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Am I Wrong For Wanting This?

Posted by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:07 PM
  • 24 Replies

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. Like many married couples, we discuss hypothetical situations and "what ifs?" such as "If I were in a coma and I was not going to recover, I want you to pull the plug." and "If something happens to me and you get remarried, I will not be mad because I would want you to be happy." No, it is not morbid. We want to respect each other's wishes. One of the things that we discussed was that, if he died before I did, than I would still want to have a relationship with my stepdaughter. She lives with us full time and sees her mother every other weekend. I have taken on the role of mother to her and I would still want a relationship with her if her father passed away. Also, she has a relationship with me and my family and her step-siblings and her half-brother and it would traumatize her to lose all of us. My husband spoke to his ex wife about it and she said that that shouldn't be a problem. She also teased (though my husband thinks she was half serious) about continuing our current custody arrangement, if my husband dies, only with me having custody and she gets her every other weekend like she is now. I honestly would have no problem with that. Leslie, my husband's ex, is a workaholic. The reason we got custody in the first place is because she made partner at her law firm and started working around the clock and Anna was with sitters and at the day care all day long. When my husband and I were engaged, he was going to take her to court to fight for custody but she eventually agreed to change the arrangement around. Now, instead of being with sitters and day care workers all the time and being alone in the house with her mom, she lives with me, my husband, and my two kids. She loves being with us.

Leslie's mother hates my relationship with my stepdaughter and resents my parents' relationship with her as well. They are pissed at her for making that arrangement with my husband and I. They think that, as the wicked stepmom, I should just sit on my hands and never say a word to her, never discipline her, never play with her or spend any quality time with her because I have no right to acknowledge her existence because she isn't really my child and she is at my house to spend time with my husband, not me. Instead, I treat her like she is one of my own kids and they hate that. My husband's ex, however, loves that I am like a mother to her daughter. She and I are pretty good friends and we do things together like Christmas shopping for the kids and we plan my stepdaughter's birthday parties together. We coordinate presents together as well.

I hear a lot of people, on CM and in real life, say that the only good thing about loosing their husband has been/would be getting rid of their step kids. I love my stepdaughter and I can't imagine a future where I don't have the relationship that I do now. Am I so wrong for that?


by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:15 PM

I would miss SS if DH passed or if he and I divorced. I am CSM so i get it

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:20 PM
Nope you aren't wrong for that. I hope that if something happened to me that my husband would be able to see my daughter because they have a good relationship and because my husband and I share a child. Stepparents can be wonderful influences and having very loving and meaningful relationships with their stepchildren. I know my stepdad and I are very close and I love him like I would a biological parent. For 30 years he has been in my life. What other people think is not your business. I've always been told that. Her parents can hate you or whatever but why do you care?
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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:23 PM

Those people can only speak to their personal situation which is very different from yours. You aren't wrong, and it is accpetable in your situation.

Quoting Razzle_Dazzle1:

.....

I hear a lot of people, on CM and in real life, say that the only good thing about loosing their husband has been/would be getting rid of their step kids. I love my stepdaughter and I can't imagine a future where I don't have the relationship that I do now. Am I so wrong for that?


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:25 PM

If DH passed away, I would fight to have custody of SD with BM continuing her current visitation schedule.

paulswifey11
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:27 PM
You are not wrong. I'd have custody of my"ss" if dh died and I would fight to keep said custody. I also would want to have "sd" I'm my life. Her mother would definitely be okay with that too. I wouldn't want my family to be anymore turn apart than they would be if dh died.
Taylor5kids
by on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:38 PM
It's funny that you posted this, because my DH and I have had this conversation before. I know for a fact that if something were to happen to me that my DS9 would still want to live with my DH. His BD and I have joint custody on paper; however, he hardly ever sees his dad and when he does go with his dad he is always asking when I can come get him. My DH would probably not let the issue go without a fight if it did look like he was going to be cut out of my DS9s life, but BD does appreciate my DH and I think he knows that DH being his SF has not only been good for my DS9 but good for BD too.
My DH has 2 daughters of his own, but they are only here EOWE and wed-Thursday morning every week. They have also hit that age where it seems like they always have other more interesting and fun things planned when we are supposed to have them, so the time with them has become very sporadic. When we had this conversation my DH never mentioned his wishes for if he were to die before me, bc he knows that I would not fight for any time with them. Sure. Maybe that will change down the road, but at the moment, it's not happening.
Razzle_Dazzle1
by Member on Jan. 1, 2014 at 11:44 PM

I have a stepdad too, and a stepsister and stepbrother. My father passed away when I was 4 so he had no biological father to compete with if something happened to my mother. My stepdad is a wonderful father and grandfather to me and my kids. I love my step-siblings and their kids.

Quoting momof2ex1: Nope you aren't wrong for that. I hope that if something happened to me that my husband would be able to see my daughter because they have a good relationship and because my husband and I share a child. Stepparents can be wonderful influences and having very loving and meaningful relationships with their stepchildren. I know my stepdad and I are very close and I love him like I would a biological parent. For 30 years he has been in my life. What other people think is not your business. I've always been told that. Her parents can hate you or whatever but why do you care?



CrunchMaMaBear
by Queen Crunch on Jan. 2, 2014 at 2:01 AM
Cool you and mom have such a good relationship. I think the way you come off, it would be reasonable ONLY because mom approves. If dad died, she would be the one to make that call. So no, not wrong
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 7:15 AM
Nope, you are not wrong and it sounds like it causes no conflict.

No worries then.

And since bm and bf agree, the others' opinions are really irrelevant.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 7:33 AM

We all fantasize about the what if.What if my house burned down, what if I won the lottery. Recently I have entertained myself with "what if there was a zombie apocolypse like in walking dead." I have even gone so far as to design the fence system around my house that I would build (double fence, razor wire at the top).  What if scenarios are entertaining.

If your SD's mother does in fact allow you to continue to have custody, worry about her parents at that time.

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