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We argue when ss is here! want it to stop!

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:05 PM
  • 79 Replies
I am a SM & BM. I am new here. I want to vent and/ or get "caring, compassionate" advice from other SM's, not attacked. I hope you ladies can help me.

I am on such " high alert" stress mode, when we have our ss. Actually, I'm not doing this intentionally, my body is like in a fight or flight mode and I know it is not healthy for me to "feel" this way so much. My husband and I always seem to get into one big fight when my ss is with us. I hate it! I want any advice how to stop this pattern.

I've been in my ss life since he was 1. He is now 9. I know....how can I "still" have these feelings?

I do truely love him and yes it is not exactly like my own kids but, I would walk on hot coals for my ss ! I am lucky, my ss loves me very much as well, since I've been a huge part of his life!

I know, a hard thing for to have ever overcome is, I have wanted a child together with my dh but, he did not. I'm trying my hardest to move on, but that yearning is sooo strong and I can now not have a child. I feel like I am grieving over this child I could not have.
It is quite painful. And when we have my ss, it is a reminder of what my dh and I do not have together. Of course, I do not blame my ss for these feelings.

I do however, have resentment towards my dh and anger that I try to keep deep inside me.

I would have at least loved support from my dh, but he can not give me that. I have tried counseling and they did say it is important to get support and understanding from my dh. He needs to know what a woman goes through when she wants a child and can not have that child, whether it is because of health reasons or one spouse does not want this child, the pain is the same.

Finances have made it impossible to continue couseling at this time. I am normally a strong woman but this has all thrown me off balance! I've had feelings, I never had before.

Being my kids are young adults, and no longer living at home, when we have my ss, he feels like an only child. That is something else I struggle with. For me, I wanted more than one, so they could play together, have a connection and companion later in life with eachother when I am gone.

Ss is with adults almost all the time when he is here, except durring school. Not many friends here because the school he goes to is a city away (bms choice). We will however, hope to get him involved in some "kid friendly" activities here. Its hard when its a week on and a week off, as most things like swimming, art classes go for 2 wks straight or more.

Anyway, I am not trying to whine, just explaining a little of my situation. Wondering if anyone else out there is in a similar situation? Thanks for taking the time to read this!


by on Jan. 3, 2014 at 11:05 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Jdonalson
by on Jan. 4, 2014 at 12:19 AM
1 mom liked this
I know how you feel about being anxious when ur ss comes. I feel the same. You may try a preacher or clergy for advice too. Since finances are hurting your attempts at counseling. What do u m ur dh fight about when ur ss is there.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 8:11 AM
4 moms liked this

It sounds like your issue is with dh and feeling undervalued and unattached.  

Why would you start over with another?  Surely you could use that time for yourself to go for walks, visit friends.  It's like a free pass to have a girl's night, go to yoga,  visit your parents.  Maybe get a second job on those weekends so you have a little money for counselling.  If you don't have money for counselling, you don't have money  for another child.

happymommy1105
by Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 8:24 AM
2 moms liked this
I feel anxious when sd is here. I actually dread her coming.

For a while, I couldn't figure out why I felt this way.

Then it hit me last week. Both her and SO treat me like a piece of crap when she is here. And I can't stand it so then I stand up for myself and we get into a fight. Then I am blamed for starting a fight and causing problems and ruining people's weekends.

When in reality if I were extended some common courtesy and treated decency then a fight would never happen.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 8:54 AM
4 moms liked this

This is the route of your problem, which you have already identified.

I feel your husband is selfish for not understanding how important it is that you continue counseling, and the two of you should also be in marriage counseling. When one partner has resentment toward the other, it becomes a marriage issue.

Quoting sunnyside-up: 

I know, a hard thing for to have ever overcome is, I have wanted a child together with my dh but, he did not. I'm trying my hardest to move on, but that yearning is sooo strong and I can now not have a child. I feel like I am grieving over this child I could not have.
It is quite painful. And when we have my ss, it is a reminder of what my dh and I do not have together. Of course, I do not blame my ss for these feelings.

I do however, have resentment towards my dh and anger that I try to keep deep inside me.

I would have at least loved support from my dh, but he can not give me that. I have tried counseling and they did say it is important to get support and understanding from my dh. 
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 9:25 AM
Sure it would. You are pissed at him.

What does "treating you like crap" mean, specifically?

I mean, they are going to want time to re-bond and may even focus on each other.

Do they call you names, swear at you, hit you, say mean things?

How do you stand up for yourself and over what issue?

Quoting happymommy1105: I feel anxious when sd is here. I actually dread her coming.



For a while, I couldn't figure out why I felt this way.



Then it hit me last week. Both her and SO treat me like a piece of crap when she is here. And I can't stand it so then I stand up for myself and we get into a fight. Then I am blamed for starting a fight and causing problems and ruining people's weekends.



When in reality if I were extended some common courtesy and treated decency then a fight would never happen.
kellynh
by Kelly on Jan. 4, 2014 at 9:34 AM
1 mom liked this

This..

