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(New to cafe mom) stepmom at the end of my rope...help please

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 1:57 PM
  • 81 Replies

First I'll give you the Bach story. My husband and I starting dating in 2006. I was aware that he had been previously married and had a daughter, but the ex had disappeared with the child in 2002, he had no contact. Dec. 2007 we had our first son, July 2008 we got married, nov. 2008 we had our second son. In 2009 we received a phone call telling us where the ex was with the child, which we found was two hours away. I retained an attorney for visitation every other weekend. Every other weekend turned out to be hell. As soon as we got her there were issues (we knew there would be some things to deal with) she was lying about everything, trying to get my husband and I to fight, so many problems with boys (let's just say she knew ALOT more than a 9 year old should), wouldn't talk with me in the room at all. In 2012 she accused her 8th an current stepfather of messing with her. Hue state took her and her mothers other two children away for two days while investigating. Her mother and step father immediately packed her a large box of stuff and dropped her off at our home. The ex told us she couldn't handle the child anymore and signed over custody in our driveway. The ex was coming to get the child every other weekend until January of 2013, when the child told her mother she was uncomfortable being around the step dad by her self. The ex stopped calling and stopped coming for her visitations. The ex called  once in October 2013, twice in November, and twice in December, the ex asked for the child for Christmas 2013, she went to the grandmothers home (since she was not allowed at her mothers house) for a day and a half.  Two weeks ago January 2014 the ex told the child not to call her anymore and the child was no longer welcome there. 

In the middle of all this drama; the child is 13, will be 14 in two weeks, the issues between the child and our household is getting worse. lying about anything and everything, hiding bad grades, having conversations about sex an how to dos of sex with children at school, sneeking around with boys, offering sexual favors to boys for money, trying to play her father and I against each other, we have had to place her on probation with the juvenile probation office, we have her seeing a therapist, I have her grades emailed to me everyday. I don't know what to do with this child anymore. I'm tired, my husbands tired. We burned out. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!

by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 1:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:02 PM
3 moms liked this

i bet you regret meddling and getting that lawyer for EOWE, right?

It pretty much almost always turns out this way.

Birdseed
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:06 PM
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The kid is screaming for help. She needs counseling. If your current counselor isn't helping, try another. She's a KID.  She needs HELP.  It really doesn't get to be about you or your home at this point.  She's been dumped and abused and messed up.  And she's at a critical age.  She needs her Dad to spend time with her and a therapist who can get through to her.  Hopefully, said therapist can advise you all on what to do in your home.

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:06 PM
1 mom liked this
Why didn't he try to find her after mom took off in the first place? Poor kid both her parents suck.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:08 PM
2 moms liked this

If I were the OP I'd move out, take my kids, and let dad handle this kid himself. 

Jamie102682
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:09 PM

Her dad my DH is a great guy! The ex would move from man to man and state to state. He was trying to find her.

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:09 PM
2 moms liked this

Oy.

I am sorry, I don't have any advice.

I can only feel sorry for your SD.  Her father was not involved in her life for 9 years, her mom has been married 8 times, her SF abused her, and now her mother has abandoned her.

What has her therapist said?

Jamie102682
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:11 PM

The child has told us, she want to separate my husband and I, so her dad will be miserable and send her back to her mother. 

Jamie102682
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:15 PM

She has never had decipline, or consequences for her actions. My husband works 12 to 15 hours a day. I am the primary disaplinarian, I am a stay at home mom with a five year old boy and six year old boy.

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:17 PM
3 moms liked this

I am always very leary of people (new wives) who report that their husbands ex ran off with the kids never to be found. Unless she moved to pakistan the day after she moved out, this is highly unlikely. It is too easy to be found today. You just cannot hide that easily. Men often will seperate from the mother and then they dissapear first. Mom seems free to move about. Why not? there was no court order given promptly upon splitting....most men just let this time run out and wala..."mom ran away". That is a common story. The story you are told.


HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:17 PM
2 moms liked this
What services does she have? What services are available? What have you looked into? Apply first for state Medicaid - it should cover mental health services for her. God knows she needs them and I doubt your private health care will cover the huge amount she will need.

Next, and bear with me on this one. Call Children and Youth. Tell them you need help. You are not 'reporting yourself' or her. You are asking for local and state services that are available to help her. You will need a Case Worker. These people have access to things that you have no clue even exist. They also know how to get the state to pay for them.

You are in way over your head. There is no shame in admitting that. Do not let one screwed up kid destroy the other members of your family.
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