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Tricky situation

Posted by on Jan. 11, 2014 at 11:19 PM
  • 15 Replies

I have been away from this group for months now, but some recent developments have gotten me into a predicament and I could really use some advice. Both my husband and I have some major career decisions to make and they potentially will clash with eachother and will definitely affect my skids. Just to preface, currently I am the primary breadwinner and have a solid career that I enjoy and my DH is working at a job that is not in his filed, it's just for the paycheck. Anyway, a little while back my dh was given an opportunity to possibly get his dream job, but it would require a move overseas. However, this opportunity has been put on hold for an indefinite amount of time, but dh still has high hopes for it to happen. Meanwhile, I recently learned that there is a possibilty that my entire office will shut down by the end of the year. If that happens, I will either have move out of state to work at another office or lose my job. But without my income, we would not be able to afford our house or really any house in the current area we live in with it's high cost of living, And since my field of work is very specialized, there is no other opportunites for me to work in the area that we live. I would have to get some kind of entry level job in another field and we would still barely be able to survive financially. So the issue is, my instinct is that we are best off moving to the place where my other office is located and I could keep my job and DH could look for something that is in his field, but in the meantime we could live off of just my income. DH, on the other hand, thinks his dream job will work out by then, and that we should just try to stay put and make do until that happens.  But IF DH does get that job overseas, there is almost no chance that I can stay working in my career field, and if we move to where my other office is located, DH will have less of a chance at getting a job in his field. The third option is that we stay where we are and I possibly lose my job and go on unemployment until I find something decent, but still not ideal, and DH stays where he is working until he can find something in his field. But that may mean we lose our house and cannot afford to live comfortably. All scenarios have downside. The kids will suffer in all scenarios. Moving overseas means that we may have to leave them all with BM, or just take one or two kids, but then they will rarely see the other parent. Moving out of state for my job would be the same thing, except we could do summer and holiday visitation easier. Finally if we stay put and I lose my job, the kids will lose their home anyway and we will not be able to afford to give them all the things they currently enjoy. I know consensus will probably be to put the kids first, but which scenario is best for them? IDK. 

by on Jan. 11, 2014 at 11:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
som610
by Bronze Member on Jan. 11, 2014 at 11:45 PM
I agree completely.

Who has custody of the kids right now?

Quoting mb1111:

Based on what info you have given, I think the best option overall is for you to keep your job and move to the other state.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:51 AM
It's basically 50/50 but there is no court order, it is an arrangement based on mutual agreement. Technically 2 of my skids primarily live with DH and 1 with BM. We are pretty sure that BM would not want all the kids full time, she is bipolar and gets overwhelmed easily. But DH and I realize that it would not be fair to take the kids out if state without her agreement. I have a feeling we would not take any of the kids initially but down the road one or two would end up back with us. We would of course take them for summer and holiday visitation as much as possible.

Quoting som610: I agree completely.



Who has custody of the kids right now?



Quoting mb1111:

Based on what info you have given, I think the best option overall is for you to keep your job and move to the other state.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:37 AM
1 mom liked this
Welcome back!!

Just based on what you have told us - my instinct would be for you to get the career in the other state and dh to follow along looking for a new job. Because of his situation he may have to put off his dream job until his kids are grown. It's unfortunate but it's the sacrifice we make as parents. I'm not in my dream career because well kids happened lol

It would be hard for me to be the bread winner and then to solely rely on someone who might make a better living over seas. Turning your worlds upside down and leaving all the kids here. I'm a control freak like that though. It would scare me. And it would scare me to not have a plan in place. You have almost 11 months to get this worked out before you do lose your job - I would be a nervous wreck.
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Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 2:28 AM
1 mom liked this

I think the best option is for you to take the transfer to another state and keep your job.   Your job is a sure thing and DH's dream job is just that----a dream and if it does come about, the job is overseas and when the time comes you may not decide an overseas job is worth it for your family.   The third option does not sound like a good option at all.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:24 PM

Wow.  I feel for you.  We were/are in a very similar situation.

