Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

This is why I disengaged!!! *Updated*

Posted by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 10:52 AM
  • 127 Replies
1 mom liked this

In August of 2012 I sent BM a long text telling her I didn't want her to text me anymore unless the kids were at our house and she wanted to talk to them. It took a few months of me not responding to her texts for her to get it but since then the only texts I receive from her are when she wants to talk to the kids and I don't respond since I just have the kids call her. 

It has been a very nice thing not having my phone blow up all the time from her. This past Friday I was picking up skids from school and I had plans with my sister who lives in BM's town to go see her. I didn't get to see her through any of the holidays so we were exchanging gifts and just catching up. I stopped to get all the kids some food and saw YSS with a cell phone. We do not allow cell phones right now for any of the kids and it has been that way since BM got OSS his first cell phone at the age of 9(he is now 14 so this rule has been the same for 5 years). I asked him what he was doing and he said texting his mom. I grabbed our food and told YSS he needed to hand over the phone. I gave him time to finish his convo with BM. 

I felt weird taking it away because usually DH does it but I felt uneasy with him having it and possibly letting BM know we were headed to my sisters (they didn't know we were headed there prior to the phone being taken away). I didn't want to run the chance of BM showing up at my sisters. I have managed to keep my sister away from BM and all the drama. We arrived at my sisters and I left both phones in my car. We were there for two hours and when we left I checked my phone and I had 7 missed calls and 2 text messages from BM. The 7 calls were literally one right after another. The text message said "Stop dismissing my calls. I will not be home later for the boys to get their Magic cards. Also, I want the phone returned if they are not going to be allowed to touch it." I replied that I wasn't dismissing her that I was at my sisters and left my phone in the car. She replied "oh, ok" In those two hours she had also emailed DH about how it is very upsetting that the cell phone gets taken away when her and her husband provides it for them.

DH emailed her back that night letting her know she knows what our rules have been for cell phones and that it hasn't changed in all these years. That just because she allows it in her house does not mean we have to allow it in our house.

She never responded. Then yesterday as I was pulling into the drop off site DH and I both looked at our phones and realized BM had text us. On my phone all it said was "Are you dropping the boys off at my house?" We hadn't read DH's texts yet and his phone was about to die so I just responded that we are at the drop off location. BM responded with "Awesome" We were confused by that response so we looked at DH's phone and she had sent him close to 20 texts stating she couldn't meet at the drop off location and that she needed the kids dropped off at her house. I guess that wasn't the case since within 7 minutes of me texting her she was there to pick them up. She then sent DH another text thanking him for ignoring her texts and that she really appreciated it. He couldn't even respond to her because his phone died and we forgot our chargers. :/   I tried picking up a cheap one on the way home but in the 7 hours it took for us to drive home it had charged my phone to 13%. It went in the trash when we got home. lol

This weekend just confirmed why I don't talk to BM anymore.

UPDATE:

I replied this in the comments but I know some people don't go through and read them all so I wanted to put this here:


I am torn because I know nobody here knows me so I feel like I have to defend myself.

I have never limited contact with BM and SS's. When they are with us BM usually calls/texts every other day to talk to them. When we have them just for the weekend she 99% of the time doesn't call/text. When I left my phone in the car I 100% was not expecting BM to try to be contacting me. I had let YSS finish his text convo with BM before he handed it to me. I thought it was done. He didn't say they were still talking or anything.

We do not have a house phone. There has never been an issue of BM not being able to talk to SS's. Not once. DH has had multiple times he has called BM's cell phone and the kids cell phone with no response and no call back.

Yes, DH did not check his phone when we were 1 hour away from dropping SS's off with BM. We would never think that she would be trying to contact us when we were about to drop SS's off to her. This is not normal, regarding DH not checking his phone, her calls/texts are always answered when it is about her wanting to talk to the kids. 

I didn't mean SS's have to ask my permission to call BM if they want to talk to her. It is because they use our cell phones that all they have to say is "I want to call mom" and the phone is handed over to them. 

I am a huge people pleaser. Huge. Which has been a bit of a downfall for me with regards to BM. I let her run over me a lot because I just wanted her to understand how much I care for SS's and that I respected her position as their mom. I am the one that makes sure they call her on her birthday if they are with us and send birthday cards. I do that for their stepdad and siblings as well.

BUT when reading comments it makes me think about the whole thing. The last thing I want to do is come across as limiting contact with BM and SS's. And if strangers think that is what I did it makes me worry that is what SS's think as well.

