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hard ships

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:16 AM
  • 22 Replies
Ok ,so I'm new here. I joined bc I am needing support from other step mothers. I have been married to my husband 4 years in may. We have 5 kids. 2 of our own 3 stepkids. My stepson is the reason I ned support the most. He is 7. He is a amazing kid. He is living with my husband and I. Has been for 2 years in April. My husband has sole custody. His mom spend a year in jail and drug rehab. She got out in october. She told my ss he wasn't allowed to calm me mom, bc he can only have one mommy and I'm just a "stepmom". My husband has to go to court on monday over custody she wants custody back, him livibg with her. I don't think it will rule in her favor, which will make my situation worse. She tells him everything. He already knows about court. But she will say its the courts fault or daddys fault bc he didn't let u live with me. She treats him like a friend over child. He breaks my heart everyday bc I'm not his mommy. I am nothing, is what it feels like to me. What can I do to ease my heartache and the feeling of worthless ness?
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
brendaann89
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:17 AM
Being a full time stepmom is the harfest thing I've ever experienced
korra2013
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:29 AM
4 moms liked this
Well the fact is you aren't his mommy. Nothing will ever change the fact that you didn't give birth to him. He doesn't need to call you mommy for you to be important to him. You care for him and love him and that's all that matters. As far as his mom goes well that's tough, but mom deserves to be in his life too. The best thing you can do is nothing. Sounds silly but you will have to let him discover mom on his own. And let me just tell you that you are in fact not worthless. If you are basing your worth off the opinion of the bm you will never be good enough. You don't live your life to please her. Your worth doesn't come from anyone except yourself.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:33 AM
2 moms liked this

It doesn't matter how bad of a mom his mom is, she's still his mom. And you aren't.

Doing "mom stuff" for a child doesn't make you a mom, giving birth and adoption make you a mom. There's nothing wrong with being a step-mom. Accept that. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with your relationship with him or that you are less of a person or whatever.

brendaann89
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:41 AM
His mom is she gets him every weekend. I know I'm not mom but he doesn't respect me or listen to anything I say to him. My husband works third so I'm with him most of the time. It's become a real problem with that.
kristinbugg
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 12:56 AM
BM is correct.You are stepmom. You are not "mommy". BM is still Mom.
dawnnamarie
by Gold Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:07 AM
Even if she's a shitty mom, she's still mom.

My Dh has legally had primary custody for about a year. Ss's mom went over a month without seeing ss at least twice while she was still the legal custodial parent. Its awkward sometimes when I'm at a school event with all the parents and I'm just sm. But that's all I'm ever going to be, so I've accepted that ss loves me and he knows Dh and I are the ones taking care of him
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:14 AM
2 moms liked this

There's been a big change. Expect behavioral changes. He's 7. & year olds do not have the cognative skills and emotional language to express all the changes and feelings they have when there is something big going down.

7 drove me nuts. It was a rough age. They test more and try to see what they can do to show their independence. On top of that he now probably feels like he needs to choose sides.  Try not to put him in that position. His mom loves him, that's great. Let him know that if his mom doesn't want him calling you mom that you are ok with that.  His dad can decide how to tackle court.

It will be hard for you, but don't let it show that it breaks your heart.  Encourage the relationship between him and his mom. It's hard to lose that way.

brendaann89
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:14 AM
With her she sees him every weekend calls everyother day to talk to him. Shes there for him. Thats great. We all get along around him, we don't bad mouth her infront of him. But when he comes home he is just a completely different kid. I'm not sure if she talks bad bout us to him or not he just comes home different disrespectful, to everyone, hateful to sibling. So I think something up thats not being said
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:39 AM
3 moms liked this

Then she is a VERY involved non-custodial BM.

SD's BM doesn't call or text EVER, and at least 80-90% of BM's visitation is given back to us or BM gives it to her own mom. SD sees BM maybe 8 hours total a month.

Most likely he is just adjusting to a new routine. Change is hard on kids, it doesn't matter how long they've been doing the back and forth thing, it's hard. Maybe he misses his mom so he reacts and lashes out (my SD does this and she's been doing the back and forth thing her ENTIRE life and is even in counseling weekly). There are numerous reasons why a 7 year old would have an attitude after a visit. It could be as simple as BM having different rules than BD.

Quoting brendaann89: With her she sees him every weekend calls everyother day to talk to him. Shes there for him. Thats great. We all get along around him, we don't bad mouth her infront of him. But when he comes home he is just a completely different kid. I'm not sure if she talks bad bout us to him or not he just comes home different disrespectful, to everyone, hateful to sibling. So I think something up thats not being said


Tillymommie
by Gold Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 2:42 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting brendaann89: Being a full time stepmom is the harfest thing I've ever experienced

I am CSM and have been for 3 years. My SS is 4.5 yo. Bm just became active about a year ago. It was a rough transition. Still is, she just got unsupervised visits in Oct. SS comes home with an attitude. I shrug it off. If he misbehaves and refuses to listen to me, I make Dh handle it.


There is nothing wrong with being SM. Being SM is pretty good. My husband is 3rd shift too. He sleeps when the kids at school. Your DH needs to be up when the kids get home from school and help with your SS.

You need to step back some and realize if you keep feeling this way you are going to end up resenting your SS

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