself, my as has had zero exposure to words or actions haircut-related in my prescience, up to that moment. Of course, I denied it, and was told that bm "isn't blind or a fucktard" (said in front of as) , therefore she can see it has been cut. Alrighty. Yes, BM, I went out of my way to run the notion past you first, clearly considering your feelings as her mother and the possibility you'd want to be the one to experience it with her, only to say "eff it! I'm gonna take her instead!" a few days later. That makes a lot of sense. And I'm the psycho from "hand that rocks the cradle", trying to eliminate you so I can play "mommy". You have cracked the case, supermom! Idiotic *eyeroll*
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 8:23 AM
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by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 8:25 AM
Clearly, in my post, I meant "sd" where it says "as", but my phone is as dumb as my sd's mother.
by Gold Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:19 AM

I know its easier said that done but ignore her. Shes only starting drama w/u therefore; there's no reason for her to communicate w/you. She can talk to your dh about anything pertaining to their daughter. Dont answer any calls from her and don't respond to any texts.

One time bm in my sitch told her mom (nana) that I didn't want nana around the kids when I've NEVER said anything remotely like that. My sk's love their nana and I would NEVER get in the way of their relationship. I can understand where you would be frustrated by all of this but there is no need for you to communicate w/her.

by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:27 AM

 the BM has issues and addiction. i am in shock that you have gotten along with her thus far.  the bm sounds as though she is having control issues and someone may be fueling her as well.i believe that when y give someone the opportunity to do something and they don't, then it is OK to take the lead. basically get her hair cut. when a person talks, texts or whatever rudely it is up to y or HUS to stop the conversation and do not continue until she is rational. don't reply to the texts or answer the phone if need be. y have to let her know this is not correct behavior and it want be tolerated. also the BM is manipulative. pick up a few books on addiction and y will understand the BM better.

by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:45 AM
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First: your husband can respond to bm. There is no need for you to talk with her except perhaps to hand the phone to him or the child. Did you procreate with her? No. He did. His problem.

Second, you will be happier if you don't obsess about bm or what she says. Does she have the right to set limits like "no pageants". Sure. Who needs to deal with that? Your husband.

Third, hating or being a angry (long term) the mother will harm the child. It is a waste of your energy and there is no need. There are plenty of things that piss me off that I can do little about: terrorists, waste, children dying of curable diseases. Bm is also one: I cannot fix her, help her, mold her to my liking. She can't do that to me either, so we have a similar problems.

I can however reduce the impact and try to make peace when possible. She has a different agenda than I do. That is fine.

Calm down. Let go. Take a break, move on.
by Silver Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 10:13 AM
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I agree with chanizen. Why is she even contacting you at all. She's hubby's crazy xwife not yours. Tell him to leave you out
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 10:15 AM
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All wonderful advice. I needed a reminder that it is up to my husband to handle these things. I got waay too involved at the beginning.g of all this, allowing myself to become the "middle man/buffer/messenger" between them, granting them the luxury of never having to speak whatsoever for like the first year or so following his custody gain, which is obviously redic in hindsight. A few months back, our child services rep (who has been a savior to me as a voice of reason for me so often) held a meeting with us three, and basically told them to cut the shit and be adults, forcing them to co-parent. It was awesome, and they have both put forth great effort, as I stepped waaaay back, going with the flow. I have fallen into those old habits a bit, and truely have zero concern about her opinion of me or what I have or haven't done/said, so I have no reason to entertain it. I appreciate you ladies making me realize the need for me to run as quickly as I can back to "fu*k it" mode, and stay there. I have a child to help raise, and I will make sure she does not become at all like her mother if it kills me! Ok, that was dramatic, but you get my point. I have too much to do to play childrens games with a clown. Thanks.
by Silver Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 10:28 AM
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It is very common for people with drug addiction to also have a mental disorder. She sounds a bit schizophrenic. They typically have episodes where they will be normal followed by episodes of paranoia (thinking that people are talking about her, the tv is talking about her or to her etc. also if she is on drugs then she may be high and whacked out when she says crazy things. It won't help you deal with her but perhaps it gives you some understanding. I am not sure it will do any good to try to talk her down off her ledge when she says these things, best to say goodbye and hang up and wait it out. Good luck.
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 4:46 PM
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Sounds like she has nothing else better to do with her life but to make ppl feel the way she does. Dh needs to deal with her crazy butt. I don't even make eye contact and pretend my skids mom isn't even there when we pick them up.
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 8:45 PM

I could not read your whole post due to a lack of paragraphs.  However, I think I got the gist of it, and my advice is to read up on addict behaviour.  This is pretty normal for an addict.  You cannot expect an addict to think or act rationally.  This is why your dsd lives with you and not her.  I know you cannot ignore it, but you can insulate yourself and your daughter as much as possible.  

by Silver Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 9:52 PM
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My BM isn't an addict, but she still makes up crazy shit... Example, she put in court documents that she believed DH borrowed money from her own BM (DH's exMIL) to buy my engagement ring. This is hilarious since my ring is a family heirloom, so the only thing DH had to "pay for" was my parents' love, affection, and, most importantly, approval! 

Other than being polite when we end up in each other's company (chance grocery store meeting, school function, etc), we do not speak. She doesn't even have my phone number, to my knowledge. We live in the same town; when any mutual acquaintances bring her up I tell them that I am not interested. I only ever admit to the things that bother me about her anonymously on here and to my mother, sister, and best friend. I don't even discuss her with MIL and SIL, and they wouldn't mind listening at all. 

These are the coping mechanisms that help me avoid negative feelings about her, because I recognize those feelings will only hurt my SS. He's worth it; that's where I try to keep my focus when having trouble staying positive about her. 

It's been hard. I posted (vaguely) about it last week or so ago. I wish I had more for you. Good luck. Stay strong. Limit contact. 

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