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So the post about cosleeping

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:28 PM
  • 215 Replies
3 moms liked this

How the hell does that even work when parents get divorced and new partners come on the scene?  

I look at it this way...the "original" cosleeping agreement is null and void. The parents are no longer a couple and no longer have a bed that is used with just them and their child. If a parent remarries, common sense should dictate that if they plan on sharing a bed with their spouse that the new spouse should have a say in who sleeps with them or not. To me, it doesn't matter if it was something the parent used to do all the time or not. Dynamics have changed and a new adult who is not the biological parent is now also sleeping in the bed.

 Maybe it's just me but I would think my husband had lost his mind if he had expected two girls the same size as me to sleep with us on a regular basis....not only isn't there room it doesn't feel appropriate. Had he every expected that to happen he would have been sleeping on an air mattress on their bedroom floor.  Unless EVERYONE is ok with it (including the other bioparents who are no longer in the home) I don't think it should be occuring.

What are your thoughts on this?  Does the parent who allowed the cosleeping have higher say over who sleeps in the bed or is this a decision that needs to be rethought as a couple?

by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:31 PM
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 im not really cool with regular cosleeping with skids. if a nightmare happens, sure, maybe one night, or dad can take kid back to bed and sooth them. but why would BM even WANT her kid to sleep w me?

Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:35 PM
I agree with you. We don't let any of the kids sleep with us..never have. Besides when one is sick we slept on the floor in the living room. When dd was an infant she slept next to the bed.
I don't mind letting them stay up a little late and sit in bed with us but not to sleep. Both dh and i like our bed without kids. Sometimes our 2 year old will fall asleep in our bed but we move her to hers after.
We never had this issue..both dh and i are on the same page with this..and always have been.
elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:36 PM

I don't know what post you are referring to, but here's what I did. I was a single mom for 2 yrs between Ex and DH, and both my girls slept with me when DH and I started dating. Ex had no say, when I left, he quit his job and went MIA basically.  If DH came over and spent the night, girls slept in either their room or on cot next to the bed. If anything past G-rated was going to happen, we either went to the spare room, or it didn't happen. Every once in a while, one would manage to sneak in, but always slept between me and the edge or wall, depending on where I was in the bed.

Leigh84
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:38 PM
You know ds4 crawls into our bed every night. If DH and I ever split up I know I would not want another woman in bed with " my baby" Lol I also wouldn't feel comfortable w/ds in bed w/me and a new man either. So I agree w/you the dynamics have changed and unless it's just the bp and the child co sleeping would need to stop.
kristinbugg
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:50 PM
I don't like the idea of a SP stepping onto the scene and dictating that something the child is used to doing suddenly needs to change. That's not fair to the child.

The world doesn't revolve around the SP's desires. SP is the interloper and needs to compromise.
amomynous_j
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:51 PM

well when my ex came into the picture, i co-slept AND still breastfed my then 18mos old daughter. common sense to me was to get her into her own bed at that point, which i did immeadiately!

i made it clear to SO that i do NOT bedshare and will not tolerate ANY kids, mine OR his to hop into bed in the middle of the night. we had some issues at the get-go, b/c all of the kids were used to hopping into bed with me or him before we were together. 

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:53 PM
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My husband and I were adults when we married, we both willingly came into each other's life. I was invited in and as a parent I know I choose the people I bring into my children's lives, people don't just jump in on their own.

Quoting kristinbugg: I don't like the idea of a SP stepping onto the scene and dictating that something the child is used to doing suddenly needs to change. That's not fair to the child.

The world doesn't revolve around the SP's desires. SP is the interloper and needs to compromise.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Momluv269
by Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 4:59 PM
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I do not agree with moms who think/say that every single thing that was going on before a new spouse enters a family needs to stay exactly the same, or the new "evil" spouse is not respecting the kids. The family is changing, transforming, transitioning, and many things will change. That is the reality and condition of a blended family. These changes can be made with love, support, patience, and respect. A new spouse is not going to be an outsider in her own home, in her own family (and it is her family now). It's all about communication and respect between the couple. And it is my belief that most decisions can and should be made together, acknowledging and respecting each partner's feelings. Compromises can be made.

As for this topic specifically, my 2 young children slept in my bed the couple years after my divorce. I loved sleeping with them. When I started getting serious with my now-DH, it made me think about possible re-marriage and I wanted to make the transition to the kids sleeping in their own rooms now (then), while it was still just us 3. This way, it had nothing to do with the new DH (in their view). Transition was smooth, natural, and fine. For me, I personally did NOT want to have a family bed. I wanted to be in my bed alone with my DH. In every way, my kids come 1st, but that was a personal choice for me to not want us all to sleep in one bed together.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 5:00 PM
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Generally I agree with this.

However, there are some things that may need to change, co-sleeping is one of them.

MDD has special needs and they cause some pretty intense sleeping issues. Often times she climbs into bed with DH and I, and will snuggle me and play with my hair to get back to sleep. If DH and I divorced and he was with someone else, I'm not sure how I'd feel about DD co-sleeping with them. I think in that instance, DH would have to get up and put DD back in her room and sit with her until she's back to sleep.

Quoting kristinbugg: I don't like the idea of a SP stepping onto the scene and dictating that something the child is used to doing suddenly needs to change. That's not fair to the child.

The world doesn't revolve around the SP's desires. SP is the interloper and needs to compromise.


jlg12678
by Gold Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 5:01 PM
2 moms liked this

I doubt many spouses consider their new husband or wife an interloper. And if a parent is doing things right their stepchild won't view them that way, either.

A home doesn't revolve around any one individual...kid or adult. While I agree you can't just stop doing something that you've always done you also can't expect things to just stay the same and for the spouse with the child to be able to mandate what happens when it comes to the bed the now two adults sleep in. It's just not realistic nor is it healthy.

 

Quoting kristinbugg: I don't like the idea of a SP stepping onto the scene and dictating that something the child is used to doing suddenly needs to change. That's not fair to the child.

The world doesn't revolve around the SP's desires. SP is the interloper and needs to compromise.

 

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