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Starting to resent the kids!

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 10:54 AM
  • 44 Replies
How not to distance myself from step kids when BM micromanages and controls me and my husband through the kids? She sends messages through the kids to tell us how how to do everything from laundry to hair and food! I'm struggling to keep from resenting the kids! I know it's her goal to keep the kids from being close to me! She is insanely jealous! I question BPD based on actions! She had an affair and is unhappily married to that man now! She still thinks my husband is under her control and says "we share kids" to justify texting and calling him all the time! Mostly about her perception of their relationship! My husband talks to kids every day (10 & 14). He knows what is going on in their life without her constant intrusion! She uses her manipulative nature and the kids to control us! My husband believe she will make the kids life HELL if he doesn't cower to her! Based upon everything I have whit messed... This is true! She put the kids in the middle from the start and has even woken the kids in the middle of the night to call dad and beg him to take her back (yes she was in a relationship with her lover at the time)! The youngest says mom was happiest married to dad and BM told her it's Dad's fault for signing the divorce papers! He didn't have to do that! The divorce was over 4 years ago! My husband gave her 3 months to give up lover for the sake of the marriage and kids! She got exactly what she wanted! Now making us pay for her poor choices!

I'm resenting the messenger (the kids)! Even though I know they are caught! I'm struggling to even want to be near them or the frustration it's bringing! Makes me sad because before we were married, the relationship with the kids was amazingly good!

The week we got married, she did everything in her power to prove she was in control! I was beneath her! My husband said to ignore it from the start and I did! However a year later we r in worse shape! I'm resenting the whole situation! It's exhausting!

What do I do not to allow this to drive me insane and away from husband and the kids??? My heart goes out to her husband as he is totally helpless to the flirtation and inappropriate behavior she tries to pull with my husband! He see most of it! I have overheard her talk to him and it is belittling! He owns allowing that, I just hate to know the kids see and hear this! He was 40's and never married! I think she snowballed him for $! She uses everyone! Kids, parents and extended family! She has no concept of how it makes the other people feel!
by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 10:54 AM
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by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:08 AM
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Popcorn sweetpea here.. I'm mobile
by Gold Member on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:12 AM
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I really have no advice for you other than counseling.  It's not healthy to resent children.

They are behaving the way they do because they've never been shown boundaries or that the relationship between their mother and father is now, considering the fact that they are divorced and he's remarried, innapropriate.  And that is all on your husband's shoulders to figure out.

by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:12 AM
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Ignore it.

by Chelse on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:15 AM
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 Hmm while this really doesnt happen very often in my situation there have been a few times that SS6 will my Mom we can... or my Mom says.... I usually tell him Mommy makes the rules at her house and Daddy and I make the rules here. and that's the end of that. For example... We all have "seats" for dinner. We sit in the same spots every night. That's how it always was for me growing up and it carried over into my adult life. So I guess at BM's they sit in whichever seat they feel like sitting in because SS6 had made a comment to me that they can sit whereever they want at BM's. I just said if thats the way Mommy likes to do things that fine. But here we do it this way. Another time he told me his Mom said it was a "dumb rule" lol. First off its not really a "rule" its just how I like it...and secondly she shouldnt be saying that to him to begin with ...even if she thinks it. I think ALOT of what she does is stupid or dumb...however I would never say that to either of the boys.

I think you and your DH need to just keep reiterating to the kids that you do it this way in your home and BM is free to do it however she please in her home. Eventually they will stop telling you all together. BM also should probably read up on co-parenting lol... the NUMBER 1 thing they tell you is that the children should NOT be the messengers between homes.

Try your hardest not to resent them. Keep telling yourself...dont shoot the messenger. They are just doing what they're told to do. And also... you DH needs to step up too. He needs to stop letting her control your house and him. Yes, they share kids, so yes if they need to text/call regarding the kids, thats acceptable...but otherwise there is no real reason for communication between them...and she really doesnt need to be contacting him late at night unless its an emergency with the kids. Your situation will not get better until your husband makes some changes and puts his foot down with things.

CafeMom Tickers
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:36 AM
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First, you have a husband problem. Not a BM problem. He is allowing it. Period.

second, resenting children because they are the easiest to blame for your shitty situation (your DH) is absolutely not acceptable. If you allow your mind to continue the resentment path you have for the kids, your problems WILL get bigger.

It sounds as though your husband is not protecting you from all of the negativity HIS ex wife is throwing at you guys. This is his job. He better take it seriously if he wants to continue being anyone.

Put your focus squarely where it needs to be. Not BM, not the kids but on your husband. Then you may get somewhere.

by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:37 AM

oh, and remember to put some of that blame on yourself as well. You picked him.

by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 11:53 AM

Quoting baparrot2:

oh, and remember to put some of that blame on yourself as well. You picked him.

by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 12:01 PM
5 moms liked this

wow. some people are quite brutal when others are vulnerable and in need of support..not criticism or judgement. truth hurts i guess..but whose truth is it? or maybe it's just the way it comes across. i don't know but either way, some comments are rough on these posts.

my advice to you is to take a BIG deep breath. talk to your husband. he should definitely be protecting you from BM's crazy ways. you did not have kids with her. he did and he should be the one to deal with the negativity and set boundaries for him and your family. i agree that you should be telling kids that you and their father have a different way of doing things and that's it. don't speak negatively about their mother no matter what. that never works in anyone's favor. you are not an evil person for feeling resentment. you are human and it is okay to experience that. i recommend you try to take a step back and see where your anger is really coming from. it is not the kid's fault but i understand how difficult it is to maintain a good relationship with them in that circumstance and not feel annoyed that they are constantly telling you about BM's rules and regulations in your home. that would get annoying for anybody. look to your husband for support and tell him what you need him to do. be honest but caring. he needs to set those boundaries for everyone's sake and enforce things with his children.

good luck and hang in there. don't let BM get the best of you! focus on what you need to stay sane. once you start thinking negatively about her and your situation, it's hard to get out of that mindset!!! i'm still working on building a relationship back with my stepkids after being forced into a disciplanarian role that i am no longer doing. remind yourself that they have two capable parents and even though their mother isn't what you want her to be, that is their mother and there is no changing that. you are not responsible for them when it really comes down to it. let the parents do their job like they should be doing.

take care and try not to let negative, critical comments deter you from reaching out. there are lots of nonjudgemental moms on here that you will find eventually. ignore the haters :)

by Emerald Member on Jan. 14, 2014 at 12:05 PM

I think  you would be happier if you let your DH and BM communicate and co-parent how they want to, and just focus on your own home and family. Nothing you mentioned really affects you if you just focus on your own life.

by Gold Member on Jan. 14, 2014 at 12:09 PM
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You have a husband problem.

My dh deals with an ex who will go over the top with with contact if he allowed it. He simply does not. He ignores all emails that are not related to the direct needs of the kids and will not respond to anything personal.  All calls go to voicemail and if she doesn't leave a message specifying what she wants to discuss she doesn't get a call back.

He also refuses to communicate through the kids. If it doesn't come via an email from bm it doesn't happen.  Kids shouldn't be put in the middle.

Seriously, he can limit the contact...he just has to set up boundaries and stick to them.

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