We still have our cell phone rule and I am not going to waiver on that but I think I could have approached the whole thing differently. I was truly worried about BM coming to my sisters. BM had already blown up on DH 2 days prior to the weekend because she had forgotten it was DH's weekend and it wasn't good. Because of the way BM is I really wouldn't have been suprised for her to show up. My sister and her family are very private people and her husband has no tolerance for drama and I just didn't want to bring it to their house.

I am by no means perfect and I do try to improve myself. I have always tried hard to make sure SS's know how much I respect their mom and that I am not trying to take her place. Even BM has commented that she respects that with me. 

I have no problem admitting I make mistakes and I can see where I should have done things differently.

by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 10:52 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
USBrit
by Silver Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 2:54 PM
3 moms liked this

It seems silly to me that you don't want phone calls and it is obvious that you don't really like DH getting calls and texts to then take away the kids phones. What's up with that. I would want to talk to my kids if they were away from me from time to time. So, why don't you solve your own problem and quit being so tough on BM and let her have contact with her children through phones that she and her hubby have provided. I think you are being pretty selfish to think that a mom wouldn't want to check on her children from time to time. 

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 2:59 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi there,

I'm new to the group.  BM sounds alot like my SS's BM.  She is very combative and nothing ever goes the way it was planned.  DH and I have only been married for 3 months.  At first she said she liked talking to me better, but after she didnt get her way with me (I'm not a push over) she started calling name and being immature so I put an end to me speaking with her.  Now DH gets all the texts. 

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:00 PM
3 moms liked this

Don't you think if you allow SS have his phone then BM will leave you alone just like you want?

stepmommy2
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:06 PM

I have no problem with BM contacting SS's. She has both DH's and my cell phone so she can contact them, which is what DH told her when he replied in her email as well. We have NEVER kept skids from contacting BM or BM from contacting skids. Of course she wants to talk to them when they are with us, I had literally just picked them up from school and they had been in my car for maybe 10 minutes. We had skids for 2 days this weekend. She did not try calling once this weekend to talk to them on either of our cell phones. 

Plus, we don't allow cell phones in our house for the kids. It's our rule and just because BM provides a phone for them doesn't mean we have to let them use it. She knows that and skids know that as well.

Quoting USBrit:

It seems silly to me that you don't want phone calls and it is obvious that you don't really like DH getting calls and texts to then take away the kids phones. What's up with that. I would want to talk to my kids if they were away from me from time to time. So, why don't you solve your own problem and quit being so tough on BM and let her have contact with her children through phones that she and her hubby have provided. I think you are being pretty selfish to think that a mom wouldn't want to check on her children from time to time. 


AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

 This is what I was thinking. 

I could see having rules about when the phone can be used and internet and such (if it's a smart phone) but you guys don't want BM contacting either of you.  Isn't it easier just to allow SS to have the cell phone she he can contact his mother?  She's paying for it and doesn't appear to have asked you to help with that.

He's 14, not 4. 

Let him have the phone to talk to his mom.  It sounds like you just want to control and limit when he is able to have contact with her.

Quoting WifeyC:

Don't you think if you allow SS have his phone then BM will leave you alone just like you want?

 

amomynous_j
by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:12 PM

but you told her to not have contact with you. so, there's one option out -- and clearly DH doesn't effectively check his cell phone for communication from her...which strikes option 2.

it's fine you don't allow cell phones, but at least communicate with her when she IS trying to communicate!

it also isn't logical for you to expect her to call your cell phones, when she provided her child with a cell phone so she could contact him, since the both of you don't respond on your cells. 

Quoting stepmommy2:

I have no problem with BM contacting SS's. She has both DH's and my cell phone so she can contact them, which is what DH told her when he replied in her email as well. We have NEVER kept skids from contacting BM or BM from contacting skids. Of course she wants to talk to them when they are with us, I had literally just picked them up from school and they had been in my car for maybe 10 minutes. We had skids for 2 days this weekend. She did not try calling once this weekend to talk to them on either of our cell phones. 

Plus, we don't allow cell phones in our house for the kids. It's our rule and just because BM provides a phone for them doesn't mean we have to let them use it. She knows that and skids know that as well.

Quoting USBrit:

It seems silly to me that you don't want phone calls and it is obvious that you don't really like DH getting calls and texts to then take away the kids phones. What's up with that. I would want to talk to my kids if they were away from me from time to time. So, why don't you solve your own problem and quit being so tough on BM and let her have contact with her children through phones that she and her hubby have provided. I think you are being pretty selfish to think that a mom wouldn't want to check on her children from time to time. 



amomynous_j
by on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:13 PM
1 mom liked this

or leave the phone on and available, like in the kitchen or somewhere so that she CAN call, but he doesn't have full access to the phone.

Quoting AmericanDream:

 This is what I was thinking. 

