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Respect or lack there of

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:07 AM
  • 30 Replies
There has been a running argument between my husband and I about his son. I have 2 ss. The 11 yr old lives with us and his 7 yr old lives with their mom. (They have the same parents) I have many complaints when it comes to the 11 yr old but most the time I say nothing until the disrespect gets to frustrating to handle. I'm brash enough to take him on myself... after all I have a 13 yr old daughter and we have a 3 month old son together. His son doesn't listen to me and usually ends up with a crap attitude and I'm the one who gets to deal with him most often... is it just me or does it just seem like a slap in the face when u go to your husband for help in raising THEIR son and all u get is yelled at b/c u r being "negative"about a child that u pretty much raise on your own and you didnt even birth the monster!!! Do they not see that their kids give you no respect b/c they see how much their father's dont respect you when they dont discipline their children for not respecting you??? (I know this is confusing).... is their anyway to combat this situation or am i just SOL?
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
minimoo
by Gold Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:20 AM
How long have you been in his life? How often does he actually see his dad? Why does dad have one and mom the other?
jmc1979
by New Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:33 AM
We have been together 3 years. He has been divorced for 4 yrs. The 11 yr old is ADD/ADHD and is difficult to handle just b/c he's "busy". She couldnt handle him nor gets him very often. (She lives 30min away) his dad sees him everyday.
jmc1979
by New Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 2:35 AM
Oh mom has the 7yr old b/c he's the baby and easy to handle... really she pays no attn to either child... her mom has the little one most of the time.... she refuses to let him live with us.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 7:35 AM
6 moms liked this

This is your problem (in red below). Your husband has left the dirty work to you.  

My advice is, stop being "the one who gets to deal with him." He needs a parent taking care of him. You are not his parent. He needs his dad to be in charge, not a substitute.

Quoting jmc1979:  His son doesn't listen to me and usually ends up with a crap attitude and I'm the one who gets to deal with him most often... 


jmc1979
by New Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 7:42 AM
Thank you!!! That is what I've been telling him!! But of course thats not what he wants to hear... lol

Quoting whatIknownow:

This is your problem (in red below). Your husband has left the dirty work to you.  

My advice is, stop being "the one who gets to deal with him." He needs a parent taking care of him. You are not his parent. He needs his dad to be in charge, not a substitute.

Quoting jmc1979:  His son doesn't listen to me and usually ends up with a crap attitude and I'm the one who gets to deal with him most often... 


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 7:44 AM
3 moms liked this

So put it into action...

chose a few of the child care tasks that you do (driving? making school lunches? bedtime? homework?), and tell your husband that you would like him to do these things from now on. This is called "disengaging." It is a technique designed to get the father more "engaged" in the care of his own child.

Quoting jmc1979: Thank you!!! That is what I've been telling him!! But of course thats not what he wants to hear... lol

Quoting whatIknownow:

This is your problem (in red below). Your husband has left the dirty work to you.  

My advice is, stop being "the one who gets to deal with him." He needs a parent taking care of him. You are not his parent. He needs his dad to be in charge, not a substitute.

Quoting jmc1979:  His son doesn't listen to me and usually ends up with a crap attitude and I'm the one who gets to deal with him most often... 



CrunchMaMaBear
by Queen Crunch on Jan. 5, 2014 at 8:20 AM
I agree with PP. You should not be doing the bulk of raising HIS child. He needs to step up and raise his own kid
kellynh
by Kelly on Jan. 5, 2014 at 9:30 AM
4 moms liked this

How often do you refer to him as a monster and do you do so in front of ss and/or DH? If so, with what tone? With my 2yo, I'll say to him, " Come here little monster." And ruffle his hair. It's very loving and respectful. Remember, respect works both ways.

You say you "say nothing until it gets too frustrating to handle" and then what?? Do you snap because of your frustration level? If so, that is what DH is seeing and responding to. He is not seeing the stress level rising, he is only seeing, " She's snapping at my kid..again!!!" I would thoroughly reccommend WIKN's advice on disengagement. Tell DH what tasks you will no longer do. ( don't go overboard.. If you are cooking dinner.. You wouldn't exclude a meal for ss.. That would be cruel and NOT what disengagement means) Your frustration level will ease.

Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:27 AM
I do know what you mean. My sd doesn't disrespect me..but she does know she can get away with everything. Dh allows her to. So because dh yells at ds when sd tells on ds..she does it constantly but when ds did it he got in trouble for it. Sd hit ds this morni g and dh yelled at ds to stop being mean. Really sd is the one that was being mean. So sd sees this and uses it..so i get ffrustrated. Not at sd but dh.
Stupid stuff like ds spilled something...dh will yell at him but if sd does it he doesn't say a word to her. Just pretty much lets sd get away with stuff well ds moves the wrong way and he gets in trouble.
It can be very stressfull. So i feel that way when sd is here sometimes but not because of sd.
Like right now dh took ds with him and it's just me, sd, and dd. It is very relaxing and peacefull. Sd is great kid when it's just her.
So i can understand what you feel but a little different because dh wouldn't allow sd to talk to me rude or anything. If i tell him she didn't listen to me that day..he says something to her. So we don't have that problem. Just dh..and it's funny because he tells me not to baby ds when he babies sd. Lol
I hope you feel better.
Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Jan. 5, 2014 at 11:34 AM
I also do everything for my sd. I have her more than dh and bm combined. So i can understand..and i know when i was told to say no to watching my sd...well it isn't that easy. I have been in her life since she was 2. I always stayed home and had her every other week. So for a few years i have done this..i can't just stop now. I love my sd and want to do all i do for her..if i just stopped i think that would really hurt her. Dh has done so much for me and our kids..and our family would fall apart if i just stopped doing everything for sd.
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