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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

should I be stepmom?

Posted by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 8:29 PM
  • 25 Replies
I am a mom of a 5 yr old. Her Dad & I are divorced 2+yrs. I'm also surprised to be pregnant due in April. My sons father (SF) has a 2 yrs old. His DDs mother passed away when she was 6 ms old. My SF and I are going to marry & join our families under one roof in the fall. When discussing stepparent roles he feels I need to play a more motherly role to his DD & I feel my DD doesn't need him as a dad, she has one. Here is where I have questions, he feels I should be his DDs mom, not her stepmom, he's even asked me to consider adopting her as my daughter legally when we marry. He feels I should step into this new role now as to make the transition into unity easier. I'm feeling that might make it easier for some of us but maybe not all of us. How does one just become a child's mom? If I am to be her mom why is it I feel like treating her how I would treat my DD isn't good enough? How is this fair to my DD? I guess I'm really just struggling all around here and would love any advice.
by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 8:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 8:34 PM
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Just based on your post - and your feelings (which there is nothing at all wrong with how you are feeling) just an observation - you're not at a point to consider adoption. 1. Adopting makes this child become yours. She will be equal to your dd. If you are struggling with that - adoption is not a good option right now. 2. Are you guys planning to get married? 3. How is your relationship with his dd now? How long have you known her and been in her life?

Please tell me she's not calling you mommy already?
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Boobear110
by Audra on Jan. 9, 2014 at 8:39 PM
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All this. 

Quoting momof2ex1: Just based on your post - and your feelings (which there is nothing at all wrong with how you are feeling) just an observation - you're not at a point to consider adoption. 1. Adopting makes this child become yours. She will be equal to your dd. If you are struggling with that - adoption is not a good option right now. 2. Are you guys planning to get married? 3. How is your relationship with his dd now? How long have you known her and been in her life?

Please tell me she's not calling you mommy already?


WickedPissah
by Gold Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 8:41 PM
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If you're having doubts about adoption, then its probably not a good idea. Your df seems to be pressuring you to be what he wants you to be and to do, not what you comfortable doing.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:44 PM
2 moms liked this

One doesn't 'just become a child's mom', that takes time.  Usually 9 months of prep at least.  In an adoption, there is even a waiting period.  First, you go through the process of finding and agency to work with, then counseling and home inspections and such, then searching for the right child for your family.  Still, a waiting period.  An instant mom is sure to cause problems, for one or both parties, now and down the road. 

The 'good' news is, the younger girl is 2 and your DD is 5.  While she may remember life before her SFs DD was a part of it, there won't be many memories at 5. 

How long have you and your SO been dating?  You've been divorced for only 2 years.  What is your relationship with the 2yo now?  Will you live together under one roof prior to your marriage to SO in the fall?  How often do you see the girl currently?

I'd suggest being married for a while, then worry about adopting or not adopting the girl down the road.  If SO balks at this idea, I'd strongly suggest taking a good look at him and find out why he's so adament about the adoption.  Is he marrying simply because he wants a 'mom' for his little girl or is there something else going on in his mind? 

I'd strongly suggest some pre-marriage/couples counseling as well before the fall.  As it stands, in 2014, you'll plan a wedding, get married, change your address, have a baby, join your 5yo and his 2 yo and your baby under one roof, new house rules, new 'family' structure, etc. (not all in this order).  That's a LOT of stress right there, and then to try to add in an adoption?  Sounds like a recipe for some major meltdowns ahead IMO.  Why not just try one or two things at a time? Why the rush on any of it? 

Also, 7 months pregnant isn't a good time to be making huge, life altering decisions either.  Just my opinion there too. 

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jan. 10, 2014 at 6:49 AM
1 mom liked this
I would talk to your SO (significant other -- please don't use SF -- it means stepfather here which would be weird).

I would tell SO that pushing your way into a mom role with sd might not be the best solution for sd, him or you.

I would suggest that you try having her accept you as an adult in the home and let the relationship develop over time. Perhaps you are open to adoption, but want to take it slowly rather than force it upfront.

I would also find out what he means nh wanting you to "be her mom" because if it is as simple as "treat her well, help out with sd, be willing to provide discipline" then maybe it's ok with you. Or maybe it isn't and you need to let him know what your boundaries are.
kellynh
by Kelly on Jan. 10, 2014 at 7:02 AM

You aren't ready for adoption. You will know if it happens and you are. 

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Jan. 10, 2014 at 7:28 AM
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I think adopting your SD is the right solution for your SO, but not for you. It does not sound like something you are even remotely ready for or interested in at this point. You can be her SM and THAT IS ENOUGH. If there comes a time in the future that you love her every single bit as much as your bio kids and want to adopt her, then that is the time discuss it.

For now, you need to let your SO know that you and he are getting married and that is the only union taking place. If or when the time is right to discuss adoption, YOU will bring it up. He should not pressure you or attempt to force it on you.

If adopting her if a condition of marrying him, though you have not said this, the marriage should wait. He needs to realize that you being a SM to her is a wonderful thing and that it can be enough. He also needs to know that she had a mother that needs to be a part of her life in some way. I would hate to think that if I died today, I would be erased that quickly from my toddler babies' lives. Not that I want a shrine or anything, but they still would have had a mom who loved them with every fiber of her being. That should be represented in a small way, not just replaced at first opportunity or convenience for dad.
zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Jan. 10, 2014 at 7:54 AM

I think it just may be all too soon for you. Why don't you explain that there is a lot going on right now, hello you are preggo, about to join the families, get married, perhaps move in together, all very very very stressful things. I think in a year or two you will be in a better place and probably won't mind adopting sd but for now you are just too stressed out. I would explain that you want to wait until it is sd's decision as well and at five she won't understand what is happening but Ina few years she will.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 10, 2014 at 8:04 AM
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Maybe  if your boyfriend is looking for a woman who will be a mother to his motherless child, you are not the right woman for him?

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jan. 10, 2014 at 8:51 AM
Do you want to adopt his daughter? Or you've only thought about it because he's pushing you?
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