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will giving a letter help things between my stepson and me?

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 3:44 AM
  • 6 Replies
My bf and I have been dating about a year and half. He has 3 children. His youngest son lives with who is almost 14 him and his daughter who is 16 lives with her mom. His oldest daughter is 20 and no longer lives at home. I have one son who is 13. When my bf and I met he had only been seperated for a little while. He told me about his marriage and how he tried for the last 4 years to make work. My bf was seperated when we first met. We dated for about 6 months when his children asked to meet me. From there we went out and did lots of fun things together and everyone seemed to be getting along great. It made me wonder how were his children doing with the changes. It seemed to good to be true. I noticedt that my bfs son didnt spend a lot of time with his bio mom. I mentioned that and my bf said his son didnt want to go to his moms. The bio mom is also a jw so very religious. I have nothing against religion just my bf forgot to mention he was a jw for the 17 years he was married. It didnt really matter that much to me that he was religious. We love each other and we get along great. My bfs ex wife knew about me but we have never met. My bfs son decided he wanted to live with him shortly after we started dating. His bio mom home schools him so hes sees his mom often durning the week. Shortly aftef school started in September his son was acting a lil off crying and thats when I got a text message one day from my bfs son saying "I dont want you to ever come back to where I live and its all your fault" I felt awful and said" im sorry you feel that way" and let my bf know what had happened. Its been months now and I have respected his space. They celebrated Christmas for the first time this years. I sent over gifts and accepted that this year we wouldnt do Christmas together. It's been hard on our relationship. My bf is very reasurring. I joke about how we can move in together in 5years. Even before this all happened I was encouraging my bf to do things just him and his son. My bf has his own company so often works long hrs 6 days a week. So his free time is limited. My bf is a good father. He has been trying to help his son and I have been trying to offer advice. He is trying to get counseling for him. A couple weeks ago my bf suggested I write a letter to his son. I havent given the letter to his son. I wrote it over the weekend. Im not sure if it will help.I thanked him for telling me how he was feeling. I tried to explain im not trying to take anyones place.... I had a step parent too and so on, its a good letter. I talked about the fun times ws had together and that I care about him and its ok to not like me..... now do I send the letter with his dad and hope for the best. There has to be someone out there that has gone through something simular. Im looking for advice. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Sincerely,
Crystal
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 3:44 AM
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Replies (1-6):
gugu250
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:17 AM

Hard one. Since he wrote to you, I would write to him. I would explain 'while I undertand that he is upset at the separation of his parents, it is not fair to make this my fault. Explain when you met the father, and that you had nothing to do with the separation. Offer an olive branch by suggesting that you all seek councilling.

gugu250
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:22 AM

The  father must also draw the line. You cannot stop visiting him just because the son says so. If the son does not want you there, then he must go visit the mother when you are there. The father is allowing this to happen and it is gonna cost him happiness with you. THe son could be wanting to live with the father so as to block any romantic relationship the father may wish to have. This is unsustainable. At some point, the boy must accept that there is another woman in his father's life and be assisted to DEAL with it. May be you should also have a serious talk with the father

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:37 AM

Going to break this into paragraphs for easier reading...then will respond.

Quoting frvbc: My bf and I have been dating about a year and half. He has 3 children. His youngest son lives with who is almost 14 him and his daughter who is 16 lives with her mom. His oldest daughter is 20 and no longer lives at home. I have one son who is 13.
When my bf and I met he had only been seperated for a little while. He told me about his marriage and how he tried for the last 4 years to make work. My bf was seperated when we first met. We dated for about 6 months when his children asked to meet me. From there we went out and did lots of fun things together and everyone seemed to be getting along great. It made me wonder how were his children doing with the changes. It seemed to good to be true.
I noticedt that my bfs son didnt spend a lot of time with his bio mom. I mentioned that and my bf said his son didnt want to go to his moms. The bio mom is also a jw so very religious. I have nothing against religion just my bf forgot to mention he was a jw for the 17 years he was married. It didnt really matter that much to me that he was religious. We love each other and we get along great.
My bfs ex wife knew about me but we have never met. My bfs son decided he wanted to live with him shortly after we started dating. His bio mom home schools him so hes sees his mom often durning the week. Shortly aftef school started in September his son was acting a lil off crying and thats when I got a text message one day from my bfs son saying "I dont want you to ever come back to where I live and its all your fault" I felt awful and said" im sorry you feel that way" and let my bf know what had happened.
Its been months now and I have respected his space. They celebrated Christmas for the first time this years. I sent over gifts and accepted that this year we wouldnt do Christmas together. It's been hard on our relationship. My bf is very reasurring. I joke about how we can move in together in 5years.
Even before this all happened I was encouraging my bf to do things just him and his son. My bf has his own company so often works long hrs 6 days a week. So his free time is limited. My bf is a good father. He has been trying to help his son and I have been trying to offer advice. He is trying to get counseling for him.
A couple weeks ago my bf suggested I write a letter to his son. I havent given the letter to his son. I wrote it over the weekend. Im not sure if it will help.I thanked him for telling me how he was feeling. I tried to explain im not trying to take anyones place.... I had a step parent too and so on, its a good letter. I talked about the fun times ws had together and that I care about him and its ok to not like me..... now do I send the letter with his dad and hope for the best. There has to be someone out there that has gone through something simular. Im looking for advice. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Sincerely,
Crystal


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:44 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't think I'd send the letter.  He's a 14YO kid.  Even if it's a well written letter, I think that it could leave a lot up for interpretation and misunderstanding.

I think this one is up to Dad.  HE needs to sort out what is going on with his son.  From the text son sent, it sounds like he's under the impression that you broke up his parents' marriage.  Seems to me Dad needs to address that.  If there are other concerns, like son doesn't want to spend time with you, Dad needs to figure out why.

Teenagers can be tough nuts to crack.  But I would imagine that this young man is having feelings of conflict of loyalty, insecurity with regards to his Dad, and resentment towards you because you represent the split of his folks.  I do think counseling is very much warranted for any kiddo experiencing the trauma of divorce.

I think that in the long run, your best bet is to give it more time, encourage your boyfriend to spend time with his son and have the discussions needed, invest in counseling, etc.  But I don't think you should write a letter or have any one on one discussions with a 14YO kid about such sensitive topics.


kmdnpmd2013
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 10:36 AM
I think personally your just wasting your time writing a letter to him. He's a teenage boy, if he even reads it, im sure he won't even write back.
frvbc
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:49 AM
Thank you all for your wise words of advice
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