Based on what you posted, I think the old adage "a bird in hand is better than two in the bush" applies.  IF your DH's opportunity comes around again and is sure thing, great.  But in the meantime, you need to do everything you can for you to continue in your career.  Even if that means relocating.  However, a lot can happen in a year, so I wouldn't panic just yet. 

Maybe sharing our situation will help?

DH and BM also did 50/50.  About a year before we got married, DH was laid off and I became the sole bread winner.  We did that for a year while DH looked for work in his field.  He first found a position with a startup, but they couldn't make payroll. Then he took a job where he had to be out of state all week.  Opportunities in is field had just dried up in our state.  DH was offered a job that would've taken him out of the state and evenutally out of the country.  Dream job.  But he didn't want to leave the kids. So he took a deferral. We continued to limp along financially for another year to the point that we we were indeed going to lose our home.  The dream job came back up.

He took it.

In order for him to take this job, it meant moving to another state and me leaving the company I'd help start ten years prior. It was a pretty tremendous leap.  It also meant that the kids would be states away.  They wanted to stay in their regular school until we moved overseas.  (had discussions with BM and kids before accepting job) We also had concerns about whether or not BM could/would hack it.  It was a real change for her having to handle nuts and bolts that she'd previously relied on DH or me to take care of.

As for seeing the kids, DH would either drive back (10hours) every other weekend or fly the kids out here.  The kids come here or we go there for breaks, holidays and the summer.  It has been expensive.  But my DH does see his kids pretty frequently.  He also skypes or face times with them most days.  To be honest, at their ages (14 and 16), I think that DH probably "sees" them/interacts with them more than many parents do who live in the same home! It's focused, planned time and despite the distance between them, they've remained close.

We had thought this arrangement would only last for one year.  Unfortunately, instead of us all moving overseas together right now though, my DH got an unaccompanied tour for his first assignment which means that starting Tuesday, he will be in Pakistan for a year.  So I'm in one state, the kids are in another, and DH will be half way around the world. 

So that's the situation for us.  We were worried about the kids, BM, ourselves...but ultimately, it's worked out pretty well.  DH still interacts with his kids a lot.  They do a lot of homework and chit chatting daily. BM has found her groove and is doing well.  The kids seem pretty well adjusted.  And now we're slowing crawling out of the financial shit hole that we ended up in with unemployment back home.  DH LOVES his job. LOVES. I've never seen him so happy or fulfilled.  He works hard and having to be away from the kids and from me is hard.  But having a good job is allowing him to provide for his family and offer the kids the kind of lifestyle he wants for them.

It might not work for every family, for every kids, etc....but it seems to be working pretty well for us.

I will admit that we are really looking forward to the time when we're ALL overseas together.  But for now, this is working.

Good luck.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 4:39 PM
Thank you for telling your story, your sitch is really very similar to mine. I agree with your advice, and I think my DH can be convinced that is the best choice is for me to keep my career until the time when his dream job is a plausible option. I sure hope things work out like it did with you guys. We do worry about how BM will handle things if she has the kids full time for the first time in 5 years. I am really anxious to see how things turn out, but I'm just not ready to give up my career just so we can wait for DH to get his dream job, but I do think that down the road he will get the opportunity again and I will fully support that.

Quoting Birdseed:

Wow.  I feel for you.  We were/are in a very similar situation.

Based on what you posted, I think the old adage "a bird in hand is better than two in the bush" applies.  IF your DH's opportunity comes around again and is sure thing, great.  But in the meantime, you need to do everything you can for you to continue in your career.  Even if that means relocating.  However, a lot can happen in a year, so I wouldn't panic just yet. 

Maybe sharing our situation will help?