I could see having rules about when the phone can be used and internet and such (if it's a smart phone) but you guys don't want BM contacting either of you.  Isn't it easier just to allow SS to have the cell phone she he can contact his mother?  She's paying for it and doesn't appear to have asked you to help with that.

He's 14, not 4. 

Let him have the phone to talk to his mom.  It sounds like you just want to control and limit when he is able to have contact with her.

Quoting WifeyC:

Don't you think if you allow SS have his phone then BM will leave you alone just like you want?

 


stepmommy2
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:14 PM

That is not what I said. When SS's are with us and BM wants to talk to them she sends me a text to have them call her. They always call her back. I don't reply to her texts because there is no reason for me too. They are ALWAYS allowed to talk to BM whenever they want. One of us are always with them unless they are spending the night with a friend and we always let the parents know that they might have to call BM if she contacts us for them to call her. What I don't want is her texting me constantly like she use to.

Quoting AmericanDream:

 This is what I was thinking. 

I could see having rules about when the phone can be used and internet and such (if it's a smart phone) but you guys don't want BM contacting either of you.  Isn't it easier just to allow SS to have the cell phone she he can contact his mother?  She's paying for it and doesn't appear to have asked you to help with that.

He's 14, not 4. 

Let him have the phone to talk to his mom.  It sounds like you just want to control and limit when he is able to have contact with her.

Quoting WifeyC:

Don't you think if you allow SS have his phone then BM will leave you alone just like you want?

 


stepmommy2
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:18 PM

When I sent her that text I told her not to contact me over the petty stuff, like clothes and stuff. I specifically told her that when she wanted to contact the kids that it was fine. I was limiting her having me make decisions that should be between DH and her. Yes, DH wasn't checking his phone the last hour of our drive to drop them off. Neither one of us thought that she would try to contact him right before we dropped them off. So that was his bad but that is not normal.

Quoting amomynous_j:

but you told her to not have contact with you. so, there's one option out -- and clearly DH doesn't effectively check his cell phone for communication from her...which strikes option 2.

it's fine you don't allow cell phones, but at least communicate with her when she IS trying to communicate!

it also isn't logical for you to expect her to call your cell phones, when she provided her child with a cell phone so she could contact him, since the both of you don't respond on your cells. 

Quoting stepmommy2:

I have no problem with BM contacting SS's. She has both DH's and my cell phone so she can contact them, which is what DH told her when he replied in her email as well. We have NEVER kept skids from contacting BM or BM from contacting skids. Of course she wants to talk to them when they are with us, I had literally just picked them up from school and they had been in my car for maybe 10 minutes. We had skids for 2 days this weekend. She did not try calling once this weekend to talk to them on either of our cell phones. 

Plus, we don't allow cell phones in our house for the kids. It's our rule and just because BM provides a phone for them doesn't mean we have to let them use it. She knows that and skids know that as well.

Quoting USBrit:

It seems silly to me that you don't want phone calls and it is obvious that you don't really like DH getting calls and texts to then take away the kids phones. What's up with that. I would want to talk to my kids if they were away from me from time to time. So, why don't you solve your own problem and quit being so tough on BM and let her have contact with her children through phones that she and her hubby have provided. I think you are being pretty selfish to think that a mom wouldn't want to check on her children from time to time. 




AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 3:18 PM
1 mom liked this

 But you do have a problem with BM contacting SS.

You said so yourself.

You were worried about SS telling BM you were going to your sister's house.  If SS had asked to use your phone or BM had texted you to have SS call her would you have let him?

Probably not.

Leads one to believe that you are more concerned about what SS would be talking to BM about on his cell phone and that is the real reason that you won't allow it.

Quoting stepmommy2:

I have no problem with BM contacting SS's. She has both DH's and my cell phone so she can contact them, which is what DH told her when he replied in her email as well. We have NEVER kept skids from contacting BM or BM from contacting skids. Of course she wants to talk to them when they are with us, I had literally just picked them up from school and they had been in my car for maybe 10 minutes. We had skids for 2 days this weekend. She did not try calling once this weekend to talk to them on either of our cell phones. 

Plus, we don't allow cell phones in our house for the kids. It's our rule and just because BM provides a phone for them doesn't mean we have to let them use it. She knows that and skids know that as well.

Quoting USBrit:

It seems silly to me that you don't want phone calls and it is obvious that you don't really like DH getting calls and texts to then take away the kids phones. What's up with that. I would want to talk to my kids if they were away from me from time to time. So, why don't you solve your own problem and quit being so tough on BM and let her have contact with her children through phones that she and her hubby have provided. I think you are being pretty selfish to think that a mom wouldn't want to check on her children from time to time. 

 

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)