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Trying to find balance

Posted by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 8:33 PM
  • 17 Replies
A little over a year ago I met the man of my dreams. About 3 months after falling head over heels, I met Mr.Dreamy's amazing children. A livey litte boy and the smartest 10 year old girl I have ever met. These kiddos are awesome.
I have gotten to know both the kiddos and their father very well over the last year and I appreciate them all as human beings and the impact they are having on my life.
As wonderful as.all of this has been, I find myself struggling....
I feel very separated from them (kiddos and dad) and he deals with the ex wife so often I feel as if they are a completely separate family that I am not a part of.
I grew up in foster care and do not have a family of any kind of my own and I am use to 'sharing' families with other people but I am beginning to feel the wear and tear of feeling constantly alone. I understand that I have friends and I can make my own family (except I cant have babies because Mr.Dreamy had a vasectomy and we cant afford Invitro at the moment) but something about sharing the only person I feel I really have left in this world causes me pain.
I try very hard not to get upset when I hear ex wifes voice on the other end of his phone 5 times a day or when my entire life, both personal and work life, is scheduled around someone elses family... again.
I love him more than anything I have ever loved in this world (thank you for the attatchment issues, foster care) but I feel sometimes like I have nothing and no one and the feeling is so overwhelming...
I guess I am venting mostly because I'm not sure if there is a remedy for this kind of thing but any advice is welcome.
How can I handle this situation?
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 8:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 8, 2014 at 8:52 PM
3 moms liked this

Get yourself a good therapist.

jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 9:07 PM

a good therapist and work on NOT making this man, or any man/person, the 'only person you really have left in this world'.  This is dangerous territory.  It is NEVER someone else's job or responsibility to make you feel a certain way, that has to come from within. 

How old are you?  How old is your boyfriend?  How old is the little boy?  How long  has he been divorced? 

Growing up in foster care could (and it sounds like it has) put you in a different situation that you'll have to work on for yourself before you can work on with others.  I have family members who grew up in foster care and I'm aware of the struggles they've had with 'attaching' to others.  One seems to 'attach' to everyone, too much, too soon.  The other seems to be handling her therapy and attachment issues a bit better, but she's still a teen so there's still more to work on for her. 

Find yourself a therapist who specializes in adults who grew up in foster care as I think you may need to deal with more than one issue in time. 

If you can't, for whatever reason, find a therapist, try telling yourself, over and over, that his relationship with BM is NOT the same as his relationship with you, but it WILL happen, and needs to happen, for the sake of his children he shares with her.  The more/better/easier they get along, the better for the children.  Count your blessings that HE deals with his EX and doesn't drag you into it.  It wasn't your relationship from the beginning so let him handle it and you enjoy the peace when she's not around. 

It's NOT easy to 'share' someone differently, but, if you can change your mindframe around this 'relationship' they have, and think of it in more of a business like sense, that may help.  Yeah, they slept together in the past (that's how the kids got there), but they aren't today.  Their 'business' now is raising their shared children, and to do that successfully (not damage the kids), communication is key.  They likely communicate now more about the little boy, but as soon as his needs are 'steady', the 10yo girl will hit her teens and she'll bring new 'joy' to deal with.  ;) 

Good luck. 

AlexxT
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 9:21 PM
I ALWAYS stress appropriate communication between BM and Dad.
I'm 22, he is 28 and little boy is 7. I don't care at all that they slept together or whatever. I've slept with other people in the past. That would be irrational and hypocritical. One of my best friends is my ex.
Honestly, the 'business arrangement' thing makes a lot of sense to me.
Therapy isn't avalible at the moment though I have
wanted very badly to go. I think it would help.
As for him being ' the only thing I have' I really have tried to have friends and 'family' but I find I can't force people to stick around. Even my best friend (ex) comes and goes depending on the month.
I'm going to try and view it as business. I havent thought of this and it might help me separate the emotions.
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 9:26 PM
I felt somewhat like this early on. I never was in foster care but was single for man years and I loved SO so much I wanted it to work. It eventually worked itself out with lots of communication between SO and I. Have you told him in tactful ways you feel alone? Use I feel phrases, don't blame anyone else.
momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 9:55 PM

Maybe as much as you love him he isn't what you really want in the long run?  And you know what that is okay.  I thought I would die if I didn't marry my ex.  There were so many warning signs that it wasn't a good relationship but my feelings said stay with it.  After 10 yrswe divorced.  I thought I'll never love anyone like I loved him and I felt lost.  But then I met my now DH and honestly it was the best thing to ever happened to me.  He and I are an awesome fit.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 11:17 PM
I think bc of your background - therapy is very much advised. Your attachment to him may be caused by your un attachment to others. And there is nothing wrong with being attached at the hip. My dh and I live together, sleep together, work together, take our lunches every single day together. I have a couple of girlfriends outside of him and he has some friends outside of me but mostly we are attached at all times. However, in your case - although some what normal to feel kind of seperated - I fear for you emotionally because your feeling this way because of his kids and ex wife. Part of being with someone who has children already, is having a life that is scheduled around when they are there and when they are not. My life is scheduled around when my daughter is here and when she is not. We have two different life styles. When she is gone we have a laid back existence and free willy. But when she is back here we are on schedule and structured. And often the schedule changes so much. That actually is just a part of having kids. And while you don't have kids it's important for you to accept that the man you are with does and his schedule is going to switch around and flip flop because of his kids having two homes. Get some therapy to deal with this and maybe find some friends outside of him that will help balance the times when you feel lonely.
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Humility1
by on Jan. 8, 2014 at 11:28 PM
I know exactly what you mean I feel left out also. My parents were not involved parents and this is very hard for me also. The way I deal with this is I have therapy twice a month and I also connect with stepmoms that do not have kids. I have a great friend that is a stepmom and we connect on a weekly basis. I hope that things work out for you, take care and God bless.

Quoting AlexxT: I ALWAYS stress appropriate communication between BM and Dad.

I'm 22, he is 28 and little boy is 7. I don't care at all that they slept together or whatever. I've slept with other people in the past. That would be irrational and hypocritical. One of my best friends is my ex.

Honestly, the 'business arrangement' thing makes a lot of sense to me.

Therapy isn't avalible at the moment though I have

wanted very badly to go. I think it would help.

As for him being ' the only thing I have' I really have tried to have friends and 'family' but I find I can't force people to stick around. Even my best friend (ex) comes and goes depending on the month.

I'm going to try and view it as business. I havent thought of this and it might help me separate the emotions.
liz1432
by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 5:24 PM

 one thing i know is my son is # 1 in my life and when my DH kids are with us on weekends that is his # 1 priority. I usually just try to blend, but this does always work so I also have my own hobbies or activities to do as well.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 6:01 PM

Therapy is definitely something that you are going to need.  Hope that it is available to you as there are so many issues that you have going on and trying to cope with it all is just hectic.

As for looking at it as a "business deal" that is all it really is.  I talk to my ex every once in a while with regards to DD16,  but she is older and I can get what I need from her, which is why I talk to my ex every once in a while. 

whatIknownow
by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 6:11 PM

In a way, they sort of are a "family" that you are not part of. That's part of marrying a man with kids. There will always be something between them that you are on the "outside" of.

he needs to talk to his ex-wife a lot becasue they need to co-parent together. The more they cooperate with each other, they better they co-parent. And when mom and dad co-parent well together, YOUR life as a stepmother is much easier. So it's in your best interest to encourage their good communication and co-parenting.

And this is totally your own business but I would think the inability for this man to give you children of your own would be a significant liability and cost major Dream-man points. 

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