DH and BM also did 50/50.  About a year before we got married, DH was laid off and I became the sole bread winner.  We did that for a year while DH looked for work in his field.  He first found a position with a startup, but they couldn't make payroll. Then he took a job where he had to be out of state all week.  Opportunities in is field had just dried up in our state.  DH was offered a job that would've taken him out of the state and evenutally out of the country.  Dream job.  But he didn't want to leave the kids. So he took a deferral. We continued to limp along financially for another year to the point that we we were indeed going to lose our home.  The dream job came back up.

He took it.

In order for him to take this job, it meant moving to another state and me leaving the company I'd help start ten years prior. It was a pretty tremendous leap.  It also meant that the kids would be states away.  They wanted to stay in their regular school until we moved overseas.  (had discussions with BM and kids before accepting job) We also had concerns about whether or not BM could/would hack it.  It was a real change for her having to handle nuts and bolts that she'd previously relied on DH or me to take care of.

As for seeing the kids, DH would either drive back (10hours) every other weekend or fly the kids out here.  The kids come here or we go there for breaks, holidays and the summer.  It has been expensive.  But my DH does see his kids pretty frequently.  He also skypes or face times with them most days.  To be honest, at their ages (14 and 16), I think that DH probably "sees" them/interacts with them more than many parents do who live in the same home! It's focused, planned time and despite the distance between them, they've remained close.

We had thought this arrangement would only last for one year.  Unfortunately, instead of us all moving overseas together right now though, my DH got an unaccompanied tour for his first assignment which means that starting Tuesday, he will be in Pakistan for a year.  So I'm in one state, the kids are in another, and DH will be half way around the world. 

So that's the situation for us.  We were worried about the kids, BM, ourselves...but ultimately, it's worked out pretty well.  DH still interacts with his kids a lot.  They do a lot of homework and chit chatting daily. BM has found her groove and is doing well.  The kids seem pretty well adjusted.  And now we're slowing crawling out of the financial shit hole that we ended up in with unemployment back home.  DH LOVES his job. LOVES. I've never seen him so happy or fulfilled.  He works hard and having to be away from the kids and from me is hard.  But having a good job is allowing him to provide for his family and offer the kids the kind of lifestyle he wants for them.

It might not work for every family, for every kids, etc....but it seems to be working pretty well for us.

I will admit that we are really looking forward to the time when we're ALL overseas together.  But for now, this is working.

Good luck.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 4:47 PM
Thanks, good to be back :) Actually, my office could shut down in September which is the end of the fiscal year, but that's still over 8 months. I agree with you though, it does make me nervous to relinquish my career and income and move overseas where we would solely rely on my Dh's salary, which is less than what Im making now, but still a liveable wage. Anyway, I think I can make DH get on the same page because if he doesnt, I don't know what we'll do.

Quoting momof2ex1: Welcome back!!

Just based on what you have told us - my instinct would be for you to get the career in the other state and dh to follow along looking for a new job. Because of his situation he may have to put off his dream job until his kids are grown. It's unfortunate but it's the sacrifice we make as parents. I'm not in my dream career because well kids happened lol

It would be hard for me to be the bread winner and then to solely rely on someone who might make a better living over seas. Turning your worlds upside down and leaving all the kids here. I'm a control freak like that though. It would scare me. And it would scare me to not have a plan in place. You have almost 11 months to get this worked out before you do lose your job - I would be a nervous wreck.
amomynous_j
by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 4:48 PM

i think the scenario where you move state for your job makes more sense to me. moving overseas when you have children that can't come with (or children who do come but don't have their active mother also in the same area) doesn't seem like a wise decision. 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 5:11 PM
I really don't see much of a choice for you. DH has no real offer yet, your income is vital and if it's moving you'll have to move. If your dh's opportunity pans out, you can figure out the best option at that time.
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 5:39 PM
Yes, that's how I see it too.

Quoting OvrMyHead: I really don't see much of a choice for you. DH has no real offer yet, your income is vital and if it's moving you'll have to move. If your dh's opportunity pans out, you can figure out the best option at that time.
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