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Would looking into BM getting supervised visit be justified?

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:02 PM
  • 23 Replies

First, let me say that this is NOT my situation. A friend brought this scenario to me asking for my input as a SM. I figured since many here are pro BM it might be a good opportunity to hear whether your thoughts on the subject are the same or different.

BD and SM are custodial. BM has EOWE visitation but only uses it once a month (one overnight usually fri-Saturday). THe child is an 11 yo girl.

In the last year the BM has had 4 different boyfriends. She met them at the grocery store, online dating website (2 of them), and a car repair shop. - I don't know if where she met them is important but detail in case it is.

Guy #1 - lived in a motel, said he traveled a lot, BM met him online and introduced the girl to him the following week. Took the girl to the motel with her where they all spent the night then BM left the girl at the motel with the guy who she (the girl) had met twice while BM went to work. At the time of the sleepover BM had known the guy for 1 month (if that) - BD didn't know about this until the girl came home. Nothing happened thank God.

Guy #2 - BM met this guy at the grocery store. He moved in 1 week after them meeting, and the girl had not met him yet when he was already living in the house. BM made the girl go with him to the grocery store alone even though the girl wanted to stay with BM.  BM allowed the guy to drive her car with the girl and herself in the car with him while he was drinking. He would drink starting in the morning and BM would buy him beer (on one occassion they stopped 3 different places in 1 day to get beer because he ran out). After the BD found out he called the BM to tell her he had an issue with it. The guy grabbed the phone from BM and threatened the BD and told him they would be coming to take the girl from him.(relationship lasted 4-5 months).

Guy #3 - BM met him online. He moved in 1 week after they met (same scenario as above). BM often left them alone together even though the girl would beg BM not to. (relationship lasted 4-5 months)

Guy #4 - BM met him at a car repair place. BM met him a few days before he was coming to her house and the girl found out about him and met him that first day. They don't know if he has moved in as this all happened right before Christmas.

The SM and BD are concerned for the girls safety. They do not know these random people and honestly either does the BM. They feel BM has just been really lucky that nothing has happened to the girl while in BM's care and that BM has given these men plenty of opportunity to harm the girl. So, would it be concerning to you and would this qualify as a reason for supervised visits based on BM's choices?

by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kellynh
by Kelly on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:09 PM

Since nothing has happened, I don't think it will be changed. However, it could be written into the co.. No overnight visitors unless related by blood or marriage. 

thecircus8
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:11 PM
As much as it sucks and its morally wrong, if there hasn't been abuse there is not much the BF can do... just try to mitigate the damage and model good relationships.
minimoo
by Gold Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:12 PM
3 moms liked this
I can definitely understand the concern. I cringed just reading this.

From a legal standing, I'm not sure if this would be enough to get supervised visits (although, if he had evidence that he was drinking and driving with the kid in the car, at least here, That would be child endangerment). Personally, I would think the best route would be to go through dhs. First step would be to discuss his concerns with mom (depending on the laws where she lives, record the conversation for evidence), then if mom doesn't seem to get it, contact dhs with their concerns. They can interview the girl to collect a statement and determine whether they have enough to proceed with recommending supervised.
progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:14 PM
How does BD know all these details about the men (that they lived in hotels, drove while drinking and stopped multiple times for beer, etc.)?

BM can introduce her daughter to whomever she wants, and unfortunately, until something happens I don't think there is anything BD can do. He can talk to BM and express his concerns, but he can't dictate who BM introduces their child to during her time. It's unfortunate.
amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:14 PM

Probably not, but dad could get rofr added to the co. 

bellasmom32510
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:15 PM

When the subject has been brought up the BM whines about how BD can have someone in his life but apparently she isn't allowed to. BD and SM have been together for 9 years, married for 6 - not exactly the same thing.

Quoting minimoo: I can definitely understand the concern. I cringed just reading this.

From a legal standing, I'm not sure if this would be enough to get supervised visits (although, if he had evidence that he was drinking and driving with the kid in the car, at least here, That would be child endangerment). Personally, I would think the best route would be to go through dhs. First step would be to discuss his concerns with mom (depending on the laws where she lives, record the conversation for evidence), then if mom doesn't seem to get it, contact dhs with their concerns. They can interview the girl to collect a statement and determine whether they have enough to proceed with recommending supervised.


bellasmom32510
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:18 PM

He knows because when the girl comes home from the visits he asks how her visit went and she is very forth coming with info. Especially since she knows that drinking and driving is wrong and in that particular instance the girl was not comfortable being in the car so she was paying attention - she even said something to the BM about it from what I understand. Also, BM tells her a lot, she sees the girl more as a friend and so gives a lot of info to her and the girl has mentioned it to BD.

Quoting progressandjoy: How does BD know all these details about the men (that they lived in hotels, drove while drinking and stopped multiple times for beer, etc.)?

BM can introduce her daughter to whomever she wants, and unfortunately, until something happens I don't think there is anything BD can do. He can talk to BM and express his concerns, but he can't dictate who BM introduces their child to during her time.


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:22 PM

I think if the Dad filed for supervised visits, the judge would tell BM not to have any more men unsupervivsed around the girl. And BM would say "ok, I wont," and that would be the end of that.

I don't think they would win a motion for supervised visitation based on this.

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:23 PM
2 moms liked this

Dad should go over a safety plan with his daughter if she is left alone with someone that makes her uncomfortable.

Quoting bellasmom32510:

He knows because when the girl comes home from the visits he asks how her visit went and she is very forth coming with info. Especially since she knows that drinking and driving is wrong and in that particular instance the girl was not comfortable being in the car so she was paying attention - she even said something to the BM about it from what I understand. Also, BM tells her a lot, she sees the girl more as a friend and so gives a lot of info to her and the girl has mentioned it to BD.

Quoting progressandjoy: How does BD know all these details about the men (that they lived in hotels, drove while drinking and stopped multiple times for beer, etc.)?

BM can introduce her daughter to whomever she wants, and unfortunately, until something happens I don't think there is anything BD can do. He can talk to BM and express his concerns, but he can't dictate who BM introduces their child to during her time.



jamamama00
by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 1:26 PM
1 mom liked this
In my state (TX) you can ask the court for a morality clause, and list specifics on when new partners can be introduced and overnight visits and such.
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