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Step-Mom (ish) to Teens-- HELP!!!

Posted by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:13 PM
  • 10 Replies

Hello StepMoms!

I have joined this forum with hopes that I can get advice and talk to others who may be able to understand where I am coming from because there really isn't anyone in my life that can relate!  So here is the cliff notes of my story: I am newly 30 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. He is 38 and his kids are 15 (boy) and 12.5 (girl). I call myself a step-momish because we are not married however we have lived together for 5 years and my boyfriend has his kids full time. There mother is in the picture, however she only sees the kids everyother weekend and I feel like she is a mom when she needs to be or wants to be and that is it. She really has little to no interaction with the kids inbetween visits. So I have pretty much help raise them. I do their laundry, cook for them, help with homework...everything that a mom does I do. I have a great relationship with the girl. We have similar interests in (music, fashion, tv shows, books, arts and crafts, etc.) and we have always been super close since I met her when she was 6. Yes we have our moments, of course but the relationship is good. Before I go any further let me also say that I really try not to be a disciplinary figure....there have been moments where I have gotten upset with them in the past but overall I let their father do the disciplining. I also do not try and preach my religious beliefs on them because I feel like that is something that their mother or father should do, not me. So back to where I was at: My main issue is my relationship with his son (15). It isn't that he super disrespectful to me or anything like that..it is that I feel like neither one of us knows how to act around the other person. It is weird to say, I know because I am the adult. Me and him have never had this super close relationship-- not that I didn't want to, it was that I didn't know how to relate to him because as a young boy when I met him (and now) all he wanted to do was play video games and skateboard...guy things really..and him and his Dad did that stuff together. I could sense how much his daughter needed a mother figure in her life and I just did everything I could with her. Now as his son has gotten older, we really don't talk much or if I ask him something or say something to him I usually get major attitude. I am not going to lie-- I feel completely in over my head. I am only 30 and trying to raise teenagers is so hard. About a year ago, I learned his son had lost his virginity and start smoking and drinking. Now, I know that as a teenage boy in HS he is going to experiment and the fact that he is so open and honest with his dad about it is strange to me but I know his Dad is trying to steer him in another direction but at the end of the day- he is a teenager and he is going to do whatever he wants to do regardless of how long he is grounded, the advice we give, etc. Since learning this I have had an even harder time because all I want to do shake some sense into him and tell him that he is playing with fire. What bothers me the most is that in 4 years he will be graduating HS and moving on to his adult life and for as much as I have been through with these kids and this family I feel like they are my own...So I am starting to feel like if I don't have this relationship with him now, I am never going to have it, but I don't know how to back track when I feel like he just could take me or leave me. It hurts me so much when he will give everyone else a hug in the room goodbye and walk right past me. 

I know I have just done a bunch of babbling and hopefully if you are still reading this you are following me right now. I just don't know how to fix this broken relationship and would love to before it is too late!

Thank you for your help!

-AZStepmomish

by on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:30 PM

it sounds like he's comfortable with the way things are

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:46 PM

I agree with this.


Quoting Tigress22304:

it sounds like he's comfortable with the way things are


thecircus8
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:47 PM
Agree with Tigress. Don't poke a bear. Adjust your expectations a bit. If SS has an awesome relationship with his Dad just support that. I'm surprised that you're aren't having more issues with SD. Teen girls are (saying this affectionly-i am in possession of two) demons. I am also a CSM of teens and I'm in my early 30s. One day SS will come around or he won't.
Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:49 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting thecircus8: Agree with Tigress. Don't poke a bear. Adjust your expectations a bit. If SS has an awesome relationship with his Dad just support that. I'm surprised that you're aren't having more issues with SD. Teen girls are (saying this affectionly-i am in possession of two) demons. I am also a CSM of teens and I'm in my early 30s. One day SS will come around or he won't.

that's how dd9 is with dh

she's up my ass 24/7-she loves and adores her mommy-but is okay with dh being around (he's her stepfather) she doesn't seek out a "daddy/daughter" relationship-and is ok with how things are.



kellynh
by Kelly on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:50 PM

Agree with everyone else.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:53 PM
I agree with everyone above. Also - I wonder if the weirdness has to do with your age? While biologically you are old enough to be his mother really you aren't. You were still a child when he was born. Maybe be just feels weird about that. Just a suggestion.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 4:55 PM
She's only 12.5. My dd is the same are and hasn't started giving sm a hard time yet. I think that will come in the next year lol

Quoting thecircus8: Agree with Tigress. Don't poke a bear. Adjust your expectations a bit. If SS has an awesome relationship with his Dad just support that. I'm surprised that you're aren't having more issues with SD. Teen girls are (saying this affectionly-i am in possession of two) demons. I am also a CSM of teens and I'm in my early 30s. One day SS will come around or he won't.
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thecircus8
by Silver Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 5:31 PM
13 is the hardest.... lots of chocolate is needed!

Quoting momof2ex1: She's only 12.5. My dd is the same are and hasn't started giving sm a hard time yet. I think that will come in the next year lol



Quoting thecircus8: Agree with Tigress. Don't poke a bear. Adjust your expectations a bit. If SS has an awesome relationship with his Dad just support that. I'm surprised that you're aren't having more issues with SD. Teen girls are (saying this affectionly-i am in possession of two) demons. I am also a CSM of teens and I'm in my early 30s. One day SS will come around or he won't.
tabbys4
by Member on Jan. 5, 2014 at 9:54 PM

i agree dont poke.. he is a teenager.. ( honestly there horrible ) just wait till your step daughter is one.. i pray for u. now i dont have a teenage boy yet ( he is 8 ) but i have 2 teenage girls my bio who is 16 and my stepdaughter who is 14 and lives with us. i learned at times just give them there space. and i myself learned how to breath..  they will try things.. push buttons.. and be horrible brats... but in the end they are teens u do what ever you can to show them the right way.. tell them stories maybe to show you understand were they are coming from..  but in the end you have to hope they will listen..learn and turn out to be decent adults.  you do the best you can.. and hopefully one day they will look back and see that you did. im 36 and still call my mom and dad to say sorry.. for certin things that i know i did that my own are now doing. heck even family vacation camping for 4 days ( me and my family did it every year at one place ) and i do it for my kids.. who knew camping was expensive! but i now call to tell them thank u. you hope they will do the same.. hugs to u mama.. sounds like your not mamaish... you are a mom.. ups and downs and all in between. ( hugs )

shanlee42
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2014 at 12:50 AM
This was my first instinct also. The age difference is most likely the issue. I would just continue to be friendly.

Quoting momof2ex1: I agree with everyone above. Also - I wonder if the weirdness has to do with your age? While biologically you are old enough to be his mother really you aren't. You were still a child when he was born. Maybe be just feels weird about that. Just a suggestion.
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