And I would Hazzard a guess that the resentment you feel towards your husband is also extending towards ss which is where the anxious feelings/anxiety is coming from. That's not exactly fair (or healthy) is it? 

I would highly suggest getting a weekend job to afford serious counseling. The feelings are not going to go away until you are at a more healthy place of having no more children. In fact, the resentment you feel will continue to build.. Probably become explosive over simple things (like OMG.. Ss didn't put down the bathroom seat... Not a big deal at all... But will become so to you as time progresses) 

This isn't a blended family issue. Many nuclear families go through this... One wants another child and one is totally opposed. It only becomes a blended family issue when resentment extends to ss for something 100% not his fault. 

Quoting whatIknownow:

This is the route of your problem, which you have already identified.

I feel your husband is selfish for not understanding how important it is that you continue counseling, and the two of you should also be in marriage counseling. When one partner has resentment toward the other, it becomes a marriage issue.

Quoting sunnyside-up: 

I know, a hard thing for to have ever overcome is, I have wanted a child together with my dh but, he did not. I'm trying my hardest to move on, but that yearning is sooo strong and I can now not have a child. I feel like I am grieving over this child I could not have.
It is quite painful. And when we have my ss, it is a reminder of what my dh and I do not have together. Of course, I do not blame my ss for these feelings.

I do however, have resentment towards my dh and anger that I try to keep deep inside me.

I would have at least loved support from my dh, but he can not give me that. I have tried counseling and they did say it is important to get support and understanding from my dh. 


kellynh
by Kelly on Jan. 4, 2014 at 9:38 AM
1 mom liked this

I spent a few months in this place. It's not good. For that matter, it takes a long time to undo the mess this thinking causes. The stepkids feel this and will react.... Like kids... Guaranteed!! 

Learn how to disengage or reaccess if blended family life is what you reall want. 

Quoting happymommy1105: I feel anxious when sd is here. I actually dread her coming.

For a while, I couldn't figure out why I felt this way.

Then it hit me last week. Both her and SO treat me like a piece of crap when she is here. And I can't stand it so then I stand up for myself and we get into a fight. Then I am blamed for starting a fight and causing problems and ruining people's weekends.

When in reality if I were extended some common courtesy and treated decency then a fight would never happen.


teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 10:04 AM
3 moms liked this
My husband went through a period of time where he wanted me to have another baby.
His daughter was 3 when we met. My son was 13. He got past that phase (thank god)
If that was truly something that he truly wanted-he would have had to find another woman to do that with. I'd have understood. A part of that desire was love & watching me with children in general. I've a lot of family/friends and little ones in my life & my energy toward them (according to my husband) is just beautiful...
But at the end of the day, I did not want to have anymore children & he's thrilled I never agreed (now)
His desire passed by. Our life is amazing. We have freedoms we wouldn't have had if we had another child. It took time.

One of the things we do with my SD who is an only child...we plan things with my nephews and other children. We just had 8 children here for New Year's Eve. A sleep over. Ages 3-14. It's become a tradition. Kids party - no parents allowed!!! :)
My husband and I have a blast. Children are just so funny...& he comments every year about how it is cool to have so many kids around. It brings him joy.

There are other ways to fulfill that desire. It's certainly not the same as having your own... But what would happen if you created something with children to fulfill that desire ?

Maybe you wouldn't be so upset and maybe you wouldn't fight so much when SS is around...
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 10:11 AM

I honestly don't think it's very fair for you to compare your struggles with those that cannot have kids. That is an enormous pain for many and you can have kids you just chose to be with a man that did not want anymore kids. I think it's also unfair to lay blame at your dh and resent him or your ss for it again you need to accept some personal responsibility for your choices. Why did you marry a man who did not want kids when you wanted more?

happymommy1105
by Member on Jan. 4, 2014 at 11:24 AM
He has hit me before. He has only hit me three times, all three times when she was here.

After he hit me, of course, we had a major fight.

He yells at me when she is here. He does not yell at me when she is not here.

I will yell back at him.

He will tell me that I have to sleep on the couch when she is here because she wants to sleep in our bed and he sleeps in her bed.

She will purposefully eat food that is mine, as in, literally has my name on it. And then tell me to my face that she wanted it and her wanting it is more important.

He will leave me and my kids stranded places for hours on end with no money, no car and no means to get anywhere, refuse to answer the phone and then yell at me for being upset.



Quoting chanizen: Sure it would. You are pissed at him.



What does "treating you like crap" mean, specifically?



I mean, they are going to want time to re-bond and may even focus on each other.



Do they call you names, swear at you, hit you, say mean things?



How do you stand up for yourself and over what issue?



Quoting happymommy1105: I feel anxious when sd is here. I actually dread her coming.





For a while, I couldn't figure out why I felt this way.





Then it hit me last week. Both her and SO treat me like a piece of crap when she is here. And I can't stand it so then I stand up for myself and we get into a fight. Then I am blamed for starting a fight and causing problems and ruining people's weekends.





When in reality if I were extended some common courtesy and treated decency then a fight would never happen.
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