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akward sort of step mom issue

Posted by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 9:45 PM
  • 61 Replies
Okay a little back story.... I met Df 4 years ago.... I knew from day one he had a son but had no contact.... I have a son and df has always been good to him accepting him as his own (i currently don't have custody but that's a different issue having to with my exdh and false accusations) anyway fast forward a bit and me and df have 2 kids together and he ends up in jail (wrong place wwrong time situation but he gets a year) in that year I started talking to "ss" bm over fb and we made plans to get the kids together cause ss has been asking about my dds and wanted to meet them (ss is 9 my girls are 2 and 3)...... well now df is out and we are pregnant again..... He refuses to have any contact with his son saying there is no point or its been too long.....but i am still in contact with bm and we talk pretty regularly over fb (they live 6 hours away).... I want my girls to know their brother on their dad's side like they know my son....df is mad at me for having contact or knowing what is going on in ss life.....I don't really know what to do.....btw I didn't reach out to she came to me....most recently she messaged me to say merry christmas..... then I messed her on the 26 to tell ss happy birthday from the girls and me......am I wrong for keeping the contact? Or should df be stepping up more with his son if only for the sake of all the kids......
by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 9:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 9:56 PM
3 moms liked this
Your DF sounds like a winner.

- popcorn sweetpea would go here, but I'm mobile -
Taylor5kids
by Bronze Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:05 PM
Does he have rights to his son, or no? The answer to your DH's awkwardness could most definitely have to do with the answer to the question above?
lillettemomma
by Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:08 PM
There more too it.... He is a paranoid schizophrenic and has been misdiagnosed for over 10 years and he suffered childhood trauma but we don't know the extent because he has blocked it out an family won't talk about it.....we are working on getting him stabilized and have been since I met him....as for being in jail he was supposed to be in a supervised home for men with mental illness after a hospitalization but there was a mess up and instead of contacting me so I could put him somewhere safe they stuck him in a shelter where he had to be out at 8 am and couldn't come back till after 6 at night.... He was not stable at that point and ended up in a stupid situation..... I'm not making excuses at all I know he needs to take some responsibilities and that is one thing we are working on with therapy.....it's complicated
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:16 PM
1 mom liked this
I think you crossed a line that your DF didn't want you to cross. You need to either respect his wishes or go against him but be prepared for the fall out. You can't make someone be a parent. He doesn't want to be a parent to his son and trying to force him is going to be a battle you probably won't win. Plus you're putting your own children at risk of a broken home. What happens when this situation breaks you guys up? You'll probably find that he is the same kind of father to your kids that he is to his first born. I would leave this alone.
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amomynous_j
by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:21 PM

yikes. i really have no idea what to say..if he doesn't get stabilized, i'd probably suggest getting out of the relationship at which point you have no obligation to his "feelings" regarding keeping contact with their half-sibling. 

in the meantime? i'm not sure i would continue to fuel the fire. perhaps re-approaching the subject when he's stabilized would be a better option. i don't know a lot about schizophrenia, but i'm assuming he's not in the right mindset to make decisions regarding what he wants to do regarding visitation, etc of his son at this current point.

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Jan. 12, 2014 at 10:21 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting momof2ex1: I think you crossed a line that your DF didn't want you to cross. You need to either respect his wishes or go against him but be prepared for the fall out. You can't make someone be a parent. He doesn't want to be a parent to his son and trying to force him is going to be a battle you probably won't win. Plus you're putting your own children at risk of a broken home. What happens when this situation breaks you guys up? You'll probably find that he is the same kind of father to your kids that he is to his first born. I would leave this alone.

Get out of my head!!!  LOL


OP this - this is perfect.  You have to think about this situation in terms of loss and gain.  

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 7:35 AM

I think the paranoid schizophrenic part should have been the first sentence of the post.

they guy is crazy. I mean that's not the politically correct term... I believe "batshit crazy" might be more correct. why would ANYthing we said apply to your situaiton of we are basing it on his being sane? 

His son is almost certainly better off without him in  his life.  

I would sort of gradually taper off with BM and just let the whole thing die down. 

Quoting lillettemomma: There more too it.... He is a paranoid schizophrenic and has been misdiagnosed for over 10 years and he suffered childhood trauma but we don't know the extent because he has blocked it out an family won't talk about it.....we are working on getting him stabilized and have been since I met him....as for being in jail he was supposed to be in a supervised home for men with mental illness after a hospitalization but there was a mess up and instead of contacting me so I could put him somewhere safe they stuck him in a shelter where he had to be out at 8 am and couldn't come back till after 6 at night.... He was not stable at that point and ended up in a stupid situation..... I'm not making excuses at all I know he needs to take some responsibilities and that is one thing we are working on with therapy.....it's complicated


HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 7:57 AM
7 moms liked this
Let's put this in the simplest of terms:

Should you push your unstable paranoid schizophrenic PTSD husband on his innocent child whom he does not want contact with?

You have not mentioned how BM or the boy feel about the contact, but after you read the sentence, isn't the answer incredibly clear?

Please take a huge, HUGE amount of your time to create a safety plan for you and your girls. Make sure it can be implemented instantly. Make sure there is a large amount of cash resources that your husband has no access or knowledge of. You are playing a dangerous game with so many lives. Just let your husband focus on stabilizing himself and, for heaven's sake, do NOT have any more children.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 8:44 AM
3 moms liked this

First things first, I would stop procreating with this guy. For several reasons:

1) He's unstable.  How safe are you and the kids?  How can he support his progeny if he can't work because of his mental health status.  You've known him for 4 years.  Has he been stable during ANY of that time?  Please, stop procreating with him!  Also, you do realize that there is some belief that some of these mental health disorders have genetic components, right?  Maybe not in his case if it as all perpetuated by trauma but still. You know he's sick and unregulated.  Stop already!

2) I would not be offering any additional pressures or stressors to your DH at this time.  Maybe you know what his triggers are...maybe there are more you're unaware of. I wouldn't be pushing hard on a sensitive subject with someone who is unstable.

3) I personally see nothing wrong with you talking to BM and maintaining a relationship. But is it in anyone's best interest right now?  I fail to see how it is. I think that were I in your shoes, I'd explain to BM that you'd like to keep in touch but you have to back off for now to allow DH some time to get it together.  He's a paranoid schizophrenic.  You don't think that he will obsess about this? I think he will.

I have been close to a person who had a psychotic break including a lot of paranoia and I promise you, no matter how safe you feel with them when they're okay, when they're not okay, no one is truly safe. Not them, not their family, not their friends.

I'm concerned that you may be poking the dragon here and should focus more on how to keep you and yours safe and healthy in this crazy environment than trying to stay close to BM.

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 8:53 AM
6 moms liked this

Why do you keep having kids with a crazy person that just went to jail? 

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